I've been in Singapore close to, 7 years? 6 and a half. The house I live in is no longer anything special, it's just home. Home the way you can close your eyes and in your mind envision the layout of the entire place.

For just one second, though, I walked out of the shower and caught a whiff of something. It immediately brought me back to how I used to feel about Mama's place. The excitement and foreignness of staying here in Singapore when we used to visit as children. That thrill of turning past the guard house, arriving at the condo lobby and rushing up the stairs. And at night, when we cousins stayed up so late to play games, never wanting the night to end because we hated to part when it was time to go back to Malaysia.

So cool how that one whiff could remind me of all this. Such a shame so much of childhood gets forgotten. I always talk about how I don't remember anything from my school days, or even JC days. But that's not true, I remember all the fun I had with my sisters and cousins.

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

I got glaucoma, but I think God gave me pseudo double eyelids to cheer me up and make up for it. Teehee.

R.I.P.

Shadow 

30th October 1999 - 2nd January 2012

Hayley 

26th February 2008 - 2nd January 2012

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Unfortunately, it is not a date I could ever forget.

 

Love you always, Hayley Bales. Miss you already.

I really regret all the times I wanted to show you love, but I held myself back. I should have heck cared the allergies, your smelly pee fur and just hugged you whenever I wanted to and let you slobber all over me whenever you wanted to. I really really regret not loving you the way I should have.

And I hate not being back home, going through all the hard parts, suffering together with my family. I feel unworthy, sitting here in a cocoon, emotionally numb and distant when I want so badly to cry over and miss my dogs the way I should.

I sincerely hope that all dogs go to heaven. So I can someday meet Shadow and Hayley again.

Dad texted me this morning, 'Happy Birthday Ale! So sad, Shadow passed away today.'

The worst part is that I am too far away to feel it, too far away to grieve and mourn the passing of the most faithful and loyal dog that ever lived. I just feel really bad for the last time we yelled at him, 'Who?? Who??' for doing his business too close to the house. And for kicking him out for smelling the garbage.

I also feel the guilt of neglect for bringing Hayley home, which caused him to become a recluse because he hated Hayley, hated being disturbed by her puppy ways. His death came too suddenly, the way they always warn against in books and movies: Show love before it's too late. Because now it's too late to make it up to Shadow.

And yet there was humour. Talking to Adelia, she said, 'I don't know if something happened to him before he died, because there was puke beside him. Or maybe the other dogs saw his body and puked.' And when I asked if the people at home cried, she said, 'A bit lah. But then we had to dig a huge hole. So a bit tired lah.'

 The only photo I have left of baby Shadow.

Mom cried as I spoke to her. I can't, because the situation is too distant from me right now. But I can feel it on the peripheries of my emotions, to never be greeted by his small black figure again, never to see, touch or smell him and his sad little droopy face again, the pain of his memory fading away, that all that's left of him are the few scattered photographs. Coming back to KL and realizing he is gone. Shadow's really just a shadow now.

I could live life alone
And never feel the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live with many things
And I could carry, but...I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know 

I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's now morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without you 

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful to me
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything
And I could carry on, oh yes
But if you weren't in at all...

Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh Jesus, oh, I have because You give
You're everything to me Oh...

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I think this is probably one of my favourite songs. I feel like it speaks to me and addresses all my fears. It reminds me that there is only one important thing to live for.