about:blank

2012-01-07T01:24:00.001+08:00

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

2012-01-03T20:23:00.001+08:00

I got glaucoma, but I think God gave me pseudo double eyelids to cheer me up and make up for it. Teehee.

2012-01-03T19:53:00.002+08:00

R.I.P.

Shadow

30th October 1999 - 2nd January 2012

Hayley

26th February 2008 - 2nd January 2012

-----

Unfortunately, it is not a date I could ever forget.

2012-01-02T18:12:00.001+08:00

Love you always, Hayley Bales. Miss you already.

I really regret all the times I wanted to show you love, but I held myself back. I should have heck cared the allergies, your smelly pee fur and just hugged you whenever I wanted to and let you slobber all over me whenever you wanted to. I really really regret not loving you the way I should have.

And I hate not being back home, going through all the hard parts, suffering together with my family. I feel unworthy, sitting here in a cocoon, emotionally numb and distant when I want so badly to cry over and miss my dogs the way I should.

I sincerely hope that all dogs go to heaven. So I can someday meet Shadow and Hayley again.

2012-01-02T10:59:00.000+08:00

Dad texted me this morning, 'Happy Birthday Ale! So sad, Shadow passed away today.'

The worst part is that I am too far away to feel it, too far away to grieve and mourn the passing of the most faithful and loyal dog that ever lived. I just feel really bad for the last time we yelled at him, 'Who?? Who??' for doing his business too close to the house. And for kicking him out for smelling the garbage.

I also feel the guilt of neglect for bringing Hayley home, which caused him to become a recluse because he hated Hayley, hated being disturbed by her puppy ways. His death came too suddenly, the way they always warn against in books and movies: Show love before it's too late. Because now it's too late to make it up to Shadow.

And yet there was humour. Talking to Adelia, she said, 'I don't know if something happened to him before he died, because there was puke beside him. Or maybe the other dogs saw his body and puked.' And when I asked if the people at home cried, she said, 'A bit lah. But then we had to dig a huge hole. So a bit tired lah.'

The only photo I have left of baby Shadow.

Mom cried as I spoke to her. I can't, because the situation is too distant from me right now. But I can feel it on the peripheries of my emotions, to never be greeted by his small black figure again, never to see, touch or smell him and his sad little droopy face again, the pain of his memory fading away, that all that's left of him are the few scattered photographs. Coming back to KL and realizing he is gone. Shadow's really just a shadow now.

2012-01-01T17:31:00.002+08:00

I could live life alone
And never feel the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live with many things
And I could carry, but...I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know

I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's now morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without you

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful to me
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything
And I could carry on, oh yes
But if you weren't in at all...

Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh Jesus, oh, I have because You give
You're everything to me Oh...

-----
I think this is probably one of my favourite songs. I feel like it speaks to me and addresses all my fears. It reminds me that there is only one important thing to live for.

2011-12-29T11:20:00.003+08:00

Turning 24 in a few days!

Last night, I had my fake birthday celebration with the high school friends. The food at Opus was great, though dinner was punctuated with random cries of '24, Ale, 24! So old!'. I threatened to kill anybody who sang '24th' during the birthday song. Once upon a time, we might have all headed out after dinner for drinks or dancing, but as befitting the approach of the mid twenties, we ended at 10pm. A bunch of us went to Coffee Bean, not even to drink coffee, but to have hot chocolate and peach tea because we worried we wouldn't be able to sleep.

I hesitate to state that life is stable, since we all know that change is the only constant in life. I think many people strive and work hard in life towards this vague goal of achieving happiness and a level of financial, social or marital stability in life. My beliefs have taught me that there's no such thing, so I dare not claim this stage in my life as a milestone of finally having achieved security. But I will say that I've matured in some ways. It probably crept up on me. I still feel and react the same way to most things as I did, say 6 years ago? But it's the little things that make the difference, a little less anxiety, a little less insecurity, a little less worry.

If I did make birthday wishes, they would probably be along the lines of getting more serious about God, getting more comfortable in my own skin, loving more, bitching less, and just learning to let things go when there's no purpose holding on to them.

May 2012 be another level up in the game of life.

2011-12-28T00:45:00.003+08:00

I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
Holy!
Hallelujah
Father, You're near!

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries Glory
Hallelujah
Father You're here!

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge

2011-12-15T09:00:00.003+08:00

A morning dose of an Ellen video is a great way to start the day. Either that or Sara Bareilles, who's stuck in my head after last night at Song Box. Starting to appreciate the Groupon thing.

After singing so much last night, my voice is stuck in the high register. It actually hurts to sing in low pitch, and it even hurts to talk. I had to speak in falsetto to give my vocal cords a break.

Very excited because my new spectacles arrived super early. :) Which I suspect is another ruse on the marketing part, undersell and overdeliver, hmph.

2011-12-13T10:35:00.002+08:00

Had a lovely time with my besties last night at Coffee Bean. We've decided to go big celebrating my turning 24 soon. We're going to up the birthday scale every year as our income should also increase (fingers crossed).

So for 24 it will be a huge Tai Tai Day, in preparation for our wealthy lives in the future. Everybody should optimistically project what they want to receive, right?

For 25, maybe a full spa day. 26, maybe a break to recover from our monetary losses for a year. 27, run a marathon or climb a mountain. And for the big 3-0, LAS VEGAS!

Getting older will never get old when you've awesome friends.

2011-12-12T14:10:00.001+08:00

Everything terrifies me.
Everything - new, that invites judgment and scrutiny, pressure and responsibility, with potential for humiliation - terrifies me.

2011-12-11T00:09:00.001+08:00

badebro i uroligt vejr, a photo by søren hansen on Flickr.

It just struck me that this might be a lifelong battle. I'm already freaking out about why I don't feel any side effects with the eye drops this time. Debating if I should put in an extra drop or just wait and see. Every time I see the Dr for a follow up is going to be an ordeal all over again.

If I didn't have God I don't know what I would do.

The Things We Take For Granted

2011-12-10T16:49:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I think about which is worse, losing your hearing or your sight, and sight usually trumps hearing. Ask anyone and they can all probably imagine how horrible it would be not to be able to see anything again. Even I used to think I was already pretty sympathetic to the plight of the blind. But no one really knows knows until they've experienced it.

No, I haven't lost my sight, unless you count severe myopia. But my recent scare with glaucoma has made me appreciate what I still have. All I did today was a simple pupil dilatation to run some eye tests. Everything became incredibly bright and as hard as I tried, I could not focus my eyes on anything close to me. I took out my phone to text but found that I could only make out the words based on their vague shapes. For once in my life, I was happy about the size 28 font I cannot change on my Nokia.

It was a 2 hour wait to see the ophthalmologist so halfway through, I thought, 'Oh right, I can catch up on my reading!' before I remembered it was impossible to read. And when the receptionist called my name to fill up more documents, I walked up with my pen ready only to realize I couldn't even see the form clearly. After that I went to the washroom. I was going to check my reflection in the mirror as always when to my dismay, I was unable to make out my own face sharply.

Even with the glaucoma, on a scale of 1-10 of medical tragedies, it's maybe a 2? Yet you suddenly realize how much you stand to lose and just how much you already have. Being able to see this screen is already such a blessing. Every day is something to be thankful for and another experience to learn from.

My final personal struggle is not being able to wear contact lenses or do Lasik surgery ever. It is the vainest and most superficial worry of all but I've been wearing lenses for almost 10 years. I've no idea how to look good in glasses. Somehow or other, I will suck it up and make it work.

2011-12-10T02:47:00.001+08:00

Don't know how a mere 2 weeks managed to entrench itself so deeply in my heart. Good thing I'm seasoned at goodbyes.

2011-12-09T11:00:00.001+08:00

79/365 Into the void - Explored, a photo by Sunshine-D on Flickr.

If anyone was paying attention, I only tend to blog during the holidays. Main reasons: I have more free time, there is actually something out of routine to say, I have nobody else to talk to since I'm always home alone.

I've Googled a list of movies released in 2011 and I'm going to finally watch all the shows I didn't have the time to.

Right now I'm watching Something Borrowed which is starting off with the theme of being 30 and still single. Even as a teenager, I grew up reading so much fiction that I thought I knew all the ways life could turn out. I got myself jaded before I even started out in life. It's bittersweet to know that when it's your turn to experience something, it still feels like you're the first person it has ever happened to. The first success, first failure, first date, first love, first heartbreak, the onset of loneliness, the search for purpose. Which just makes it all the more comforting to know that all around the world, people are also going through the same thing. Enough for so many movies to be made about the same old subjects again and again and again.

My biggest fear in letting go has always been a lack of trust/faith. Every time I end something with someone, there is an inherent fear that I will not find someone better, that I will not find someone to make me forget the previous person. When I hear about God's plans being higher than my own, a part of me childishly imagines that God will send me someone unexpected, that I won't like, or will have absolutely no attraction to and I'll end up longing for someone else. Which is incredibly stupid. So many of my fears are incredibly stupid, but they are real, and I've always been glad I'm able to be honest with myself. Otherwise I may have never gotten down to addressing all my issues.

I'm terribly grateful for God's constant protection, even when I wasn't aware I needed it. And so grateful for my incredibly blessed life, surrounded by so many wonderful people.

The Dog Walker Chronicles

2011-12-08T22:32:00.001+08:00

I think I've discovered the secret to making dog walking fun for the whole family.

Before we start, I must explain that dog walking is regarded as a major chore by everyone at home. This is because of all three dogs, only one is pleasant to walk: Shadow the Cocker Spaniel. Walking blind and osteoporotic Macy means walking one foot step every minute and trying to keep Macy from falling into holes. Malaysia is full of holes: drainholes, potholes, A-holes. Technically, you can walk Hayley and Shadow together because they run at about the same speed but it also means a Roger/Pongo and Anita/Perdy moment, wrapped up like twine.

I'm therefore the only person who feels obliged to walk them. Maybe because I'm not back as often and most likely because I have a guilt complex. And a heart (hohoho).

So first, I start with getting everybody excited. I pump them up by yelling at them really close, like in their faces, 'We can DO THIS! We can WALK THESE DOGS!' while hopping around them in circles with little boxer moves. Then I turn it into a game, playing scissors paper stone or something, with forfeits like 'Loser has to walk Macy!' This works quite well because my family is very competitive. And because they love games. If this still fails to draw any participants, I make bargains like offering to do chores they hate (Mom hates throwing the trash) or helping with paperwork (Dad hates typing).

The high of the success doesn't last very long. The night usually ends with Hayley flopping into a pile of water (sometimes urine) in exhaustion, completely ignoring my cries of 'You are such a disgusting dog! You are sooo disgusting!' And then I get a nice rash all over.

But it is very worth it. Because I love my dogs. And because I sometimes feel the disapproving glare of Cesar Millan.

2011-12-08T22:04:00.001+08:00

I accidentally let Hayley out last night and decided to turn it into a walk despite the stitch in my toe. Today she spent hours barking and jumping up on the window panes.

I think I've created a monster. A pretty monster. With golden fur. :)

2011-12-08T13:03:00.001+08:00

I'm writing this down as a reminder to myself.
Whatever the outcome, this incident is a timely wake up call.
I don't really care what ignites the flame so long as it keeps burning for the right reason.
I am reminding myself to do it for myself and not for anybody else.
Most importantly, to have no fear because God makes all things perfect in His time.
I'm not losing anything in the long run, I'm gaining everything.

So Thank You, Lord.

2011-12-03T10:22:00.001+08:00

the pain of saying goodbye, a photo by brookeshaden on Flickr.

There are times I wish I could go back to never having known pain.

Today I am glad for it because it taught me to feel.

2011-11-28T21:33:00.001+08:00

I think I'm slowly allowing myself to feel happy. Cautiously happy.

2011-11-07T04:47:00.003+08:00

Belated birthday dinner for Shang & Stef at The Hills.

On to Vertigo for the after partay.

To quote Lips, 'Another awesome girlie night out'!
Despite the huge hassle of traveling back to KL for just a couple of nights, it always ends up worth it.
As usual, I ask myself why I bother lugging all my readings and laptop 400km back and forth.

2011-10-23T01:29:00.002+08:00

I have really got to stop gossiping, for real this time. Before all my betrayals catch up to me and my world crashes down.

2011-10-21T23:08:00.000+08:00

One day, I want to look back and remember all the wonderful people who helped me scrape through dental school. Who stayed back to do my work for me, who went out of their way to help me rush things and find patients. Who truly personified the saying 'Many hands make light work'.

For now, I shall persevere through this phase where I feel like a workaholic husband neglecting his wife who is on the verge of divorcing him. That's me, married to dental school, about to be disowned by my family.

2011-10-21T00:16:00.000+08:00

Clinics have been going so much more smoothly than I expected. Uh-oh, now I've jinxed it.

Anyhoo, suddenly everyone I've spoken to seems to share the same sentiments, that we would like to have one more year of school. It's only now, in the 2nd last term that we've started getting into the groove of things, that we can finally diagnose and treatment plan. Just when it's all starting to make sense and become enjoyable, to quote BW, 'Now bye-bye, no more fun for you.'

If only there weren't requirements, then we wouldn't have spent all of our time chasing cases instead of properly learning. Though I'm sure every system has its faults, we might turn out worse without requirements. It would be great to see more complex cases and have more experience before going out to work, where it all becomes routine.

-----
Hello, Halloween!
The last time I did anything for it was Phyllis' party where I went as Sherlock Holmes in a trench coat that reached my feet. We used grapes as 'eyeballs' in our haunted house and spaghetti as brains, because I read that in a Baby-sitter's Club book.

Can't wait to check out the costume scene for the first time ever.

2011-10-09T00:36:00.005+08:00

As I see some (gorgeous) friends turning 24, I suddenly find myself freaking out about reaching the mid 20s. Age is just a number. And that explains precisely why I still feel like the same noob teenager after all these years.

Thing is, I don't feel like I've become the person I expected to be by the time I hit this age. I am not my own idea of a 20+ person. I guess I expected to be less pampered, to be in a serious relationship, ready to move out, paying my own bills and being more adult. The irony is that I'm too comfortable to do all those things, yet I don't want to get left behind as the only old kid around.

On the other hand, as one who should count their blessings for being able to live such a spoilt and comfortable life even at such an age, I shall aim for more realistic goals. Becoming more 'grown-up' isn't about adopting a more serious and boring attitude. It's about taking more responsibilities cheerfully while staying exactly who you are, even if it's weird like Zooey Deschanel in New Girl. It's about no longer expecting life to be easy and smooth sailing but still staying optimistic that things will work out.

So as the numbers get bigger and our commitments heavier, we should balance it out by getting wackier. Heh.

2011-10-04T00:01:00.004+08:00

My parents are here, without my sisters. Since it's a 3 bedroom flat (with one bedroom converted into a study room), I'm left to sleep in the study on a mattress on the floor. Mom's typing away on her Thinkpad.

The whole scene is giving me memory flashbacks. It's like pinpricks on the fringe of my mind. I remember how it felt to use Mom's Thinkpad, back when the Internet was dial-up and noisy. Back when I thought Thinkpad was a common noun, before I found out what a laptop or notebook was. Back when we used to get half hours of computer usage that we had to ask permission for way in advance, and when we had to bid for the prime time to go online and chat.

Even before that, I used to be so excited to open my Inbox. For the life of me, I've no idea what I was looking forward to receiving now. It was incredibly thrilling creating an email ID that existed, and telling my friends my email address. A whole new portal of communication. It was even more thrilling, typing away until 3am to an ex boyfriend, muffling it with a pillow, terrified my parents would come out of their bedrooms and find me way past computer curfew, hiding in the dark.

Amazing how strong the feelings still are, when I let myself drift into nostalgia.

2011-09-23T01:56:00.001+08:00

Nowadays, when I tell people, 'I'm too old for that now' and they reply, 'But you're still young!', it should be made known that I'm talking about my biological age.

2011-09-20T12:53:00.002+08:00

Truth be told, I can't remember what it's like to like someone romantically, much less like someone enough to be with them everyday for the rest of my life.

Feels overwhelming sometimes, waiting and anticipating the many ways it won't work out. Suppressing the green eyed monster. And dreading being the last one standing.

Change Is Coming

2011-09-18T20:09:00.004+08:00

Was talking with Dad in the car the other day. (Which reminds me that I've not spent any quality time with him this holiday and I'm going back in a day. The Great Depression.)

We were discussing friendships. I said that as great and important as it is to keep making friends, there is only so much time one can spend with people and it's best to invest in a few close friends. Dad, however kept insisting that the friends I now have will drift away once everyone's attached/married and I should be prepared to make new friends. So they weren't actually direct arguments against each other, but I was pretty prickly on the subject.

I hate the thought of things changing, even as I secretly long for change. I guess to put it accurately, I want specific things to change and other specific things to always stay the same. But that's not how life works.

As I write this, I am terrified of going back to school to face the 2nd last semester of clinics and the fear of not finishing. Fortunately, I am mentally prepared to go back despite only having spent a few days in KL this time. It irritates me that I'm going back early. Thank God for family on both sides of the straits.

I am also grateful and feel very blessed that my girl friends here who've been with me for more than 10 years are still the same people from the beginning. Glad we got to catch up and reunite again. It always feels wonderful to be around people who're just like family.

Phyllie Billie

Stefanopolis, Golomoloku and Shangkaroo

Everyone together again, except Nat :(

2011-09-18T20:05:00.000+08:00

I guard these memories fiercely because I may never again make better ones.

2011-09-16T21:21:00.004+08:00

I happened to pick up this book at the Tullamarine Airport in anticipation of my 6 hour wait. It's the latest in the Isabel Dalhousie series, which I had never heard of. I'm still reading it now in KL and I must say, I'm pleasantly surprised at how charming it is. It is thoughtful, fairly moral and lightly philosophical. Always a comfort to know that there are people in the world who think as much as or even more than I do about random things.

Australia

2011-09-15T11:27:00.003+08:00

Boo (or Yay) I'm back from Australia! (It's always hard to decide how to feel at the end of a trip).

Wanted to quickly jot down some thoughts before I completely get swept up in real life again. It's always great to realize that there are things in life that can still amaze you, things you're still not jaded about.

So the best part of this trip was probably the people. And indirectly, through the people, getting to experience the city properly. As much as I love traveling with my family, family trips are always about family bonding. Guided tours bring you to and from the hotel without truly experiencing a place. And it's hard to try to mingle with locals when you've your whole family, or worse whole tour group around you, creating this repellent bubble that screams 'Foreigners'.

Traveling with friends, especially friends who have very nice friends who go so far out of their way (like all the way to another universe) to bring you around, is awesome. I feel like I have such a clear picture of the cities I visited.

More importantly, I am humbled by the gestures of humanity I've seen. Okay, it's not save-the-world epic, but I met a person who rented a car to drive us for hours and hours over several days, who let us sleep in his bed while he stayed up so he could drive us an hour away to the airport for us to fly to Sydney, who accompanied me for the evening because my flight was 6 hours later than my friends'. He took me shopping though he was obviously bored and took me to dinner and dessert with his friends. And here I am, almost a complete stranger. And just so many other people who were so quick to extend a warm welcome, to make you feel comfortable. It makes me reconsider my perspective on kindness, my preconceptions and limits.

Might also be the weather. It just makes you more energetic, like you never really get tired.

Other random things I loved from the Melbourne/Sydney trip:

The coincidence of meeting my senior Wan Yi at the paeds programme in U Mel. What a great day to arrive to find her there. The brunch we had with another FOD graduate.
The slow pace of life and the friendliness of the people. Makes me feel sad I can't go around saying 'Hi, how're you?' to people back here without them thinking I'm a weirdo.
The endless eateries and dessert places in Melbourne. And they all have such pretty names and pretty decor.
How proud the people I met were of Melbourne.
How happy the dogs are at Sydney. Wish I could bring my dogs there so they could live happily ever after, walking along pavements and sniffing at grass instead of the pathetic life here. The weather is invigorating and I can imagine my dogs being less smelly, less allergenic.
The old caretaker with the white beard at the ANZAC War Memorial at Hyde Park. You could feel his love and dedication for the place in how he showed off the building. Also in how pleased he was when I told him it was a very nice place.
The walk from Coogee to Bondi Beach. Breathtaking. Even the part where we walked half an hour in the wrong direction, thanks to me.
How the street shops leave their lights on at night. It makes the view of the buildings from the streets so much prettier and you can even window shop while walking at night.
Jersey Boys! 105AUD tickets and the best seats in the theatre.
How my initial 10 hour wait at the airport to go back to KL turned into VIP day shopping (where prices are slashed store wide only once every season, and it was the very day I was there!) and meeting more new friends.

There are a tonne of other things to love and some other things to dislike. But as real life reclaims my focus, I shall let them disappear into the recesses of my mind like all other forgotten memories. At least we will always have KJ's polaroids. :D

The Line

2011-09-06T11:31:00.004+08:00

The line family.

Hanging with the line has been pretty fun lately. Think it's really nice that we're working at creating this warm family atmosphere. Of course, I worry as usual about overdoing things, wearing out the welcome too early. I am of the opinion that it is not a good idea to wear out the novelty of something too fast. Regular well spaced out doses of something is always healthier to keep the excitement alive. But what do I know?

Some fail camwhore shots i.e. huge ass faces.

We had psuedo BBQ with a hot plate (which cooks much easier!) in the breezy outdoors. Until it got so breezy that all our utensils and sauces went flying and cups went tipping. So we shifted everything indoors like at a Teppanyaki restaurant. Broke my promise about finishing up all the food, so I had to bring the leftover uncooked raw meat home. But I swear the meat was good stuff, I am already looking forward to cooking and eating it on my own.

Willis in hiding.

A Shoe Problem

2011-09-05T01:06:00.003+08:00

I very much regret not bringing back my black sneakers or black lab shoes to wear in Australia. How was I to know that nobody in this house owns black covered shoes?

Now my family judges me for wanting to buy a new pair of black shoes to go with most of my black outfits for the trip. Now I've to prove to everybody that I'm not actually the spoilt materialistic person I really am and wear shoes that do not match my clothes at all. I mean seriously, pink or gray shoes with opaque black tights?

Do I sound like Paris Hilton or do I sound like Paris Hilton.

My First RCZ Ride

2011-09-04T21:15:00.002+08:00

Owning a sports car is like being good looking, people just can't help but stare. It's also like being good looking from the back, you know they're judging you and waiting to see if you're a Butterface. The biggest downside is the pressure, everybody expects you to drive fast, drive well, park fast, and park well.

And there's no way a normal sized human can fit in the non-existent back seat. I'm never going back in there. Claustrophoooobia.

What I Am Doing Now

2011-08-29T23:35:00.001+08:00

Anja Rubik and Daria Werbowy for H&M Get Warm@Advertisement, a photo by Kenzo* on Flickr.

There's a test on Thursday and another on Friday but all I'm doing is browsing clothes ideas for cool weather in Australia. This is so like me, to find such pleasure fixating over my outfits (regardless of whether they even turn out interesting). It feels like term break already as I sit here quenching my thirst on Ribena and surfing blog pages. Ribena, by the way, is like blood to the vampire in me.

If only H&M could've opened a little earlier. I'm dying to get my hands on a long coat, a sweater dress and a shirt dress. And some in your face tights. A person can just never have enough clothes. There should be a clothes recycling facility so I never have to spend on new clothes, just exchange the old for the new.

2011-08-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

Goodbye for now Blogger, I've rediscovered the joys of Tumblr. BRB.

The Right Perspective

2011-08-23T22:31:00.004+08:00

It is a well-known fact that I am a very loud and obnoxious complainer. As I get older, I seem to be getting more emotional and easily stressed out. Sometimes I am so pissed off that I get a tension headache on one side of my neck and my face is so black on the train that I can see people staring at me with concern.

It is therefore very humbling to think about the things that I have taken for granted in life. Like yesterday, I stepped off the bus while fuming on the way to BSF and saw a blind man at the bus stop. Immediately I wondered, how is he to know when the bus he wants has arrived? I really felt so sad suddenly imagining how hard life must be for him. And I felt ashamed. For awhile. And then thoughts of school came back.

Today, as I laughed at another 'Kids Say The Darndest Things' moment from Jaydon, I recalled how just a few years ago, we had despaired over ever having a proper relationship with him. When Jaydon was younger and diagnosed as mildly autistic, it was with resignation and disappointment when we tried to talk to him but got ignored or rejected. I used to compare him with other kids and feel sad that we may never get to 'ooh' and 'aah' at things he did and said. Or share jokes and play proper games with him.

Today, that seems like a lifetime ago. I even take for granted that he is normal now and bully him as I did my sisters. And that really is what he is, normal now. So much to be grateful for in life, if we only looked through the right lenses.

Grin and Bear It

2011-08-21T02:21:00.004+08:00

It is a good and timely reminder that in my profession, there are no off duty moments, at least when you're interacting with people. It's scary but understandable that your every word and action is being scrutinized, especially in terms of being caring and friendly. It's way too easy for me to become curt and impatient, usually when I quickly want to get things done and over with. Though I remind myself to be more personable, sometimes I'm just too preoccupied with myself and I forget that the other person is a human with thoughts and feelings too. I've caught myself being cold and impersonal so often, but by then the first impression is usually made. Fortunately, it is never too late to reverse a first impression. Indeed I am thankful for the little kicks on my ass.

2011-08-14T17:35:00.003+08:00

Sunday is like a reprieve from the onslaught of the week. Admittedly, most of the stress is self inflicted. Plus this term I've invented some new obsessions but my lips are sealed on that.

I've embarked on the search for the perfect eyeglass frames, bearing in mind that after refraction my eyes will look like slits. Think I have settled on a pair that is very conspicuous. I will accept the challenge to make it work for me.

And finally, YES! MELANIE IS AMERICA'S FAVOURITE DANCER! AND MINE!

Comeback

2011-08-09T19:02:00.005+08:00

1 year too late but better late than never is our latest video! All the planning in the world never works because the ideas always emerge on the day of the shooting. Thanks to Lynette for the filming and thanks to myself for the noob editing hur hur.

2011-08-06T23:57:00.002+08:00

Went for a run for the first time in 5 weeks (++). First I felt like I was having an asthma attack, then a heart attack, then appendicitis. So my run turned into a walk. Decided to work my lungs by singing instead. Hope nobody heard me.

-----
Guess it hurts less every year. It's a bit like being in a twilight zone. Not entirely sure which emotion is real and which is rehashed or imagined. Sometimes we cling to any form of support we have, just so we don't lose ourselves.

Dong Yi

2011-07-22T23:38:00.003+08:00

It's not like I'm really into this Korean series? It just happens to be quite pleasant, not too slow moving, and I happened to let the first CD play out in its entirety of 7 episodes while I was bumming around on my laptop last Sunday.

But now I come home to find that my grandma and my bummer (I mean on vacation) cousin have finished CD2 and are on to CD3! I'm just glad they're not on CD7 or something. I'm now trying to convince Mama that we should go back to CD2 since she won't remember what happened anyway. And looks like I'm right! She's trying to rewind to the start of CD3 when she's already at the start.

It's a very deja vu moment. I recall my second sister being left behind while my youngest sister and I raced through the One Tree Hill DVD set.

The problem for me is that these shows are meant for family time. It's something I get excited about because a whole group of people are following it and are also invested in the story line. Which is why I'm not going to be catching up on the series on my own in my spare time. I'm just going to put together bits and pieces of whatever I catch whenever I catch it. I'm pretty sure Mama will fill me in with her commentary.

2011-07-21T22:46:00.002+08:00

Tipsy on a Thursday. Maybe not the best idea I've had all day. Good thing my patient canceled tomorrow then. :D

Ding Dong Wedding Bell

2011-07-20T23:09:00.002+08:00

I'm attending my first peer wedding (did that come out wrongly?) this Saturday. It's going to be interesting, and a little weird, as well as a little scary. Only thing is my dresses from ASOS haven't arrived! I know I swore at least 3 times this year to stop shopping already, a vow I broke maybe 6 times, but I thought it would be a good occasion to wear something new. Haven't really used a camera in a long time either, and everybody knows it's no good depending on another person's camera. If you want photos, you better take your own photos because the only person you can rely on is yourself.

Whoops, got all philosophical there on a camera.

Things I'm looking forward to (some with mixed feelings but that's for me to know):

The wedding
Night out with Harry, Ron and Mrs Weasley (I can only talk in code here)
The Lion King musical (Finally! With the family!)
My dresses finally arriving
Exchange trip to Melbourne

The list is quite pathetic at the moment but it's hard to see beyond the daily grind of school. And now it is WAY past my bed time of 10.30pm. It is, in fact 11.11pm. An auspicious moment. Goodnight.

Love is not consolation. It is light.

2011-07-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

Love is not consolation. It is light., a photo by Kelly West Mars on Flickr.

Sometimes I look back and marvel at how much I've recovered. Out of sight, out of mind. It's such a relief to not even want it anymore.

Other times I feel like there's a part of me that will always be trying to prove my worth to you.

At least I know I'm never settling for anything less than the grand prize now.

Hopping On The K-Wave

2011-07-16T00:50:00.005+08:00

Guess there's a reason I only know so few K-Pop artistes, because those groups are the best! Such an awesome concert! Well, bearing in mind I'm a teeny bopper at heart of course, despite my ripe old age of 23.

I heart Big Bang! (As do the other few thousand people in the Singapore Indoor Stadium.) 2NE1 and Miss A were really awesome too. Okay, so many people were awesome. They either looked awesome (which is great for grabbing one's attention) or they danced awesome. More often they looked awesome than danced awesome.

So the moral of the story is, be Korean. Because when you look Korean or speak Korean or sing Korean, you suddenly become a heartthrob. Even the ladies from China in Miss A got elevated to hot babe status just by singing in Korean.

At the end of the day, everyone left the concert wanting to go to Korea. Or stalk Big Bang at their hotel some more.

Last thing I learned, some people in class have some hidden dance moves they've been keeping to themselves. Rock on!

To Love You More

2011-07-10T16:51:00.003+08:00

Oh man, something's wrong with me. Ever since I watched Caitlynn and Mitchell dance to Mandy Moore's piece using Celine Dion's To Love You More, I can't stop rewatching and rewatching it. I think I've rewatched it 10 times and on top of that I teared the first time and a couple of times after.

I'm so obsessed with Caitlynn and Mitchell now because they're so adorable and their connection is so real. When I watch them dance, it's like watching pure joy moving on stage. Beauty in motion. I don't deny that the song has something to do with it too. Just like their second routine together, the contemporary one to Adele's Turning Tables.

Sigh. It tugs and pulls at my heart and then it makes it soar.

2011-07-09T02:13:00.003+08:00

First week of Y4T1 and I am already so sleep deprived! Too many social obligations, too many curricular deadlines. I hope the new academic year brings new exciting faces and phases to my life. I like change when it does not directly affect me.

Blades of Glory

2011-07-02T23:35:00.005+08:00

After the many PS-ers and FFK-ers, Aggie and I finally got around to rollerblading. It happens to be the latest rage - this disco skating place called The Wheels. It took me about 2 hours to sort of get the hang of effortlessly gliding. Unfortunately the only direction I could master was forward and straight.

Aggie, the more athletic of the two of us.

Me, trying and failing to dance to music.

-----
And just like that, the holiday bubble is burst and all that's left is boiling stress over unfinished lab work and clinical requirements. School is a wonderful learning experience, school is a wonderful learning experience, school is a wonderful learning experience. (Positive mantra.)

Henna & Inglot

2011-07-02T03:03:00.006+08:00

Decided to take a photo to immortalize my henna tattoo of the Pegasus. Secretly considered permanently tattooing over it and after 2 years have Mom finally realize the henna tattoo hasn't vanished. By then she'd have gotten used to it, haha. But, nah, maybe another time.

-----
My new favourite liquid eyeliner is by Inglot! It's so light and easy to apply and it doesn't give you that heavy clumpy feeling like you've paint on your eyelids. Think it was about 40+ ringgit.

Tried to take a proper photo with it on after I went out with the girls, but it was a huge phail thanks to genetically determined single eyelids.

Best I could do.

2011-07-01T10:58:00.004+08:00

This term break has felt incredible! It's only been 3 weeks (nothing compared to summer breaks of other students) but this time it felt much longer for me. I feel like I've had more than one holiday maybe because I've been to more than one place.

At this point in my life, traveling is becoming really enjoyable. I used to just tag along with everybody, not really appreciating the places I visited but now I look forward immensely to the entire experience. Right now, I'm already waiting for Melbourne in September. I'm becoming a travel junkie!

Sure, I have a million things undone and I'm not in lab once again for prep week. Realized long ago that I've only my own laziness to blame for my slowness in school. But I feel awesome being reminded that I've so many great things in life to be grateful for. Looking forward to going out with the girls tonight!

2011-06-29T18:27:00.002+08:00

House of Wax (1953) is playing and there is no hint that it is supposed to be a horror flick. Dad says the evil guy looks more like the Phantom of the Opera. I think these old classics are meant to be appreciated for their artistic value unlike the shock value of horror films today. I mean, the only thing I remember about House of Wax (2005) is the way Paris Hilton's character died with the pole through her forehead.

Old horror films just have that nice vintage feel, with classical music setting the background. Downside is that they are not horrifying at all.

Laughing With

2011-06-24T02:55:00.001+08:00

Absolutely adore Regina Spektor.

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God when the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one's laughing at God when it's gotten real late and their kid's not back from that party yet

No one laughs at God when their airplane starts to uncontrollably shake
No one's laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else and they hope that they're mistaken
No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say, "We've got some bad new, sir"
No one's laughing at God when there's a famine, fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one's laughing at God when they've lost all they got and they don't know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize that the last sight they'll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one's laughing at God when they're saying their goodbyes

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war

No one's laughing at God in a hospital
No one's laughing at God in a war

No one's laughing at God when they're starving or freezing or so very poor

No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
No one's laughing at God
We're all laughing with God

Playing Chef

2011-06-21T21:01:00.003+08:00

Pumpkin soup

Vegetable pasta

Cheesy indeedy

After years and years of vowing to cook something for the family, I've finally done it! Well, not by myself but together with Adelia, Ken and with a little help from Aggie. A baby step, but a step nonetheless.

All under 2 hours. Even with 3 pairs of hands. Probably not my calling.

Father's Day 2011 Card

2011-06-19T03:06:00.002+08:00

Inside jokes because he's flying to NZ, because he loves his Mr No boxers, was obsessed with a bead necklace and told us a joke about dogs soon to fly planes.

Jump Into A Puddle Book

2011-06-18T23:26:00.004+08:00

I think that the best part about getting old is reminiscing about the good old days. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when you remember the fun times in childhood, the memories that have been glossed over and which now are looked back upon fondly with your gold-tinted glasses (yeah I made up that phrase). I'm just saying that things you didn't appreciate in the past suddenly become so special now that you're older and they're nowhere to be found again.

Was bonding over this with my sister and cousin. We were trying really hard to recall all the old computer games we used to obsess over. Looking at Jaydon today who's addicted to Angry Birds, we felt that the games we used to play seemed more wholesome and meaningful. I remember how Adelia used to be just as clingy as Jaydon. She used to pester me to accompany her to watch things like Pocahontas, Beauty & The Beast and especially The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe which I happened to hate very much. I was also always forced (well, I probably gave in very easily considering I'm a pushover) to play The Lion King game packs with her, or try out her Lode Runner levels she created. And in the mornings we were forced to watch Madeleine or Dora The Explorer because she was ruler of the television.

It's like having flashbacks, the kind you see in movies where the actor gets flashes of images running through his mind. And here I thought movies were always fictitious, just artistic representations of real life occurrences. I literally am having flashes of pictures appearing in my head but I can't grasp onto it. It's the same way I wake up from an awesome dream and it's so vivid. I go to the loo and vow to remember it again when I next wake up so I can go through it and dissect it and marvel at the wonderful phenomenon called dreaming. But the next time I wake up, all that's left are bits and pieces.

I digress.

So far, by a monstrous combined effort, I've managed to collect these computer game/show titles from my memory:

Puddle Books - Yolanda Yellsalot, Baxter's Birthday, My Dog Harris, Fuzzooly Family (This first series was a real pain in the ass to track down)
Putt Putt & Fatty Bear - Activity Pack, Putt-putt Goes To The Moon, Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise
Arthur & D.W - Arthur's Reading Race
Barbie Fashion Designer
Where On Earth/In Time/In The World Is Carmen Sandiego

The more I dig up, the longer the list gets. It's virtually uncountable. Hard to conceive how much media I was exposed to as a child. And it's such an amazing feeling to relive these experiences which were such a huge part of my growing up.

Lobster Baby

2011-06-18T23:00:00.002+08:00

Lobster Baby, a photo by ChrisDag on Flickr.

Normally wouldn't share low-res photos but the above Halloween costume is just too adorbz!

Just had Father's Day dinner at a seafood place. I fought the battle against the lobster and aside from some minor injuries, came out victorious. It was full on lobster demolition tonight. Paid my dues and finished up everything.

Since Adelia, Athalie and I sat separately from the older folks, all we had was lobster and some tofu. We decided to head to Ikea for RM1 hot dogs (which by the way has inflated to RM2 hot dogs for those who might be as affected by this tragedy as I am).

We were walking out when we had this conversation.

Me (looking at Ath) : Eh, I don't have any money.
Ath (looking at Ade): I don't have any money.
Ade: I also don't have any money.

And we had to walk back to get money from Mom.

When we arrived at Ikea we realized we weren't hungry anymore so we strolled over to a mall directory. There we weighed and compared the nutritional value of an Ikea hot dog vs. an Ikea curry puff vs. a Baskin Robbins ice cream cone.

We left with one sugar-laden BR junior cone in hand each.

KLCC

2011-06-18T19:13:00.002+08:00

I tend to generalize that most people have visited the Petronas Twin Towers. As dutiful hostess to people who visit my house, I ask out of courtesy if they want to go to KLCC. Everyone always tells me 'Nah, it's okay, I've been there.'

So you can imagine my utter shock that my own precious aunt claims never to have gone near the landmark. Nobody at home believed it either. We started mockingly berating my mother for having been so neglectful of her sister.

Today we made a trip to KLCC just for Sa-ee's sake. Ended up being quite taxing an experience. First of all, all the toilets were all out of order. Mama queued for about half an hour before she could get into the Ladies. We thought she'd fainted or something inside. Jaydon went to pee and there was no water to wash his hands. He spent the rest of the day in discomfort, with his hands awkward and claw like. And Mom got mad at the Parkson cashiers for not knowing how to operate some point redemption system. She already knew they didn't know how to work it but she insisted on going to another cashier counter and yelling at a second batch of employees. -.-'

After she got all the ranting out of her system, she was back to old smiley Mommy. All fear mother dear.

Notes To Self

2011-06-17T01:29:00.001+08:00

No more shopping
Keep hair away from scissors until 2012
No more McDonald's
No more Indomee after 12am

Daddy Air Mail

2011-06-16T01:27:00.002+08:00

It's the holidays and it's full on non stop online TV action! Favourite shows coming back (too embarrassed to name them), movies all night long on Funshion, night becomes day, day becomes night, worries are far away. Ah, this is the life.

What I really wanted to mention was my Dad. Been looking around the house and the products we use and I realize there's a connection to my father and his current travel routes. When he first started going to Brisbane, we kept eating chicken, beef and lamb pies, the frozen kinds you heat up. It's like he goes somewhere and finds something he likes, or is told is popular and suddenly the whole family is roped into that phase.

After the pie period, he started going to Perth and when we mentioned we liked these grain chips we had there, it became Grain Waves season. Every single time he came back from Australia, it was more Grain Waves until we just couldn't eat them all in time for the next batch. He was so diligent about it that even when the bags of chips popped open in the high altitude, he stapled them close to save them for us.

Lately, he started going to India. The whole family was introduced to Himalaya facial products. In fact, every single toilet and dressing table in my KL home now is covered with Himalaya, either eye cream, facial wash, facial moisturiser or whatever you can think of.

I guess it's great, and convenient, if not a bit obsessive. And it comes from a good place. I still remember how sensitive he got that we didn't like the dresses/handbags he bought from France. We had to keep reassuring him that they were great and we were using them, just that he hasn't seen us in them. More proof that my whole family is sensitive to the max. Geez.

Quotable Quotes by Jaydon

2011-06-15T19:36:00.004+08:00

In the cab home:

Cab driver: Where to?
Jaydon: I don't know, because I'm not from this country. So I don't know the address.

At the playground:

Jaydon: Excuse me, I don't know how to speak Malay because I am not from this country.
Malay boy: Oh, I speak English.
Jaydon to Mom (awestruck expression): They can speak English!

-----
In other news, I am shagged out from chasing after Jaydon playing Freeze and Melt.

Gals and Pals

2011-06-05T22:57:00.001+08:00

Last week of school starting and all I can think of is 'Boy, I really hope there's a beach party with awesome music to dance to when I go to Phuket.'

Miss my gal pals. I used to think I operate better with guys, the exception being D'Gang of girls back home. I think that I just click better with whoever's more easy going. Where I don't have to be too prim and proper, dainty and polite. I like being loud and rowdy, not girly and cutesy.

-----
Not sure where I honed the bad habit of comparing my life with others, but even today I am plagued by it. I'm a classic victim of the grass is greener on the other side, and it's hard for me to truly feel happy for another person, unless I tell myself that things aren't always as good as they seem (for the other person). So I learn to surrender, and I cling on to 1 Cor 13: 4-8 so I can try to desire the best for others.

But every now and then some things hit close to home. Things I wanted but I've told myself I don't need. Things I've experienced that I want to forget. Memories that hit with full potency. You can't un-know what you already know.

So you gotta do what you gotta do. You tell yourself, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

2011-06-05T22:42:00.003+08:00

Guess I'll have to settle instead for PHUKET.

2011-05-31T22:33:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO GO TO KRABI

Disney Facade

2011-05-29T18:41:00.006+08:00

Many of us grew up on Disney movies, believing the world was a magical place, that good always triumphs over evil and the beautiful princess always meets her prince charming and lives happily ever after.

To my horror, I found out later on in my teens that some of the stories the animations were based upon had been tweaked out of their unhappy endings. Like Quasimodo actually died, and prolly the Little Mermaid as well, I can't recall completely. Basically, the original stories were very depressing and all Disney did was take a happy spin on the premise and characters.

The only time Disney decided to stick to the story was in Pocahontas, when in Part 2 (the unreleased movie, only in DVD) she met and married John Rolfe. I still remember my complete confusion and shock. It was like my world came crashing down. Was this even possible? How could she forget John Smith? How can a person have loved two guys? What happened to all that romantic running in the forest, all the odds that were beaten to be together, overcoming the racial and cultural differences? Pocahontas 2 felt so sacrilegious to me.

Of course, over time, I got over it. Pocahontas was a woman beyond her times.

2011-05-28T23:40:00.004+08:00

It should be an accepted fact of life that nobody but you cares about your problems. As much as they might feel bad, it's never going to last for long because it just isn't them going through it. There's never space for another person's issues. So we should all just stop expecting sympathy and stop self-pitying.

Just saying.

-----
Having so much trouble learning the butt dance by Kara's Mr.! Soooo frustrated.

2011-05-28T21:50:00.003+08:00

I want me an Audi R8 coupe, what with the coupe being the sportscar version of a sedan/saloon. Best of both worlds!

Under The Boardwalk

2011-05-23T00:49:00.001+08:00

Sentosa Boardwalk, a photo by Mel Mijares on Flickr.

The best kind of friends are the ones you don't have to try with. The kind that when you're together, you just slip back into the same old group dynamics as though all the years never went by.

It felt like time was endless, sitting on the wooden floor of the Sentosa Boardwalk, talking and laughing about the past. Talking and laughing about Ian moonlighting as a call boy, deliberately misunderstanding his every job description to be something dirty. Hadn't laughed that hard in ages. Sure beats crunches and sit ups.

People say look forward, but IMHO the comfort of the past can be so much more alluring.

-----
I will not let these moments define my life.

An Evening of Romance with Jim Brickman

2011-05-22T00:29:00.003+08:00

Couples holding hands, couples snuggling, couples smooching, one woman crying. Indeed, what a romantic night it was, listening to America's platinum-selling romantic piano sensation (as he mockingly called himself) Jim Brickman playing his piano tunes.

So I only knew about 4 things he played and the rest were easy listening, non complex melodies/chords but I found myself surprised it had ended. Surprised it was already 9.30pm because it didn't seem that long. Even if you're not enraptured by the song, it's a soothing background for you to reflect and think about things.

He's also a pretty funny guy, and the comedic relief of the banter between him and the guest singer was well timed. So overall I enjoyed it, and it's making me look forward to more musicals and concerts coming up. Hadn't realized how artistically deprived I was but that's going to change now.

-----
Always wonder why some shampoo bottles tell you what kind of hair it's for and others what kind of hair the user can expect to achieve. Like, 'For dry hair' or 'For silky hair' or 'For fine, flyaway hair' or 'For oily hair'.

Soooo, does using this give me oily hair? What's even a good texture to go for? Poor consumers.

2011-05-21T14:52:00.001+08:00

coming storm., a photo by vintagebutton on Flickr.

In the pursuit of feeling nothing, I have succeeded in becoming completely numb.

2011-05-21T14:41:00.003+08:00

My jaw totally dropped in awe at the freshly shorn heads of Brittani and Molly. I want Brittani's look so much! Kay, after I'm done growing out my hair. I'll set a date with the hairdresser's for next year.

2011-05-19T21:30:00.001+08:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

The Hills Are Alive

2011-05-17T23:00:00.005+08:00

I'm rewatching the Sound of Music. After I downloaded it, I felt pretty reluctant to actually sit down and see it through because it's soooo old and I've seen it a million times before. Once the music started playing, I was hooked again. I remember every scene and almost every song.

The only thing that was new to me in the last few viewings was the fact that this is a love story. Behind the childhood tunes, the antics of the von Trapp children and the comedy of the sticky situations is the Captain and Maria falling in love.

Always lovely how the best shows get better with each time you watch it. This show's where I learned the name Liesl too. :)

-----
Edit:
Halfway through I remembered the other emotional part of the show for me, how Captain Georg (just Google-ed because I forgot it was pronounced Gay-org) and his family were so patriotic but had to leave their precious Austria. It's probably the only show that stirred up any emotions in me due to a sense of nationalism.

It makes me wonder if I'll ever feel that way if I had to defend Malaysia. I can imagine quite easily getting swept up in feelings of nationalist pride, blinded by a sense of ownership to the country you were born in, the only country you can call your own. The same way you would defend the only family you own and all other things you associate your identity with. Is it sensible though, to give up one's life for a piece of land?

2011-05-17T00:30:00.005+08:00

I think it must be a lot of fun to be like ANTM's Jay Manuel. To just stand in the corner and give 'artistic directions' to models on what looks pretty. Much prefer it to being a photographer and having to learn all that technical jazz plus have an eye for composition.

2011-05-16T23:37:00.002+08:00

It's that time of the year again! When I contemplate crazy ideas like shaving my head. *Wiggles eyebrows*

2011-05-12T23:14:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be doing this. I can't see myself improving much, and when I do improve at something, I stop doing it for awhile and the moment I try it again, I'm back at square one.

I have this never ending list of mistakes I've made that I'm to learn from and never repeat again. It's growing so long I get a headache trying to remember everything. Which sort of backfires because once I go into panic frozen mode, I can't think clearly at all. I've noticed I am so much sharper and more astute when I'm the assistant, not the operator.

Just don't feel there's any one thing I'm good at. Like I'm kinda lousy at all the specialties anyway. Guess this is just another glory that will go to the Maker if I pull through. Because right now, any success is definitely not going to come from my own hands.

2011-05-12T22:14:00.000+08:00

This hasn't been a good week.

2011-05-11T22:55:00.003+08:00

Lately I've been throwing out numbers like '10 years' and feeling surprised that my exaggerations are really not exaggerations after all.

Example 1:

Aggie: You used to run marathons, okay.
Me: That was like 10 years ago.

And it really was! I was, what, 14?

Example 2:

Jaydon: Wow, you played piano till Grade 8? Why didn't you become a piano teacher?
Me: That was like 10 years ago, I can't play for nuts now.

Yup, that too was a decade ago.

It's actually kinda fun.

2011-05-08T19:53:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, I went to Yishun Stadium to experience an election rally. I listened to the Workers' Party member rah rah-ing the crowds and I was really amazed by the thousands of people who turned up. People of all ages were there, from little kids together with their parents and old couples with foldable stools and picnic mats, prepping as though to enjoy a long night on the field. Standing there, you realize you're really part of history unfolding, that this is bigger than just you, your social circle or your community, this is nation scale.

It's not like I'm even voting. If you asked me to attend something like this for Malaysia's General Election, I probably couldn't be more apathetic about it. Similarly, despite this being the first rally I've attended (which makes sense since I've only been here about 5 years), most of my Singaporean friends have never attended one either. This mild growing of political awareness probably coincides with coming of age to vote. Maybe from here forth I'll be a lot more interested in political affairs, both in Singapore and Malaysia. Who knows? It is refreshing to be discussing an issue more worldly than the usual affairs that plaque the life of a dental student.

-----
On a totally separate issue, I've been trying to figure out how California Fitness has been getting my phone number to offer me these free membership trials. At first I genuinely thought someone had recommended me because I was told so and so (real names) had put my name on a list. I finally checked it out and those people say they never did it.

So during one of my moments of reflection in the shower, I thought of Facebook. From past experiences, these salespeople or advertising companies can easily look up your information online and find out your details or who you're related to. Just like some friends who won tickets from a radio station to find out the radio station knows where they study and who they're attached to.

It's still harmless when nothing criminal happens to you. It's just scary and sobering how many strangers out there know so much about you. Usually I figure that it's just a 'friend of a friend' so we're all friends anyway, 3 degrees of connections won't hurt. Except you never know when what you put up will come back to haunt you.

2011-05-07T14:25:00.003+08:00

I am so relieved to find that I am once again able to feel neutral or even happy for some people around me. Was starting to despair over turning into a bitter green-eyed monster.

2011-05-07T01:52:00.001+08:00

Quinta Flower {Explored}, a photo by Teka e Fabi® on Flickr.

If I cannot win you over with my wit, charm, looks or kindness, I hope to at least win you over with my sincerity.

2011-05-07T01:27:00.002+08:00

T2i - Red Heart, a photo by doug88888 on Flickr.

There are days when it really helps to remind myself that my life on earth is transient. It puts all my worries into perspective. People really shouldn't sweat the small stuff.

-----

Feel like buying a really nice camera just so I can take pretty photos for my blog. A little sick of looking at my own words. All that spiel/drivel.

In Freedom We Revel

2011-05-07T01:07:00.003+08:00

The new beachwear on Asos is so pretty! It's reviving my beach fantasy. Which to be honest is probably just a fantasy I cling on to so I still feel excited about something. The sort of thing where the anticipation is so much more delicious than the actual thing. But I don't care because that sort of giddy rush is the kind of thrill I live for most times.

It's like going out dancing. Chances are high that I don't have a great time after all and while riding a cab home, I vow never to go out clubbing again. Never ever ever again. Last time, I swear, I'm too old, I'm so over it, I hate the crowds, I hate when the music's bad, I'm always so tired.

Yet again and again the idea of it tempts me so much. Just like tonight, we were all watching movies and then club hits on Youtube on Ian's awesome HD TV (yes, HD TV still impresses me). Jamie and I just felt so excited we really really almost decided to go out right there and then. I may have resisted the urge tonight but I bet I'll give in sooner or later.

The potential of something is always a greater lure than the thing itself. I think that's the answer to why I can't bear the thought of living forever in Malaysia. In my mind, I feel trapped and terrified of being somewhere that does not have the prospect of bringing me something new, something unexpected, something I am probably searching for all my life but have not found. I cannot bear thinking that here I am doing the same old thing day in day out when I could be somewhere else, exposed to new possibilities.

It can be a dangerous thing to pursue, I think.

School is Cruel

2011-05-04T20:58:00.002+08:00

Days like this, I feel so inept. I really want to be good at what I'm going to be doing forever. I really want to stop making mistakes but when it comes down to the crunch, I can't apply any knowledge. I can't seem to improve and I keep making stupid mistakes. I have this growing list of things not to do, things to look out for, things not to repeat - it doesn't do much good.

After today's complex perio fiasco, I have realized that all the guidelines in the lectures and seminars which I normally dismiss as mere technicalities really do serve important purposes. I have now truly experienced why we need PAs for the whole mouth, or at least any tooth we need to determine the prognosis of. The amount of bone left will make or break whether the tooth is condemned or salvageable, instead of wasting time cleaning and cleaning something that's irrational to treat. A deep pocket or even mobility may not mean poor prognosis if there's no bone loss because these may be due to widened PDL which is resolvable.

I also realize now the importance of accurate measurement and charting of probing depths. I used to think it really didn't matter since the treatment is always the same. After today, I know how every little change matters in determining if there is healing or progression of disease. Every mm makes the difference for the patient, makes the difference for how deeply and thoroughly you root plane, makes the decision for whether you try again because you see some progress or you give up and refer or extract.

This is a reminder to myself that all the research and evidence, all the lecture information and advice, all the instruments and equipment are there for a purpose. If it exists, somebody must have found it important to take note of, so I should not dismiss the need for it so quickly.

And yes. I shall not be specalizing in perio, tqvm.

A Typical Long Weekend

2011-04-30T16:48:00.003+08:00

Wait, let me correct that. Having a long weekend is NOT typical. But as the stars have aligned and resulted in the fortuitous coincidence of public holidays on weekends, we've had 2 this term.

I have observed that since my long year (and then some) of depression has somewhat ended (touch wood), I am done with rebound relationships and friendships. There is no longer this desperate urge in me to be out with somebody so I don't have to be home alone.

As such, my typical long weekend is divided into 3 parts. It might surprise you that these 3 parts are divided into the 3 days.

Day 1: Continuous streaming of movies on Funshion to occupy my every waking hour. This can range from anywhere between 8-12 hours of movies. And as a night cap - The Vampire Diaries.

Day 2: The obligatory routines of church or errands, family time so to speak. Dinner with my aunt and uncle, a walk in the park which does nothing to firm up my body that is fighting a losing battle against sagging and cellulite.

Day 3: The final scramble. The epic battle between the holiday mood I've induced upon myself from Day 1 activities and the endless work I have as a result of the procrastination. BSF, 20 odd sets of readings, things I vow to get smarter on to become the best dentist I can be but which usually lose out to Insta-fun. The pressure gets worse and worse as the unproductive hours tick away and finally it is time to sleep and worry about it another day because it is now too late to do anything and I will be very grouchy if I go to school on less than 6 hours of R.E.M.

-----
Confessing every thought and emotion that bothers me seems to validate my right to think and feel them.

If I Could

2011-04-30T02:21:00.002+08:00

I would disconnect my heart from my brain and erase all the files.

2011-04-27T23:20:00.002+08:00

My first problem: I'm selfish and self-absorbed with irrational ideals and expectations and an incapability of truly loving another person.

My second problem: I don't know how to be different.

To Remember Or Not

2011-04-16T16:36:00.003+08:00

I wish I did more things in life that I could write diary entries on. When I was a kid, I wrote pages and pages on vacations and the new places I saw. Sometimes, I still have this urge to record journal-style the holiday locations I visit because all those fun memories are bound to be forgotten quickly. You only appreciate what might have been forgotten when you look back on those entries and think, 'I totally forgot this happened!' It's all in the details.

Nowadays, Facebook photo albums have served the purpose of an archive for me. It's not the same though, sometimes it captures the activity but not the mood or the exact situation. The next time I go somewhere, I will be more diligent with a photo and written journal. I just hate starting because once I get into it, I really get into it. I start writing every minute detail and I cannot stop. And the vacation gets ruined because I sit there all night recording the events of the day.

-----
I never really understood how people would go into a depression kind of funk on anniversaries of lost ones. I used to think, shouldn't everyday feel the same? If you're sad then everyday should be sad. If you're fine then why would the anniversary matter?

Now I get it. I don't get the logic of it but I get it because it happens to me too. Every other day you're totally fine. But you're only fine because you've chosen to not look back on it, not because you're really okay with it. In the death of a relationship, which I also consider as losing a loved one, each anniversary brings back the pain of the memory.

It seems irrational to fear a particular date. But the anniversary signifies the event. And for me, the anniversary signifies the relationship. And when the anniversary of whichever event comes along, it reminds me of repressed things. It brings back old hurts. It brings on new hurts when I realize I'm the only one affected by the anniversary. As I said, irrational.

2011-04-10T19:42:00.001+08:00

chicken baby I (thanks for explore), a photo by fotogamie on Flickr.

Now would be a good time to start mustering up some enthusiasm for school resuming tomorrow.

Sweep

2011-04-07T14:06:00.003+08:00

Whenever I'm home, I figure I should pitch in with the house chores more since I only contribute about 4 times a year. Today, I've washed and hung the clothes to dry, cleared the yard of the scattering of poop bombs and swept the yard.

As I was sweeping the floor with the old traditional rattan broom, it struck me how much taller I am now since the last time I used it, probably a decade ago. Felt like the Hunchback of Notredame, bending over. The sideways sweeping motion reminded me suddenly of back in primary school when we had class duty rosters. Every week, someone was in charge of sweeping the floors, emptying the bins, cleaning the blackboard or wiping the windowpanes. I always tried to wrangle the bin-emptying task since it was minimal effort.

Back to sweeping: I remember how we had Kemahiran Hidup or Home Economics teaching us the best angle to hold a broom and how to use a dustpan. Except it's so much more difficult now when I'm bent double to reach the broom. Was our old maid really that short?

After today's efforts which continue to ruin my neck, I am very grateful to Benjamin Franklin for discovering electricity. It was him, right?

K-k-k-ing's S-s-s-peech

2011-04-06T21:44:00.003+08:00

It is so painful watching Colin Firth stammering and stuttering on the TV screen. Feeling so sad for the poor bugger. Before the whole hype about the movie, I thought, really? An entire movie on speech therapy?

It's a really nice change to see Helena Bonham Carter as a normal person instead of raving mad Bella Lestrange or Queen of Hearts. And I couldn't place Geoffrey Rush either except as 'that Pirates of the Caribbean' guy. Davy Jones, Captain Barbosa, blah blah, no recollection.

So what makes a good actor? Being a chameleon I suppose. The ability to not just act, but become the character, to convince you that they're really who they portray on screen. Some movie stars are so overexposed by the glitz and fame that they become merely famous personalities. Or they've played a particular character for so long (cough, Twilight, cough, Harry Potter, cough) that it's impossible to separate the person from who they play.

Which is why the movie's so great. Firstly, these actors are insanely convincing. Secondly, it's a delightfully fresh plot. Thirdly, it's British humour at its subtlest. What would we do without that stiff upper lip.

2011-04-06T01:59:00.001+08:00

heart-shaped bokeh♥, a photo by ~♥ Mademoiselle 5oo5a ♥~ www.5oo5a.com on Flickr.

Mom and Dad must surely be the most amazing, selfless parents in the world.

I heart them.

FYI, heart can officially be used that way now according to the liberally inclusive Oxford Dictionary.

2011-04-06T00:31:00.003+08:00

I honestly don't get why some people are so tactless as to keep bringing up subjects I consider taboo. I try not to take it personally, I mean obviously nobody would remember or continue to be affected. Even if they understood. I'd probably do the same in that position. I guess you had to be there to know how much I don't want to talk about some things.

But I realize that if this is part of the plan to get better, then I'll endure it. It has to stop bothering me some day.

And for a pick me up, let's all listen to Yeah 3x by Chris Brown. WoOtwOoT

My Neck Is Killing Me

2011-03-26T20:38:00.004+08:00

Been thinking about the possible causes:

The position of my hair parting. I need to tilt my head to keep my hair off my face.
Dentistry.
Dancing for Evocation 2011.
My awful posture while studying for exams.
My terrible sleep habits and my inability to sleep unless I'm twisted like a pretzel.
My super heavy tote bag.

To solve this mystery, I'll have to proceed by elimination. So begins my neck diary. This time, I do not kid.

2011-03-26T01:40:00.002+08:00

In recent years, I've attempted to immortalize myself by taking as many awesome photogenic photos as I can. I try because I know they'll be my only evidence of my youth once the years start rushing by. Lately, I realize it hasn't been very effective because every time I look at old albums and old pictures of myself, I can't stand the way I look. Bad clothes, bad hair, bad smile, been there, done that.

Looks like inner beauty really is the only way to go.

I kid, I kid.

Poodle-ized

2011-03-24T16:08:00.001+08:00

188/365: We gotz haircutz..., a photo by Chris Petty Photography on Flickr.

Let's Deconstruct

2011-03-24T15:07:00.004+08:00

So I'm back in Singapore again and I've sorted out my mess of a wardrobe. Realize that my clothes are spreading like weeds, infiltrating all the cupboards. Am sneakily getting rid of other people's presumed unwanted clothes and replacing the space with mine. To be fair, I just gave away a whole bag full of clothes as well. Now I've got to list down all my upcoming events and think of what to wear for them. Way to kill time these hols.

Back in KL, the carpenters are coming in to tear down our old bedroom cupboards and put in new more grown up looking furniture. Yesterday, Mom and I bought a mobile clothes rack to put all the hanging clothes on. Since Dad wasn't around, we decided to get a cheap easily assembled one from a hardware shop instead of one from Ikea with all the screws and nuts and bolts. Which probably explains why the rack started leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa within half an hour.

Today, I left Adelia to pick up the dog poop, wash the clothes and open the door for the carpenters as I got into a cab headed for the airport. Feel a bit guilty for abandoning Fungus now. It got me thinking once again that living in 2 places like this has spared me the hassle of enduring renovations. Each time I fly back to the other house, something new has been done, some work has been completed and I did not have to suffer through the construction.

Construction is so inconvenient because you have to make adjustments to your routine. You've to stop using the room, deal with the dust and noise, etc. Feel a little evil but I remember feeling so lucky I didn't have to be around for the 3 months of termite extermination where the living room looked like crap.

Likewise, I've gone back to KL in the past to discover newly cleaned backyards, newly arranged wardrobes, newly replaced leather couches, newly placed flooring and I'm guessing when I'm back the next week, newly installed furniture.

I feel relieved avoiding all that but I also feel like I'm not part of the hardship and therefore not part of history being made.

Bottle It Up

2011-03-21T22:19:00.003+08:00

After watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice for so long, it has dawned on me that I would like to live in that fantasy world. Maybe some people out there do live like that or maybe it's just well scripted lines as usual, but it would be so awesome to be around people who you can be as OCD as you like and they get it anyway.

I've always been called an over thinker, but last year someone told me it was just neurotic behaviour. I think he's right. I'd love to be able to just say what I think and express how I feel and know they won't leave me or get tired of me. To be free to worry and feel insecure without fear that they'll walk away. I feel so tired of making sure I say the right thing, trying to set the right mood, send the right image, and be lovable that I don't even know if I'm being myself. Because all I've learnt throughout each failure is that I think too much, that I'm the cause, that I'm a burden. So I learned to repress.

Which makes this dangerous territory to tread on. If I start dwelling too much on the ideal free speech - free love lifestyle, I'll forget that in reality, self-censorship is necessary for the survival of a relationship.

Awesome Things

2011-03-21T00:59:00.003+08:00

I've decided to try to come up with random small awesome things a la 1000 Awesome Things, hopefully one with each post.

To kick start, I thought of 3 today:

#1 Finally finding a real-life use for the things I study: to understand medical shows

#2 Winning at Mastermind without having used an ounce of logic, just pure gut feeling.

#3 Wearing sneakers to a club so my feet don't get stomped on