Mediator

Guess I didn't learn my lesson from high school. Being the middle man always has its repercussions. Somebody forgot to warn me that even when you try not to take sides, there's the risk you'll lose a friend.

Somebody also forgot to remind me how hard I find letting go of people I'm trying to get close to, to get to like me. Just like in break ups, losing all the fledgling friendships that were blooming. It's just never going to work now, because those friends were never mine to begin with. And once again, people can't help but take sides in such a situation. And you can't help but feel crushed that they won't take yours.

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Something about A House Is Not A Home in Glee this week reminds me of old American glamour, soulful and heartfelt. I love that kind of music, although I hardly know any. It reminds me of when I was young, when my sisters and I would sleep on the mattress on the floor of our parents' room while oldies would play on the radio.

How I felt my heart would break, even when there was no reason for it. How I used to cry thinking of my mom or dad overseas at the time, and missing them so much. It takes me to another place, like there's a magical other life I could be living with this soundtrack playing in the background.

Card House

King of Spades meets the Queen of Hearts. "Hello there, let's make a Full House."

There's just no time to do anything everyday other than reach home, eat, stare at various screens and sleep late. It's a satisfying mindless cycle. It keeps me calm and controlled.

Until I think about what else I could've been doing. What other people are still doing, but this is what I'm reduced to. I'm phobic of wasting my life away. I keep wanting to do do do, to get my life all purposeful and on track asap. It really bugs me that while I've been living a life of respectful solitude and mourning, Mr King of Fickle Hearts got straight into new action without missing a beat.

Hohum. I do know that I need a lot of time to figure myself out, get in tune with the Big Man again. So until I'm ready, it's going to be a lot more me time. Oh, and TV of course. What's the rush?

Say Cheese

Our gang has this disease. You may know it as camwhoring, but I prefer to call it Love Of The Flash.

Shang was relating the events of Nat's birthday last night. Where everybody was being high class with cigarettes and all looking at their Blackberries. That's what a cool person in this era would do, talk to you with their eyes looking down into a screen. If you can't multitask in this day, you better go home and practise. Try watching TV, eating dinner, studying and painting your nails all at the same time. It's been done, and I don't tell lies.

Meanwhile my dear buddies are self-paparazzi-ing like there's no tomorrow. The best part is, if I were there, I'd be diving right in with them. Can't really remember who caught the disease first and who infected the others but eventually all of us got into the addiction of wanting to be time immortalized. I say, snap as many now before you don't look good on film anymore! At least someday you can show your kids you passed them good genes, highly necessary protection when they complain about their looks and blame you.

Dear Diary, It's Me Again

hope floats on Flickr by life through the lens (simple effulgence)

I still beat myself up over what ifs: What if I had been more secure, less inconsistent and uptight about certain things? Too late for regrets now.

The cerebral portion of me knows I'm just dwelling insensibly on the idea of you. But so much of the mind is a reaction to sensory stimuli. It can get really tough to separate dream from reality, memory from true feelings. Not when I'm trapped in the same scene of the play for eternity. The same environment with the same people where it all began, where nothing has changed except for the one thing. And everybody has accepted the new changes while I'm the only one who feels like something is terribly wrong with what I see all the time.

To be honest, outside of school is perfectly fine. It's just that the two most important components to forgetting a person is missing this time: 1) Never having to see the person again 2) Finding some one new and better. Both due to the same unfortunate reason of being in this course and this class.

I can't wait for 2012 when I can claim my life (and mind) back! :D

I don't intend to write sob stories anymore, unless I really need to. But on behalf of Golo, I'd like to put up this really haunting song, as she would have posted it herself had her blog still been open. It's not what I would have looked for on my own, but it's perfect Golo emo-style and it says what we (not just Golo & I) cannot say out loud.

First of all must go
Your scent upon my pillow
And then I'll say goodbye
to your whispers in my dreams.
And then our lips will part
In my mind and in my heart,
Cos your kiss
Went deeper than my skin.

Piece by piece
is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

First of all must fly,
My dreams of you and I,
There's no point of holding on to those
And then our ties will break,
For your and my own sake,
Just remember,
This is what you chose

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time

I'll shed like skin,
Our memories of lazy days,
And fade away the shadow of your face

Piece by piece
Is how I'll let go of you
Kiss by kiss,
Will leave my mind one at a time
One at a time
One at a time
One at a time

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I feel like they're laughing at me or pitying me. But then I tell myself that I've done nothing wrong, and nobody can make me feel embarrassed or ridiculed unless I let them.

Dream Dream Dream

it's the little things
on Flickr by life through the lens (simple effulgence)

For a clothing line like ASOS or ZARA or Topshop or Miss Selfridge or Mango or even just Mphosis to sponsor my clothing. Let me wear their clothes everyday, everyday a different outfit, and then to be returned to them. I don't care if I can't keep them.

That is my dream.

But then I'd have to be like a Paris Hilton. Boo.

Hoo boy, just dropped 3 inches closer to the ground a few minutes ago, after a day walking on stilts. But I love them ZARA boots and I will get more many inch heels!

I don't know whether or not to do the dance. Kinda want to? But was planning to boycott the event due to. Yeah.

I keep kicking myself for delaying my Chinese speaking improvement plan. Not that there was any concrete one, but I'm hoping to meet really sweet kind tolerant and slow speaking Chinese patients who won't laugh at me for calling out to Kok Yong every few seconds about how to say something. :( Keep procrastinating it.

Miss Jam found out I'm from Malaysia. Now she wants to practise with me my Malay so she refuses to speak to me in English anymore. And she 'tsk tsk tsk'ed me for not knowing Chinese. To punish me, she will give me only Chinese patients. Woe is me.

Watch Your Mouth

Don't get how some people can go overseas for a few months and come back with an accent. Okay, fine, when I came back from Singapore, I couldn't stop using acronyms and shortening every >2 syllable word into one syllable, ending with Z usually. But after awhile, I've managed to keep two distinct conversational styles: the Singapore Slang (Sling, har har) and the Malaysia Mangle.

In Singapore, my tongue works a lot harder, sticking to my palate, touching my teeth, to pronounce my words clearly. My voice is clearer, higher, more demure.

In Malaysia, the tongue gets loose and the words get loud and slurred. Everything sounds like it rhymes with 'Arh', and every conversation sounds like a rough crude yelling match. Especially with family and friends. You've no idea how many people have expressed shock that the person I was on the phone with was a relative. And how many times people have wondered why I'm fighting with my family on Skype or the phone, when we're just worked up and overexcited. Yeap, we don't speak prettily at all.

I've had occasion to bring people back to KL before, but only one person in particular where both lives collided. And I struggled to make myself clear to both parties, while trying to still be myself. It was like the two sides of me warring to come out, and my mind trying to filter my words so they would be understood yet still natural to everyone's ears.

Maybe that's why those overseas people just choose to stick with their new accents. They sound much better anyway.

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I've been using the same header for my blog ever since I started. I know it's time to change, since change is the only constant in life, blah (x3). (See I wrote multiply by three instead of repeating the words.) But every time I want to do something to it, I gaze at it and it looks so pretty again. And it symbolizes everything in life I treasure (other than my family). So, yup, it's staying up.

ASOS | ASOS PETITE Rose Print Bodycon Dress at ASOS
OMG, I could eat this outfit up!
I want this toooooooo.

Retail therapy is like a painkiller.

Selamat Tinggal?

I saw on an FB status that Sabah and Sarawak want to pull out of Malaysia. Then I Google-d it and saw that S&S met up with an Indonesian famous somebody to go into the works of demanding for independence. Because our government apparently exploits them of natural resources, steals their petrol and coconuts or something.

I say Malaysia is a goner without Sabah and Sarawak. Right now we look pretty cool on the map, because Sabah and Sarawak look like the side profile of a dog with an open mouth. That's how I used to remember it when trying to draw the map. Without S&S, we're going to be just a silly tail at the end of Asia.

Without them, I cannot even defend my country anymore for its beautiful tropical nature, and its awesome beaches. Right now, I boast that the beaches in Sabah have sand as fine as powder, water as blue as gems, and they're way better than Australia or some other angmoh beach. And when Amazing Race goes to Malaysia, I'm always so glad they choose to go to East Malaysia so they can go home and tell their friends and families about the beautiful forests and mountains and sceneries. West Malaysia will be just a crumbling landscape-less terrain once our dear friends separate themselves. :(

And Golo's going to have dual citizenship.

And we will no longer have to study about all the million tribes in Sabah & Sarawak. No more traditional costumes, or traditional instruments, or traditional customs. And goodbye toucan, bird of Sarawak.

I'm quite sad, surprisingly.

toucan - Iguazu Falls on Flickr by Seattle Miles

MUST MUST MUST BUY

ECCO
Fell in love with these on first sight. <3<3<3







ZARA
Black platform wedges or heels
3 quarter length harem pants
Cream blazer

(ZARA doesn't let me steal photos)

I REALLY WANT THESE THINGS. ARGH!

I used to try to do the whole cultured thing, listen to classical music and read literature. But it's to feed the impression I have of myself that I'm capable of appreciating such stuff. In reality, it's the mass pop music that really gets me going.

You ever feel like the sound and lyrics of a song just makes your heart sing? I can just feel my heart bobbing up and down on the swells of the music wave.

Hahaha, Glee is funny. The cheer leading on stilts was mind blowing. TV is so fun. How did people survive in the last century?

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Zomg. Penang food has come to Singapore! My aunt tells me there's this new place called Gurney Drive, after the famous road in Penang. And I'm eating Penang Char Kway Teow! Substandard, but I miss it so much! Time for foodie road trip, ladies.

Reliance

I'm too cluttered in the mind to check for grammar, sentence structure, or sense right now.

I have long since been haunted by the reason/excuse that I'm not decisive enough and that I'm too go with the flow. That I depend on others and just cannot make choices on my own. Haunted haunted haunted, like there's a ghost behind me, it makes me question my actions and think twice before going with nature and asking someone for help.

It's definitely upbringing, and probably also inherent. I've seen Mom depend on Dad all the time, with nothing but joy on Dad's part to help her do things. Dad drives us everywhere, does the handyman work, takes care of a lot of things and Mom never bothers to learn certain things she knows Dad will do. And from watching as well as experiencing this luxurious acts of service from my family, I guess I've grown to be the same.

I've learned after the past year that I need to be able to do more things on my own. I just didn't realize I wouldn't be given time to improve on it. Then again, it's impossible to change without getting out of the same pattern and working on yourself first. The only difficulty I have now is the resentful reminder with my every action. Every time I turn to someone to ask a favour, I now ask myself first, can I just do this on my own? And I question myself, over whether I'm taking advantage and being too dependent, or is this a perfectly fine part of my character to keep. The wanting to do things with somebody or rely on someone. And I resent that I may not be able to change this part of myself, resent this quality in a particular someone that sealed the deal.

I sometimes reason to myself that if anyone had asked me for a continuous favour, I'd have certainly been willing to help. But would I? It's just never appealing to find someone completely dependent on you. And there may be no way to see into their motives, that it may stem from wanting to spend time with you. Or maybe it boils down to the person: some people you really wouldn't mind helping, while others just irk you.

I hate pondering issues without an answer. As for me, I can only work on finding some equilibrium, between independence in everything I can do for myself, and relying on others when it's convenient for them and beyond my reach.

Ah, the continual discovery of more and more regrets in retrospect.

Dare to dream on Flickr by **Anna

Words cannot express the enormity of the recent loss. It's just so sad, made even more tragic knowing her circumstances and the type of person she was. I cannot imagine how many times more lonely it must have been for her here, considering how lonely I already feel with so many ties. And I admire her so much for her strong martyr-like character.

I feel a little cowardly for having run away. Though I'm glad I decided to just tough it out and do the right thing. Step by step. Mind control is of the essence. Second to faith.

“Today, see if you can stretch your heart and expand your love so that it touches not only those to whom you can give it easily, but also to those who need it so much.”
on Flickr by life through the lens (simple effulgence)

I can think of one positive. Being emotionally and mentally available to be a good friend to others. Savour variety over exclusivity.

Friendship's the ship that never sinks, right?

Your Hands Sing

296/365: your hands sing on Flickr by Grace Kathleen

To lose myself in the throes of music.
I can't believe today's turn of events. So sad and disturbing once you put a face to the name.

Gotta go cold turkey on the awful imaginations & the glorifying.

I know what it's like. I've been there. Once you find someone new, there's no space in your head or heart for the old. You can hardly even conjure up any memory or thought of the past, as hard as you may try.

A part of me feels stupid and ashamed. The voice which tells me I've no right to get mad, which I suppose is how everyone on the outside sees it. That you found someone who makes you way happier and so I should feel only happiness for you. That I'm the fool who should've woken up earlier from her stupor. The other part just feels cheated and indignant from the undercurrents privy only to me.

Being who I am, I need a black and white world to operate in, where right and wrong is clear. It's so hard to accept that some things only come in one shade - gray.

Hopefully it'll be my turn soon.

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Edit: I wrote this post last week, before I knew knew that it was a fact. A fact I was slowest to see myself. After a horrendous night, from today onwards I vow to no longer be a slave to the both of you, thoughts of you two or your worthless memory. The pinpricks of nostalgia and tormented imaginings will come, but I won't succumb to them anymore. And to avoid turning into a vicious hateful person, everytime I get an attack I will pray to God for His grace so that I may forgive, forget and move on. To not be jealous or envious but to be happy for you. It goes against my very fiber to do the last one, but miracles can happen.

I think it's pretty symbolic that I don't have a fellow emo-er to commiserate with anymore either. IT IS TIME.

I feel really upset. It's fact by now. But I've been living in yesteryear, without realizing it. Not worth it, not worth it, not worth it.

Whatcha Doin', Phineas?

The title is of absolutely no relation to the post. It's just this Disney show advert that I love to mimic. Haha. PHINEAS. I'm so glad my name is what it is. Is anyone ever like me? Do you gaze at your name, on like Facebook, and marvel at its beauty?

I'm really happy to be coming home everyday, instead of staying in hall. I still coop myself up in the computer room but I feel so enveloped with warmth listening to my family bicker in the living room. And then I think of home home (home home is my new nickname for my KL home. Woe befall me if Mom hears me call Singapore home), and I feel like I've so many places of joy. Thanks, Daniel for playing such a big role in making my day!

I still feel kinda empty, when I remember the missing chunk in my life that could have been occupying my thoughts. But then I think about my plans for Wednesday or Thursday or Saturday or Sunday, and I kick myself for being so full of self pity.

KICK!

Speaking of which, KICK ASS is super duper funny, but I shut my eyes at the gore. It's just so crunching-ly bloody, especially the first half.

I'd like to find someone who can appreciate my randomness. This quality only emerges when I'm really sleepy, really dreamy and very very comfortable with or very very into someone. It's not everybody who gets to experience it. I'd hate to waste it on someone who scoffs at it. You've got to love this part of me to be someone special to me. So there. Snubs.

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Sometimes, I feel flooded with bliss and contentment. My first reaction is to pick up the phone and SMS. Then I remember. Today wasn't too great. Not sure how long I'll be able to withstand the onslaught.

Gal Pals

remind youself to spend some good time with me
on Flickr by Glasha Mandarinkina

A convo got me to thinking about something. Having girlfriends, like a solid true blue girl clique, is like having a boyfriend. The same way you commit to a relationship with a guy is the same way you need to commit to a clique. My clique has been together since childhood so it's stayed intact through all the boyfriends that have come and gone. But start school with getting a boyfriend instead of investing in a good girl clique, and the chance is usually gone by the time you realize you need gal pals.

Guys are generally friendlier, more interested and less demanding in friendships. You can not talk to a guy for many months and he'll still say hi like it was only yesterday you spoke with each other. Whereas with a girl clique, sure, they're nice to you, but you know that you're never going to be part of their inner circle. It's almost impossible to penetrate such a social armour.

Please bear in mind that these are my own sweeping statements, and not at all the general world social scene.

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I've been trying to pinpoint the difference in feel between my house in KL and here in Singapore. A few years ago, I found out - my family here in Singapore only watches Chinese serials! On a Monday night back home home, I'd be nursing my Monday blues with the Monday Blues Sitcoms on Starworld. And laughing out loud to myself. GROAN.

Glamour Dogs

My jaw dropped when Insanely Pampered Hollywood Dogs aired on E! the other night. Valentino's 5 pugs get their teeth brushed and bodies perfumed by an attendant every morning. Apparently, dogs can also get braces for crooked incisors, and some dogs prefer pink rubber bands over the tooth coloured ones. And dogs can get eye lifts and skin tightening. The former was for a Shar-pei whose eye lashes inverted to poke its eyeballs and the latter for a bulldog with such deep skin folds on its neck that there was a chronic infection. At least those are semi reasonable.

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Have you ever met anyone so quirky?

Prettaye

Home Park School on Flickr by liebemarlene

Who says you can't match black & brown? Imma get me some of those awesome black half tights!

I'm Hearing, Not Listening

can't stop myself on Flickr by Fidgetblogs

Hate to admit it, but Mom was right. She said once (which has resounded in my ears countless times since) that people only listen to advice they want to hear. Like out of an entire speech, they'll pick out the parts which tell them to do what they want to do in the first place. And just like wishful thinking, people cling on to maybe one sentence out of a whole conversation. That one sentence will be intentionally (mis)interpreted into something that gives them hope and there they hold on to for dear life. Forever even, until there's an intervention or they get a jolt to the system.

They say grief can take up to 4 years to get over. I'm guessing the better half is spent in denial.

I can't bear to get rid of some stuff. I bin it anyway knowing that on the other side, the mementos have probably been discarded without a thought. I know these things mean something to me that they no longer mean to you.

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Funneh. It makes you start to wonder if you're the the abnormal one in pants.

OK. 2010 Fitness Plan: Abs, Butt, Thighs, Biceps, Triceps. ABTBT

Defying Gravity

Ever since I saw a performance of Defying Gravity on the one and only Tony Awards I've watched on TV, I completely fell in love with it. And I would love to catch Wicked on Broadway someday. The Glee version below is more succinct in content, but it's here only because the Wicked version has way too much lyrics.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

This is one of the main reasons I like Glee. Because I love musicals and good covers. Musicals are always so much more meaningful and emotional than normal songs.

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Took the words right out of my mouth. Or did you read my mind? Haha.

I desperately need to exercise.

Happiness is .....being able to wear heels again :-)
on Flickr by zoehd

Clothes are like embellishment to the soul. Says me.

The purest and most thoughtful minds are those which love color the most.
on Flickr by life through the lens (simple effulgence)

I've never been the sort of person to hold the attention of a crowd. At best, my specialty's in single or double liners. It's only when I've known those people all my life, established a certain reputation as a comedienne or do not feel at all intimidated by them that I am known to speak easily and at length about silly things. Makes me feel good when they laugh (attention seeker!).

Otherwise, I've always mildly envied those charismatic people who seem to make friends with every left and right turn they make. From the time I entered a social environment, I've been dubbed snobby, cold, aloof, arrogant and the list goes on. With conscious effort, I've had the complete reverse commented about me on several occasions, but if I'm not careful I just give out the 'stay away' vibe. It's not that I don't enjoy being with people, but I've just developed a 'be approached instead of approach' attitude in life.

Anyway, I envy those people indeed. Envy and cannot understand, especially when it's my partner. Especially when that same attention to people is no longer shone like a stage light on to me, but on to continuously new and different people. Jealousy? Clinginess? Don't know.

Some people may not be powerfully charismatic, but simply auntie-uncle killers, a highly useful skill nonetheless. Can name quite a few off the top of my head. Would be nice if I had a killer effect on some level of the population. Unfortunately, the only person I've been able to charm thus far is that Malay taxi driver who told me I looked like a pretty Olive Oyl. Hohum.

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I told QZ that 'I'm not the sort of person who can go into a room and make friends like BANG BANG BANG'. He replied,'The word you're looking for here is guns ablazing. But BANG BANG BANG is good too'. Lol.

Artistic Licence

I thought we were a pair. Us against the world, that sorta thing.

Naive me, so optimistic that proximity would bring things in our favour. That there was no way you could stay distant when I was a living memory before your eyes daily. That with a breather, you'd see me like you once did. Oh, foolish heart of mine! On the one hand, the only way this is forgivable is if this turned out to be your one true love. Truthfully, that would also be the most painful ending to this story.

Jump on Flickr by Ain Lim

Not to be a snob, but I've finally stumbled upon a whole network of people that I was sure didn't exist where I went to school. People that make me go, 'Now that's more like it!' Upbringing and media exposure - props to you indeed. I'm just a spy right now, like Peter Pan's shadow envying his antics.

I'm okay, really, when I'm out of that time capsule. With plenty of time to ponder everyday now, I've an increasing need to purge my thoughts, when I can no longer do it verbally. I sometimes feel we were doomed from the get go. You came along and pulled me out of a darkness. You ambushed me so completely with thoughtfulness and romantic perfection that there was nothing else for me to do but fall for it. You boosted my confidence and made me feel beautiful when I really needed it, in a magical way I do not expect anyone else to again. And that's where the whole dynamic was set, because that was the pattern from then on, at least as I saw it. I never got back my independence, and you never could keep up with the infatuation. When all the expectations began building up like Jenga blocks, it was just a matter of time before they all fell down. (Woooweee, my analogies can start to rival Prof Yeo's.)

I'm okay, really, I'm okay.

The next stage in moving on is realizing that after all the time that has elapsed, no matter what happens, it's impossible for anything to ever work out again.

The next step is to stop talking, stop wanting to know and stop trying to find out anything anymore. Still figuring that one out.

It's so tiring going through everything again and again, constantly picking at what I did wrong. And knowing that I let my insecurities get the best of me again, which caused a butterfly effect and the ultimate ruination of things. But at least I can rest assured in the knowledge that I wasn't the one who stopped trying. You can't go lower than literally begging and promising to change everything, start afresh at any level and redo everything from the beginning, problem-free, just to give it another chance. No matter what, I didn't stop trying.

It's only day 3 and it's already in my face. I can breathe as long as I block off that corner of my mind. I have to be bigger than this!

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There's a beetle on my window blinds. Am just gonna sit here and watch it while I wait for my uncle to pick me up. Then he can remove it. :D

Heaven's Window on Flickr by pinoyphotog

Looking for patients is such a chore. Even my grandma doesn't want to help me graduate! She's like the ideal retiree with very few teeth but she complains it's too far to travel to NUS. Which I acknowledge is true, but c'mon!

The new lab arrangement has its pros and cons. Mostly pros for now, for I have people beside me to talk to plus I no longer have to crane my neck to try to catch up with others by checking on their pace. I have a wall to lean on and am close to the clinics and the toilet. And I've a new MRT clique to hang out with. Guess things aren't going to be as stagnant as I feared - fingers crossed! Hopefully my greatest worries - feeling alone and finding nothing else as satisfying - will never materialize :)

All these are mere gripes compared to something that happened recently. An ex classmate I knew briefly passed away after being in a coma for a week. He suffered a jet ski accident. I can still picture his transformation into buffness in the 3 months I knew him, after he joined canoeing. It's harder to admit that some of my apathy comes from not keeping in touch. Which in itself is scary to realize. Stark reminder not to keep counting the bad things that happen to you. Not easy to stay in perspective, though!

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Quite silly how excited I get when new episodes of TV series turn up on my streaming feed.

If I Had A Twitter Account (1)

theale Just need to get through 2 months of this and I can finally breathe easy when I wake up. OPTIMISM. It'd help if I could get 2 huge boards, and some sound proof earplugs. Mantra: Think positive, behave graciously and always be the better/bigger person.

theale Flaky nail polish is majorly annoying! I keep trimming down my nails to keep up with the chipped edges, only to have them flake more. Soon, I'll be cutting into the nail bed.



theale One week of leaving my room fan at speed 5 and my windows open amounted to lots of lizard poop everywhere and a sneezing fit.



theale Please don't let there be another worm/bug in my hall dinner. :(

I always tell my Dad, if you send me to the airport, you get to spend more time with me before I leave! And he always laughs. But it's true - car rides are great bonding opportunities.

Which brings me to another thought I had in the car (also a great place for reflections). I realized that all it takes is one great conversation to break the ice between two people, and you suddenly become sure and confident in your standing with them, in your approach to them.

I say this because some relationships, like the ones between me and my family members and close friends, do not survive on constant input and nurture, but on one-off great moments of bonding. And yet things never get awkward or forced. It's always so strange how relationships that have low expectations and less intimacy sometimes end up being the ones that last the longest.

Little Critters

A little tribute to these old buggers, who've been around since I was of single digit age. We used to have 3 tiny cookie sized ones in a plastic container with faux coconut tree and bridge. As they grew, one became a famous ninja who could climb fences and mysteriously disappear into neighbours' houses or 1 meter high water containers. No kidding.

Then, one of the terrapins once laid eggs and we were so excited. We kept digging up the dirt to check if they'd hatched, until finally we realized they were never going to turn into baby terrapins. A sad day indeed.

Somewhere down the line, Dad unwittingly caused the death of one of them. One even ran away, to be mysteriously replaced by a new one sometime later. By new one, I mean a different smaller terrapin that suddenly appeared on our porch one day. And now, here we are today with these 2 beauts who have free rein (crawl) of the backyard. It's a debate whether releasing them into the lake will be better or leaving them to do whatever they want in this fun playground.

The larger less green one. Nameless, I'm afraid.

Miss (we assume) Greener One. Who's got a tendency to follow one's feet around and walk on them. Haven't gotten bitten yet.

Oh, the dreams and nightmares. They're tiring me out, brought on by impending doom. Sometimes I feel so useless, being stuck in a moment, knowing that others are living by a ticking clock. I hate readying myself to be shocked; but you just can't prepare for reality no matter how hard you try.

On the flipside of the melodrama, I've been gorging myself on every single existing TV series on earth, minus some. Latest tidbit: 10 Things I Hate About You. No, don't watch it. I wouldn't want you to mistake this as a recommendation, what with overexposure to TV lowering my standard of entertainment. TV is the failproof uplifter to my spirits. :)

Sticky Web

Spider web dew drops on Flickr by !.Keesssss.!

The whole social network is like a spiderweb. If you cut one strand, a core strand, the other strands that are clinging on to it get severed as well. And that whole chunk of your life, all those fledgling relationships die together.

It hurts thinking that they regret the loss and miss you too. It hurts even more to realize that they don't miss you at all.

Kiddy Wunderland

Finishing up some of Aggie's film with the old click and whirl camera. The old playground used to be made of wood, before this plastic generation came about. It's pretty amazing how I've lived here all my life. We've an old cassette tape documenting our lives as kids, and it shows how the trees used to be short shrubs and the houses identical. Now the trees get regular branch trimmings and some fancy renovations have turned the terrace houses into individual mini mansions.

I miss being a kid. I miss the times when my world was confined within a 2 km radius. But we all gotta grow up. No place for excessive nostalgia in the big people's world.

I look puffy.

Coloured toes on artificial grass.

Slippery slide.

Like a goldfish, armless.

They didn't supply enough vowels to make a proper word. So Zip Moe Stu's the best we could do!

I know I've said this a thousand times, but it gets tiring to keep finding new ways to say the same thing. Yet, to stop saying the same thing would be like denying yourself the need to purge certain feelings. Many people would advise to just forget and not think about it, but to a certain extent, picking through the skeletons again and again reduces the intensity of the pain somewhat, and going through it with people in the same boat is like attending a support group. You are not alone, this is normal, and you will all get through it together.

Which is why I'm thankful to come across other people who can articulate the way I feel much better than I can myself. For a person who needs to express herself by writing and speaking to get their thoughts into order, it can be a relief to stumble upon a ready-made elucidation like this. It's nothing someone who's not in the same situation would find exceptional. But for the heartbroken, it's nice to know you're in good company.

I know I'd heal pretty nicely if I were to never see certain people again. But God and my actions have put me in this position of difficulty, and I must see it through with His strength and grace. I'm afraid but I've just got to remind myself to suck it up and be a grown up.

Evocation 2010: Electric Dreams © Nathaniel Tan

A glimpse of my mini role in the past Evocation. Once I finish serving this term, I'll be free to dance more! And free of responsibilities. Which will be bittersweet, for with restrictions there is a yearning to be free, but with complete freedom there is an aimlessness.

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There's been a series of pest incidences at home.

First, I was awoken by Mom after which she screamed that there was a cockroach crawling on my bed. So I reached out my hand groggily and said, 'Get me out!' I stumbled sleepily out of the room and left the killing to more awake people.

Next, Dad caught a rat in a cage. He spent the next few days wondering whether to let it go in some jungle or to kill it. The general consensus from the rest of us was to just end its life, but Dad kept saying,'I've killed too many rats, I don't want to be a murderer anymore.' (FYI, this is his humorous tone, though it can be hard to tell).

He was still deciding when we came home one afternoon and I discovered the rat lying prone in the hot sun. Dad's indecision murdered it after all. Just like he killed the terrapin once by leaving it in a tub in the hot sun, without water.

Poor Dad, all that blood on his hands. Guess I was just your stepping stone to someone 'hotter and prettier'. Congrats, you got what you always wanted.

The (Not So) Long Ride Home

Tonight was one of those rare special events that reminded me there's so much more to life. The kind that makes me feel the way I did when I read fiction as a kid and dreamed of traveling, meeting people and having exciting encounters when I grew up. Where it feels like there's so much to see, so much to do and no mundane routine to hold you down. Impactful enough in my too dull for too long life that I'm actually double posting again.

I sat beside a young woman on the plane home. Despite charging out of Arrivals at KLIA LCCT and getting straight onto the Skybus, this same person ended up on the bus beside me, to both our surprises. Then we had a really nice conversation about our careers and seeing Europe and just random topics for the 1 hour plus bus ride to KL Central. It was really cool to find out she's a doctor at KK Hospital. It felt pretty surreal, talking for so long in the dark bus, with the night scenery of KL flashing by. I think the darkness made it seem like we were shrouded in anonymity, so there were less inhibitions.

It's one of those small unexpected but delightful moments, to meet and connect with someone completely new. A pleasant out of the norm incident, that I'd once imagined doing all the time, a childhood desire I'd forgotten all about. Like dreaming of meeting a handsome stranger in a foreign land. It could happen, right?

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Coming home to F.R.I.E.N.D.S is really like coming home to friends. It takes being away from home and being lonely away from home to really make you appreciate home.

I've decided not to renew my hall stay. This translates to earlier alarms, larger eye bags, lower levels of concentration and more stress.

But I may finally be able to solve some mysteries at home. Like why the supply of Ice Mountain in the store room never depletes. Or why I always seem to be running out of underwear and losing track of my clothes. Can somebody build me a walk in closet? Tell me how it isn't cruel and insensitive to watch your courtship replay itself in front of your eyes, except this time, it's not you anymore but someone else you were always wary of.

The world of dance is quite enlightening. I don't know where else I'd meet all these different people, people I would hardly bump into in the staid world I live in. And it's quite funny how I'd never have been as open to the different folks if I quit dance each time I said I would. Well, it's concert time and this time I'm ending with motivation to continue dancing again. Pretty pleased.

I like how no group of friends is the same. Yet it's like lots of little mismatching jigsaw pieces coming together.

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Need to halt the jiggle in my legs, STAT. Everyday will be fitness day starting. Friday.