Dad texted me this morning, 'Happy Birthday Ale! So sad, Shadow passed away today.'

The worst part is that I am too far away to feel it, too far away to grieve and mourn the passing of the most faithful and loyal dog that ever lived. I just feel really bad for the last time we yelled at him, 'Who?? Who??' for doing his business too close to the house. And for kicking him out for smelling the garbage.

I also feel the guilt of neglect for bringing Hayley home, which caused him to become a recluse because he hated Hayley, hated being disturbed by her puppy ways. His death came too suddenly, the way they always warn against in books and movies: Show love before it's too late. Because now it's too late to make it up to Shadow.

And yet there was humour. Talking to Adelia, she said, 'I don't know if something happened to him before he died, because there was puke beside him. Or maybe the other dogs saw his body and puked.' And when I asked if the people at home cried, she said, 'A bit lah. But then we had to dig a huge hole. So a bit tired lah.'

 The only photo I have left of baby Shadow.

Mom cried as I spoke to her. I can't, because the situation is too distant from me right now. But I can feel it on the peripheries of my emotions, to never be greeted by his small black figure again, never to see, touch or smell him and his sad little droopy face again, the pain of his memory fading away, that all that's left of him are the few scattered photographs. Coming back to KL and realizing he is gone. Shadow's really just a shadow now.