Post-Aristal Blues

Today was interesting.

I found out that:
1) Chriselle and her sister are like twins.
2) I love Chriselle a tonne.
3) Chris thinks Pravin is handsome. Which I suppose he is, and gentlemanly, too.
4) Pravin simply adores (OMGWTH) I-forgot-Chris'-sister's-name.
5) He REALLY adores her.
6) I can never cut off ties with people just because I want to.
7) I cannot walk far in heels without my toes cramping up.
8) Singapore will always hold a different aura than Malaysia for me.
9) I cannot aim well at arcade shooting games.
10) Time can freeze. Sometimes you think time changes things, but it really doesn't at all.
11) MP3s should stop being manufactured.
12) I make up my mind VERY fast when I shop.
13) When I buy things for people, I tend to end up keeping the stuff for myself.
14) Every cloud has a silver lining.

I seem unable to just live life without this sense of wonder. When I only knew one way of life, I was ignorant and blissful. Now that I know another, I seem to be living outside of my mind most of the time, just marveling at how life goes on even when you're not moving with it. Like I'm not really present in the things I'm doing everyday, but watching myself and others around me move. I now I've mentioned this before, but does this make me mental? Haha. Maybe I'm semi-ghost. Voyeur.

It's the strange feeling I get when I visit places, take trains or ride buses in Singapore. I feel almost like I'm in a deja vu moment, like my stint here never happened and I'm just reliving a dream. Just going through the motions. Then I wake up and find myself at home in Malaysia.

In a way, it's thrilling. On the other hand, it's not very, er, normal.
Imagine when I add NZ or Australia to the list. Mental meltdown.

Photo of the night: Tim's perpetually crazy expression.

Home, with some safe distance again to maintain my peace of mind.
Isn't it sad how someone you were closer to than any other person in the world can become completely unreachable? It's like it nullifies all that ever happened.
So much bitten back but I have a duty to myself, to put me first and foremost above others.
Analyze, Al, analyze. Isn't being brutally honest with yourself what you do best? What is it exactly that you're looking for? And why do you want it?
I guess, it's always to me, 'Why not?' Sometimes I just really really miss you.
But it's pretty obvious that as more time passes, it's more and more impossible to salvage any pieces.

What does 'Admission denied' mean now. Darn it.

Pouring rain today while leaving uni.
And no shuttle from IMU this time. =(
Hwei Jene & me decided to brave the drizzle.
The stairs we usually climb had turned into a cascading waterfall with icky brown water.
So we walked a marathon up the hill.
All wet. Poor us.
Rain induced headache now.
And SO MANY THINGS GOING ON THESE FEW DAYS.

Happy B'day Si Bibir!

Hillsong United

Uper duper tired!

My knee joints felt like exploding. My back was aching. My throat now feels sore, and the least painful way of speaking was in a high-pitch squeak. My ears were still ringing an hour later - partial deafness. And the first step I took up the stairs was torture to my hip joint.

But it was awesome! Really truly awesome.

Ade, me, Aggie.

Cell people: Kevin, me, Ernie.

Hillsong in action.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

LOL

dancing with faeries on Flickr © dacookieman

Laughing out loud is an exhibitionist, uninhibited act of self-expression. I think it's something you practise until it becomes part of your nature. Even if you're shy, just give it a go and it'll become a habit.

Seriously. I used to think my sister was wacko everytime she was watching TV alone downstairs and I'd hear her laughter - solo - coming up the stairs. Honestly, it sounds a little mad to be laughing on your own. Up until early teenagehood (when I was still less extroverted), I don't ever recall having a rib-tickling moment on my own.

I'd heard Shang talk about laughing aloud at Bizarro comics, Golo chortling at Garfield, and I hear Aggie guffawing away at the telly. So one day, I decided to just give it a shot. I watched a sitcom, and I experimented with chuckling out loud, even though I didn't find it that funny. I read the comics section and giggled a little.

Soon enough, I started laughing at everything - sitcoms, books, movies, weird people around me, lecturers. It becomes some kind of reflex. Finding humour in even not-so-funny things. And even though it seems strange, it does make situations a little cheerier. You may reflect and realize it's totally unhumorous but at the same time, laughing a little (even though forcefully at first) makes it almost entertaining.

Now I think my laugh's gotten a teensy bit too loud. Like I'll realize I'm the only one in the group laughing at that amplitude. I guess there is still such a thing as going overboard.

I can't resist The Hitchhiker's Guide. It's nuts.

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I need to start running everyday again. Become Miss Obsesso like once upon a time. My body is the consistency of tofu. And I really CANNOT breathe by the time I reach the top of the steps to the carpark on the hill.

Supersaver

It is quite sad to realize that I've now too much phone credit and no one to spend on.
Where once I scrimped to fit as many words as I could in 1 SMS, now I can write full sentences without fear.

My credit expired with RM10 left unused. I've topped up another RM10 to realize that I can't possibly even use like half of it in time before it next expires. So lame. Maybe that Activ10 (1 sen per SMS plan) is just too efficient.

My heaveeeeeens. Of all movieeeees. Mom had to buy Indiana Jones. HUHHHHHHHH. I so desperately wanted to watch Ironman. But she thought I was coming home late. Ugh.

And I know it's bad to gossip. But a certain person wears a certain cologne beside me that I really cannot stand. It's not that it's particularly bad smelling but it hurts my nose. It makes me want to sneeze and inside my nasal cavity, it kinda stings.

Hillsong tomorrow! Have to miss Chinese. I haven't figured out directions. But I'm gonna come back with a hoarse throat for sure. =)

Okay. So nails protect our flesh. Which makes it totally incomprehensible, by the way, how short some people cut their nails. Shudder.

Ade's hand.

My foot.

But since man invented nail polish, I believe we should all just colour our nails. It makes the world a merrier place.

Living For Others

Everyone hits a point in their life when they can't figure out their purpose on Earth. Those with faith try not to worry, and put their trust in God that their purpose will be revealed, whether or not they can see it.

I think that the ones who find greatest satisfaction in life are those who people depend on. 'Living for others, instead of yourself', as it was said at last week's service.

We study or work all week, and find ourselves crying out for a break, a holiday, any respite from the tiredness of routine. When we do get a vacation, everything suddenly seems empty. The mind goes overtime, problems that did not exist suddenly overwhelm you. When I do the daily eat & sleep thing, life feels almost not worth living for.

Holding a position of influence, a life that is loved and cherished by people around you, or a profession that impacts others' lives positively truly makes a difference. It probably explains why disaster volunteers, doctors who devote their lives to causes, researchers with poor funding, social workers and all other sorts of people who work for the community keep doing what they do tirelessly. It gives them meaning to carry on everyday. Equally important, having a family and taking care of loved ones validates your existence when you know they love you back and depend on you.

Naturally, everyone gets exhausted after some time. Especially charity doers. But it sure beats racing to the top of the company or gathering the greatest amount of cash in the fastest time, just to arrive at the peak and realize there's only a sense of emptiness waiting for you there.

My gosh. Some people are serious serious busybodies. Never changed a bit.

Yay! My sweet juniors reserved me a ticket to Aristal. So I'm coming down for a weekend vaycay.

I'm excited. But not really either. Yeah.

I am zero good at being a liar. Dad & I made new spectacles (which cost a bomb, like a REAL BOMB) and to redeem a measly rm100+ from BonusLink, Mom has to call to get her PIN. Since she's been away, she made me call, and pretend to be her. For some reason, I was just so scared! They ask you some personal details as verification and Mom insists as her daughter I should know everything but I was so terrified of getting caught out. So now I know, I have a good conscience. But my lying turned out fine. Except when they asked for my (mom's) email.
Bursting at the seams.

We're finding it impossible to condense our presentation into 10 minutes. As it is, nobody is likely to understand us as we speed through the slides. But it's nice to see a complete piece of work.

Still got to get started on the Community Outreach (?) Program. We just had to cari pasal and pick something with research, surveys, interviews, i.e. a long drawn out process. But it's a pretty cool topic - oral piercings.

Starworld is showing Bodydoubles, a beauty pageant for twins. It's like double dosage to see carbon copies of hot women strutting their stuff. Weirdly cool.

Everyone finds Shayne Ward's Breathless sissified. But I think it's so sweet, and I like how it sounds.

The ball will always be in your court.
It's up to you to pick up the racquet and play.
I'm game.

Family

Ever notice how carefully we tread around the feelings of our friends but put no thought into our interactions with our family?

I remember being a mid-teen, yelling a lot at my mother, lying to her and feeling like she'd never understand my situation. Good thing for us, I got over that phase pretty quickly, and reverted to being docile and patient. With Dad it was way worse, he just couldn't stop rubbing everyone of us the wrong way with his horrid temper and thoughtless words. Sometimes nobody even listens to each other, because we're too busy yelling our opinions into each other's faces.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped arguing. I can't remember the last time that I didn't agree with my parents' point of view or sympathized with their situation. It's become this automatic thing for me to put myself in their shoes. I'll feel annoyed at housework but at the thought of mom coming home and having to do it, I suddenly get energized enough to get it done. I'll think about her huffing and puffing cooking our meals.

I notice every time Dad does the nicest gestures like spending time planning my driving route, filling our cars' petrol, housework, facing mom's car the other way so she can leave easily in the morning, etc. That's the best thing about him, he does what needs to be done without complaints (most of the time). Makes me wake up to the fact that a dependable man is way better than a romantic, insipid boy.

Granted, our family's FAR from perfect. That's just the great parts of their personality, I'm not going into the annoying bits. Sometimes their every sentence just gets on my nerve but eventually I'll realize I was being an idiot, because I thought I knew it all.

It's a great thing to notice the good in what people do. I just found it funny that it's so automatic with my parents but not always with other people. I'm guessing that's pretty much the reverse of normal behaviour.

I find myself dismissing people in my life so easily. I don't bother to look deeper. I don't empathize or try to discover their intentions behind their actions. I take people for granted. It feels a little like I'm just playing a part. I hope it's not as bad as to call it faking it, but yeah, I do feel like I'm not always connecting with a person. I'm just putting on a show because I know it's the best thing to do, the way social graces are ingrained in you.

Maybe it's because we don't have the time or energy to connect with everyone in our lives. That's why we hang on so tightly to the rare few we've managed to open up to. Everyone else is just a distraction, a forgettable part of the day, before we go back to the real people in our lives - family, old friends.

Yet human capacity for building new relationships never ceases. I know that even when I've intentionally shut myself from the world, all I have to do is smile and reach out and someone will eventually reach back.

Almost broke my back from sitting at the PC all day. Headache from cleft lip & palate.
What a nice surprise to get free shuttle to my car parked on the hill.
How did I fail to notice my skin? Gosh, it's the worst I've seen in ages.
I prefer to groove to Mariah Carey's version of Always Be My Baby now. Ain't as gloomy. Tho' I'm betting on the Nick Cannon <3 MC thing to end by... this year?

Still no news.
I'm just afraid that if I'm stuck at home, I'll also be stuck as this person.
And nothing will ever change.
It's extremely true about environment affecting who you are.

Nothing to be done. Just avoid mirrors. I'm gonna sleep by 11 pm from now.
Must it be just black or white? Just say it, and I'll gladly take gray.

Star Performer

When I was in kindergarten, everyone had to be in the annual concert, usually dancing. The costumes were really cute (and suprisingly hardy), and every year the teachers managed to come up with some different outfit we could run around on stage with.

Stef & Phyl were in Tadika Disney with me, as well as a bunch of people who ended up going to Taman Bukit Maluri primary school. We weren't really friends then yet but we knew each other. Everytime I watch the videos, it's so much fun to pick out all the people I know.

When I was 3. I don't know why, but I was always the person announcing.

At 4.

My partner, Yeo Kian Howe.

Yeo Kian Howe was always just one of the mischievious kids in high school. Until one day, while chatting, he asked me if I remembered him being my dance partner. It was a complete and utter surprise to find out that THAT BOY was YEO KIAN HOWE! The moment he said it, that baby face just came back to me.

And he claims he gave me my 1st kiss. I need some proof on that one.

At 5. We were doing some sexay top hat dance, with black sheer leggings.
I think that's my kindy best friend.

But I can't remember her name, except her surname, Chew (same as Mom's). =(

When Chew ____ ____ had a fever in class, I was so scared, because I'd never touched someone's forehead that hot before. And I think she was with me when I had my first nosebleed on the swing. That was most horrifying.

I can't believe I remember so many things. Like when it was cold, and I reached school by bus, and the teacher asked me why I was wearing lipstick cos' my lips were so red. And the classroom names: Peter Pan, Donald Duck, etc.

I wonder what's become of the kindergarten.

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So sad. Apparently there's no more Aristal tickets. I'd been looking forward to going back to watch.
I dislike it when a guy asks me out but expects me to plan. AND criticizes me.

Jumpstart

Had dinner at the Curve at Kim Gary's Saturday night. Catching up with all the usual guy stories was so much fun. Especially the two highlights: Golo's Tadau Kaamatan fella and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Took the necessary silly pictures and walked around.







Until we reached Stef's car and realized we'd left the car lights on. Sigh. That was sad. At first her car key wouldn't even turn, so she was frantically calling her parents. We decided to wait it out (Stef, Shang, Shu & I) while Phyl and Pui drove home. Was kinda fun in a way, haha. We were totally anticipating her parents' anger but they were in a surprisingly good mood when they finally arrived. So now we think we should send parents looking for something first when they need to save us from trouble - for them to cool down by the time they actually reach us. They arrived in two other cars (whoa) and a mechanic cousin with plugs to jump start the CRV.

While waiting in the car park in the air conditioned area at almost 11:45 pm, we were thinking about how scary it would be to run out of batt in some ulu land. And with no phone batt, either, which is always happening to me. I was also wondering who I'd call since both my parents aren't around a lot, like tonight. So freaking scary.

Some choices we came up with:
1) Flag down a passing car (but cars don't go to ulu areas at, say, 3 a.m.)
2) Hide in your car till morning

And what if you flag down a Rempit or worse, a fleet of Rems just chance upon you?? Shang imagined, 'Ohhh, besi buruk. Wooo, ada perempuan dalam jugak!' Lol.

Dad was driving home in the wee hours of the morning recently and suddenly this blaze of light appeared from behind him. About 40 Rempits were on the road, racing probably. So he just drove on while they zoomed past him like maniacs. Very very weird but a common sight. He said he wished he had some ball bearings or marbles to fling on the road.

Everyone has some kind of obsession.

It's the thing that's always on the periphery of your mind.
The first thought when you wake up and the last thought before you sleep.
Whether you like it or not, it affects your actions and decisions each day.
It can drive you forward, hold you back or just make you deliriously happy, but it's always there.
It's the immediate thing your mind brings forth when you're free of being busy and focusing on other necessary things.
It can be as innocent as the obsession to get into a particular university, or as evil as an addiction.
Fantasies, baggage, your past, or your future.

Wonder what used to be on my mind once upon a time, during the times I had nothing to think about. Was it just empty space? Boredom? Peace and hope for the future?

Things were just so much easier when I was younger.

Faith

Golo is right. I don't think I'm even trying. I've stopped feeding myself the right messages. Tell yourself something enough and you will believe it. 'All things will pass.' 'God's plans are better than anything I can imagine.' 'What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.'

Faith again on Flickr © .catina jane arts

Even though I can't see it now, there will be a point when I'll look back and be glad things turned out this way. But it feels so much better to know I'm not being stupid and insane.

I finally watched a movie after months. Prince Caspian! Thanks to not having read the books, I found the show pretty riveting and entertaining. Poor Susan and Caspian. Lovers torn apart. When I first saw the trailer, I thought Caspian looked a little sissy. But the hair grew on me, and now I think he's so cute. Hahah. And Aslan makes me feel so comforted and safe (I must sound like Lucy).

Self-declared holiday tomorrow. I'm planning to catch up on totally overdue studies. But the moment I set aside time, I get glued to the television. Sigh.

I think I've addiction transfer. I've decided to rest my nail beds, after the too frequent nail polish applications. My roots are barely showing by a cm, and I'm already wondering what I'll look like with blue-purple highlights. So exciting! Once out of black, no going back!

Today, they prepared disposable dental mirrors, plus gloves, masks and gauze for the clinic session. It's so pathetic that we've not got any dental chairs yet, so we looked into each other's mouths with a torch and just sitting on chairs. So sad. I realized that I didn't really get to do any poking around, cos' I was busy correcting my notes. And nobody looked into my mouth either. =( So I didn't get to be patient NOR real dentist. And it's immensely more effective having guided sessions than self-learning. It takes forever to compare a real mouth and an image, where we still end up identifying the wrong things, whereas having the professor just point out what something is makes it so clear in a second. You'd be surprised how different everyone's mouths are - some structures barely look the same!

Bad cramps. Finally, at least.

The Cutest Kid On Earth! (In My Humble Opinion)

I am feeling much lighter. And we just learned the word 'light' in Mandarin yesterday (yes, how slow, haha). Stef! Pui! Abandon-ers! And so, I shall share more cutesy pictures. (You should just avoid my blog for the next few days if you are not into such things.)

My youngest sister Adelia, used to idolize me. When I told her my favourite colour was pink, she said hers was pink too. When I said it was red, hers was red as well. So I got annoyed, and told her to get her own opinions.

She followed me everywhere, refusing to be without me. I would be kinda mean and abrupt with her, however. She kept wanting to hug me, but I'd tell her, 'Wait until you reach my chest.' When she grew, 'Wait until you reach my neck.' Then it was my chin, and my lip, and my nose, and then I ran out of places to make her reach. So finally, a few years back I let her bear hug me, hahah. Probably with a pillow between us.

The reason was I was not a very touchy-feely person. I found it awkward. But I started to miss her being around. And it was pretty heartwrenching how sad she was when I left for Singapore. I think she cried for days.

So, behold! I think she was our family's pride & joy, the best of the gene pool.

Look at that face.

Her favourite Winnie the Pooh swimsuit.

There she goes. Posing.

Awww.

Awwwww.

In kindy clothes.

Why are kids naturals at taking pictures?

Come to think of it, I think I made her dress up all those times.

She had this life-sized doll with long yellow woollen hair. She was called Annie, and we'd have 'masak-masak' or tea parties, with me serving her and Annie sitting on little chairs. Then, I made her cut Annie's hair into a pageboy cut. She always went along with everything I said.

I don't think the photos do her justice. But she's such a hoarder, she's gone and stashed her albums somewhere. I can't believe what a poser she was back then.

P/S: This is so cool! I had no idea that scanning in the pictures could blow them up to such clarity as you could never get from the actual photo itself! (Click on them to zoom in)

For the sake of responsible blogging, I will only deign to complain that I am being sucked dry. The printers are charging me for notes that won't print (I've lost RM4!) and the parking fees are insanely unreasonable (RM9 a day if I stay till 4pm). I am outraged!

If only I could upgrade to the place I originally wanted to go to. But now that I'm on this road, it's too important, even though it upsets to imagine things differently. It can only be for the best.
Not only have I not forgotten, apparently I've not forgiven either.
Anywho. I've been thinking myself sick lately. Don't really know how to deal with all the white noise and flashbacks. I'm exhausted.

Tell me, how did you do it? Why can't it be the same for me?

Foongs & Phaus

I shall jump a little into the future, when I started becoming 4 eyed.

My cousins and I were inseparable when we met during holidays. We live 400km away from each other. We met (and still meet) several times a year, where we'd do silly fun things and just have a blast.

I remember when we formed the Knights of the Square Table, since there were 4 of us, and again we had a log book (probably the beginnings of my future position as secretary of clubs, etc). Once, we had a BBQ beside the Phaus' condo pool and we jumped into the pool in the middle of the night with our very own glowsticks, which we called our light sabres. And we were all terrified of the water, cos' of Anaconda or the Loch Ness.

So here I am at 5, Aggie, 4, Athalie, 2 (and already as TALL as AGGIE! Oh my my) and JP, 6.

(From L-R) Aggie, Athalie reading her dance script

(and our famous identical PJs), my very 1st pair of glasses, and Jared when he could still boogie!

Aggie had funky hair. I wonder why those glasses were so in back then.

With Mama, Adelia & Sa-ee.

At the Serendah apartment. I had a million of those glasses.

One of our detective moments.

Adelia was just born. From the moment she could walk, we called her the Destroyer. She'd ruin our games and cry a lot. As the youngest child, she was super spoilt! But she was extremely pretty. There's a million photos of her as the most adorable kid on the planet. But that's another post.

Jared & I

My sisters and I spent last night looking through our old photoalbums. I'd forgotten just how funny we looked! We kept laughing at how much we'd changed and now I've ammo to blackmail certain relatives of mine too. Muahaha. So get set for a series of posts down memory lane.

Jared & I were born 3 months apart. Our parents apparently loved putting us into various themed outfits and making us hold hands. Plenty of pictures show that he was clearly forced into some poses.

Pulau Tioman

Jared had this stuffed dog, and I had a stuffed cat.

Mom replaced my stuffed cat when its fur completely fell off because we were inseparable.

That sweater looks so. Hong Kong drama.

I have no idea.

Plastic racquets.

My 1st bikini, and I didn't even know it.

Ermmmm.

And I was as brown as a monkey.

There are a million more, with both of us, Jared forced to put his arm around me. I think we were like their little dolls. Though I did seem quite happy, from the way I was smiling, haha. And yes, I look like a boy. After my golden age (say, til 5 years old), I became hopelessly skinny and suddenly all my photos were hideous. =(

Friend Indeed

Mom left for Los Angeles today, taking a 20+ hour flight. I can't imagine how many movies that would take to relieve the boredom. And if you don't move around, you get Deep Vein Thrombosis. We wrote her a mini shopping list, just random stuff we'd like her to get. I'm dying to get nice leggings (as outdated as that seems). Mom has pretty good taste and size estimation.

At church today, Pastor Vincent Lau (who really rocked!) relayed a story. The gist of it: On his wife's birthday, instead of celebrating his wife, this celebrity guy treated his mother-in-law instead - as thanks and honour to the woman who gave birth to and raised the woman he married. Poor wife. But awesome philosophy! After all, we didn't do anything on the day we were born, our poor mothers did all the work.

People wonder how my friends and I stay so close. I'm talking about the gang. I don't really know the recipe, but some of the ingredients are making time, a lot of laughter, crazy ideas, plenty of teasing, and patience. Right now, they're the people I feel the most excited to see and the people I can walk away from feeling so much lighter. Thank God for good friends.
Sometimes you make it through the week. And you think 'Yeah! A breakthrough!'. But some trigger and it's like a dam bursting.

A World of Friends on Flickr © Pink Sherbert Photography

I think the overwhelming feeling is betrayal.
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To let others know just makes you feel embarrassed and weak.
I write so much because it's the simplest outlet to crystallize my thoughts. And it's turning out to be the best way to get those creative juices flowing as well as use English in a non-scientific manner.
I am always motivated by tags. =)

It's strange how something that was once more than enough now never seems to satisfy.

Is it just me, or does the music you create always sound good only to your own ears?

I'm lazy and not particularly creatively inclined. I can only play the piano because my coordination is pretty good. But do not ask me to perform with emotion or compose something, cos' it'll turn out crap.

So my (dying) hobby is requesting for song sheets on Pianofiles.com and sightreading them, singing along. But never, NEVER, NEVER practising. I therefore have zero songs I can play to you from memory, except maybe the beginning of Fur Elise, and Mary Had A Little Lamb.

To me, I can hear perfectly well what song I'm playing (in relation to the real song) and I imagine I may even be fairly enjoyable to listen to. (Assuming I hit the right notes and keep the right tempo.) But Mom always blows my bubble.

'Why always the same song.'
'I can't even tell what song you're playing.'
'You sure this is Shakira? Cannot be lah. Doesn't sound like it also.'

Thanks Mom. And Happy Mother's Day.

I skipped the dental class dinner. Which makes me feel bad. But it's all the way in Sunway, and I don't want to brave the jam. Plus, only like 10 of the 47 people said they were going (which made me feel guiltier actually) but nahhh. Instead I followed Dad as he went to pick Mom up from KL Central.

Tomorrow will be gym first, then church, and I'm going to make new spectacles! I'm so excited!

And on Sunday, I can fling Stef around again during hiphop. My muscles seriously hurt after Sunday classes. But I don't suppose it's enough to work my flabby thighs.

And Hayley's finally graduated from the blocked off area! Now we just block off muddy parts of the garden and she's free to roam. Macy totally tolerates her now. Macy just ducks and avoids as Hayley nips and licks at her face, jumps and leans on to her back, grabs folds of her neck flesh. The only no-no is grabbing toys which Macy believes are her personal property. Shadow's okay too, as long as Hayley's got something in her mouth and can't bother him.

I have been so careless lately. First I lost my darling Nokia Xpress. (Which pains me still to see Houren using. Okay, not that much.) I switched to Tobias, but I left his charger in Singapore! Grrr. So I had to make do with an old Nokia. But there's only 1 Nokia charger in the house, and Dad took it to Australia! So progressively, I just didn't care about having a phone. Come to think of it, I don't even need a phone anymore. Independence! So yeah, I've got my charger back already, but can't be bothered to upgrade back to Toby.

My hair is being so perfect today! Why can't everyday be a good hair day?

Dream House

Purple Bedroom on Flickr © Groc

My sisters & I got our shared bedroom when I was probably in early primary school. Before, it was an empty storeroom with a BBQ stand. Being young, we chose the most neutral and long lasting colour scheme - baby blue and pale yellow. Sort of copied my aunt's room in Singapore (blue and pink).

Back then, Adelia still slept with my mother, so Aggie & I had our own beds each. Soon Adelia joined the party, and Aggie sacrificed her bed so that Adelia could be 'protected' by Aggie sleeping beside her on the floor. Throughout the years, we did quite a bit of switching around of beds.

I was a jigsaw puzzle fanatic. I framed all my completed puzzles (which Mom bought as rewards for doing well in school - nice jigsaw puzzles were expensive!) and hung them on the walls. If I count now, there're 5 in the bedroom, and more than 15 scattered around the house.

Soon, we got sick of each other. We'd fight and in the midst of our tempers, demand for individual rooms. We'd take turns moving out to the spare bedroom, declaring it as our own. You can imagine the elation when we bought the new house, with 3 floors! We spent countless fun hours designing our bedrooms. I picked purple as my theme, Adelia muted green (very soothing) and Aggie this dark chocolate. Mom was so awesome to get us beds with perfectly matching bedspreads.

In our excitement, we had sleepovers and parties there, relishing the day we could all move in to our own rooms.

The first night in my new bed, I just couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned in discomfort.

Although we're getting more accustomed to the new house, it's still a 'vacation' home, a white elephant. Guess what? The 3 of us are still sleeping in the same bedroom, just like old times. Jigsaws still on the walls, spare mattress still on the floor. Same old same old. My uncle who visited observed, 'No wonder you guys sleep so late. I hear you chatting all night long.'

Ah, good old home sweet home.

P/S: I still love my purple bedroom! It's even got one wall pink, one wall purple, but it's been left undone. Sigh. My unfinished project.

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OMG. This is what people with severe health complications must feel like (or a tiny glimpse of it). Withstanding a persistant pain/irritation. My hands are burning and itching like they're on fire. And I keep getting bumps and rashes on my legs and hands. All I can do is go 'ohhhhmmmm' - pretend it's not there and it'll go away. Since I can't be popping 10 antihistamines a day.

System Breakdown

The house is a huge mess. Besides the regular dust everywhere and how nothing's in it's place, now it smells something like pee and poop and a little of dampness too.

I feel really bad for Hayley, that she's not free to roam but she keeps getting really dirty. I can't afford to keep cleaning her and spending all my time outdoors watching her and calling her away from the dirt.She must be the only puppy that showers daily. And since we're all out in the day, she's stuck in her area till we get home.

Horrible Macy peed on the carpet upstairs. Such a big OLD dog and she had to go misbehave. I was in such a fit of rage that I just dragged the huge carpet into the toilet and tried to wash it off. It became this soaking lump that weighed a tonne. I swear I only managed to carry it due to the super adrenaline charge that came with my anger. I put it in the kitchen to dry overnight but we woke up to find the house stinking. So I put it on the gate as I left this morning, to dry. When I came home, it'd just freshly rained. I gave up, and chucked it on top of the car. Let Dad come home and scream.

I am so dying with all the household chores. Can't wait for Mom & Dad to finally come home.

My first assessment (15% of the finals) wasn't too great. Boo.

And I just came back from the dentist. It's the first time I've gone on my own, and I was so scared I'd get a summons! (Cos' I parked illegally.) I was imagining Dad's wrath and all the scolding I'd get for not waiting for a parking spot. From the window I thought it was a fine they'd put on my windscreen but it was just an ad. Hahaha. Yay! Now my teeth are squeaky clean. =)

Road Pattern

There is a pretty interesting pattern that goes on on the roads, if you notice. Although you'd agree that all stretches of roads (specifically highways) are pretty much the same in structure and size, cars seem to drive much faster at some places and much slower at others. Taking into account that there isn't a jam, and practically the same amount of cars around.

There's this particular stretch on the highway, on my route to Uni, where cars avoid the right (fast) lane, while generally keeping to less than 80km/h. Now this freaks me out, because for the first time, I'm alone on the fast lane and no car is honking at me to speed up. It makes me wonder if it's the mass effect, one driver does something, others follow.

Then again, it can't be. Because right after the toll, it's like the demon unleashed. Engines roar and as cars speed through the tunnel, speedometers creep up to over 100km/h without notice. I believe it's the silence of the tunnel that makes you not realize how fast you're going. I know how fast I'm going because I keep checking my dashboard and keeping up with other drivers around me.

I find this all weird because there's no apparent reason for change in speed. Although, Dad did warn me that some areas are speed trap areas. The fear of summons makes me keep to the speed limit reluctantly. I've discovered that I don't call it driving until I'm fully concentrating, going at a fast enough speed to feel the Myvi tremble a little. If I'm at a relaxed speed where I couldn't possibly hit anything, it means I'm going slower than I like. Haha.

And weirder, my big toe and 2nd toe always get numb, probably from the flexed foot position when stepping on the accelerator.

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When it's mutual, it's called love; otherwise it's just obsession.

It's very strange how emotions can just overwhelm you until you cannot think. It's such a fine line between different feelings. Like when you're blazing angry, if you just stop and blank your mind, you can stop that rage almost instantly. Suddenly you feel almost happy. I call those baseless feelings because one moment it feels like you could die from it, and before you know it, you just feel stupid. Maybe it's just me - a little nuts.

The premotor cortex is a part of the brain which controls learned motor skills of a repetitious or patterned nature, such as playing a musical instrument and typing. Think of this region as a memory bank for skilled motor activities.

Human Anatomy & Physiology, E. N. Marieb & K. Hoehn

This is the part of the brain that turns all those choppy movements you first learn into one seamless dance. It is breathtaking when you think about it. How something that starts off as requiring so much concentration and mental power can become mindless, ingrained in you like an innate part of yourself.

I love that transition. The moment you realize that what you're doing has become as natural to you as breathing.

Jogging in Paris on Flickr © Shabok

Things I Want To Do In This Lifetime

In no particular order:

1) Surf
2) Skinny dip
3) Visit tourist hotspots: Eiffel Tower, Pyramids, Big Ben, etc
4) Bungee Jump
5) Sleep under the stars
6) Climb a mountain
7) Watch a musical every year
8) Watch a Grand Slam live
9) Drive an F1 car
10) Get a tattoo
11) Get a makeover
12) Win a dance competition
13) Stay at the fanciest hotel
14) Go on a safari
15) Swim with dolphins
16) Vacation with friends
17) Go on food trips
18) Dance in the streets
19) Fly a plane
20) Ski

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I just found out why I get so upset when people argue with me. It's because I never quarrel. I don't really know how. Most of the time I thrive on this drifting, blank feeling. So when someone picks a fight or says something negative, my emotions go out of whack.

I can't remember what it's like to be a teen, holding long phone conversations. To be that close or to want to be that close to someone, that you don't want to hang up the phone.

I wish we'd never met.
Then I wouldn't be feeling this way everyday.

Different Dimensions

In another moment Alice was through the glass... on Flickr © Sarajea

It's fascinating how 2 people can be living in the same dimension yet have totally different perspectives. Sometimes those 2 people are completely unaware that their viewpoints are like the North & South Poles. But most times, one person is acutely aware of both ways they each view the world (as different as their paradigms may be) while the other is blissfully clueless.

For example, two people may be living their lives in completely different beliefs and purposes. My friend's a vegetarian, I'm not. I believe in working for what I want, someone else may live life to the fullest daily in instant gratification. Conflict only ensues when the worlds collide, and someone wins while another loses. Otherwise, it doesn't matter if I cannot comprehend your values.

In the case of unrequited love, one person is blissfully leading her own life while the other is dying a slow death everyday. Switch it around a little - when she finds out, she holds knowledge of both sides. The admired one is painfully conscious of how much she does not return his affections as well as how much the admirer likes her. He, however, cannot see past his own mirror of blind hope.

Another example: You may call someone your best friend but they do not feel the same. Unfortunately, you have no idea and so you persist in your lavish attentions, ignorant of how much the person is trying to avoid you.

In the same way, hate and vengeance only hurts the hater. All the effort you put into mustering up that dislike for a person affects you alone. The other party knows nothing and feels nothing. In the end, you're the one who gets eaten up inside.

Once you've gone through an experience, it makes you more open to another's viewpoint. When you actually feel what it's like to be in another's shoes, then only can you imagine yourself in their position. Once you hit that stage, it's a matter of choice. You choose what you believe, or choose to remain in denial.

I know it's only rational to be busy focusing on what you have to do everyday. To excel in what we do.

Still, I kinda miss certain stuff. Stuff that is probably long forgotten and that I could probably forget with the same ease if I tried.

I'm not even into permanency anymore. It's super silly. But it would be nice if I wasn't the only one who missed it. And even nicer if my enthusiasm could be matched. You know, just to know I'm not being stupid. It's not like I care that much. I just feel disillusioned, like everything was a farce after all.

People always take it for granted - the security of having people care about you. So it suddenly feels strange when it's gone.
I think I'll just wait for you to go first. Cos' I don't think I'm able to. I don't know how.