Reliance

I'm too cluttered in the mind to check for grammar, sentence structure, or sense right now.

I have long since been haunted by the reason/excuse that I'm not decisive enough and that I'm too go with the flow. That I depend on others and just cannot make choices on my own. Haunted haunted haunted, like there's a ghost behind me, it makes me question my actions and think twice before going with nature and asking someone for help.

It's definitely upbringing, and probably also inherent. I've seen Mom depend on Dad all the time, with nothing but joy on Dad's part to help her do things. Dad drives us everywhere, does the handyman work, takes care of a lot of things and Mom never bothers to learn certain things she knows Dad will do. And from watching as well as experiencing this luxurious acts of service from my family, I guess I've grown to be the same.

I've learned after the past year that I need to be able to do more things on my own. I just didn't realize I wouldn't be given time to improve on it. Then again, it's impossible to change without getting out of the same pattern and working on yourself first. The only difficulty I have now is the resentful reminder with my every action. Every time I turn to someone to ask a favour, I now ask myself first, can I just do this on my own? And I question myself, over whether I'm taking advantage and being too dependent, or is this a perfectly fine part of my character to keep. The wanting to do things with somebody or rely on someone. And I resent that I may not be able to change this part of myself, resent this quality in a particular someone that sealed the deal.

I sometimes reason to myself that if anyone had asked me for a continuous favour, I'd have certainly been willing to help. But would I? It's just never appealing to find someone completely dependent on you. And there may be no way to see into their motives, that it may stem from wanting to spend time with you. Or maybe it boils down to the person: some people you really wouldn't mind helping, while others just irk you.

I hate pondering issues without an answer. As for me, I can only work on finding some equilibrium, between independence in everything I can do for myself, and relying on others when it's convenient for them and beyond my reach.

Ah, the continual discovery of more and more regrets in retrospect.