Today was a horrible day to mark my final day behind the wheel (for now).

So this is what happens when you trust the GPS more than your own brains. You end up driving around the whole bloody Singapore.

So I was 40 minutes late for BSF. And then I forgot to switch off my headlights (I miss the Myvi warning beep). And then I drove everywhere but home.

Sorry for the road rage and profanities.

Can't remember the last time I went out! Everyday's been school, leaving school early for some destination and going home to emails and more emails. I have so much in my head and not enough compartments that the hard drive's combusting. So it's inevitable I miss one or two things along the way, but such a shock to get yelled at for it.

I suspect I've been genetically and environmentally programmed to take life easy, to go with the flow and let things happen as they do. So having more than 1 responsibility (and I refer to serious responsibilities with serious consequences) and trying to be on top of things just doesn't come naturally. I'm working so hard at it but I feel so worn out. There's a million post-it notes everywhere and no sequential treatment plan (to be a dental nerd).

ANYWHO.

Yes, where was I. I want to dress up, go out and do something worthwhile of all that effort! I hate going through all the grooming prep only to have a flatline night.

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The Kardashians are such bimbotic brats. But such loving sisters.

Everyday, I walk or jog past the Thomson Grove guard house and when I pass by, I wave to the guard on duty. Usually it's one of the 2 Indian guys who're on duty at night.

I concocted this story in my head long ago that they're gossiping about me. This is because, every night someone sends me home. Well for a year I had a steady ride, then after that I still had steady rides but from lots of different cars. Lots of times cabs, and most recently, I drive myself out. So every time I wave, I imagine that they're marveling at how spoilt/fortunate I am. And I imagine that their smiles are amused smiles.

Yup, I like to imagine things. A whole lot.

It's been a long time coming, but I feel. Normal.

Been feeling normal for awhile now, like the storm in my head has cleared a little. No doubt due to extreme multitasking but I feel a lot more purpose driven, like there's no time to sit down and mope around.

Had a little aerobic workout with the cousins and sisters in front of the TV last night. Think this is the first time we're all reunited since, I can't really remember when. And the last time we'll all be reunited for awhile. Oh wait, there's still Perth in September!

I've always measured progress or stagnancy against time. I compare how much time has passed with where I am and get stressed over being slow or taking too long. Think I'm going to stop doing that now.

I am going to be living proof that people can change. Maybe not in all areas of my life, but in pretty drastic aspects of my personality, all the same.

The first decade of my life was dedicated to perfectionism. I was so organized it hurt, because I couldn't sleep for running through my mental checklist again and again. And again. And again. OCD.

The second decade of my life was dedicated to erasing that perfectionism. Thus began my inglorious slide into going with the flow, taking a chill pill, relack-jacking and complete loss of order and control of my life. Free from anxiety, free from getting testy and snapping at people (e.g. for not being able to finish studying), I just accepted everything and let no success or failure affect me.

This is the 3rd decade and I want to swing the pendulum back. Not all the way to the start, but somewhere in the middle. Operation 'Get My Life Into Order' is taking off, slowly but surely. Just got to find the right motivations for doing it.

The Goals of An Idealistic Dreamer

Week 1
(officially Week 2 of school, which already makes me one week late)

• Get my life together - academia, clinics, bible study, Dance Ensemble
• Make a new girl friend (Not with my own hands)
• Stop saying 'Harh?' with mouth wide open. Instead say, 'Sorry?', 'What was that?' or 'Huh?' (at the bare minimum)
• Finish all the doodles I've thought up in my head but have not translated to paper or Adobe Photoshop.

Puddle Hopping

Puddle Hopping Originally uploaded by Swathi Sridharan

1 week down, 8 weeks to go! Bittersweet feelings at how time is rolling along as I watch as though from a distance.

A large part of being content with life is viewing things from the bigger perspective. This entails being thankful for what you have and not what you don't, determining which things are worth fighting for and which are not worth holding on to (or thinking about), letting go of pride but keeping your dignity, being kind even when being mean is the easiest route, and most of all always doing the right thing, listening to your conscience even when nobody is looking.

The irony is that to have your inner self filled up, you can't be self fulfilling or selfish. Instead, when you're selfless and quit thinking about meeting your own needs, that's when you let go of all that stress, anxiety and feelings of being hurt, wronged or victimized by circumstances in life. The less you think about yourself, the less there is to be unhappy about.

I think I'm doing a decent job at staying positive lately. And all strength comes from a greater source, never me.

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Got me a Tumblr. If I had the time to draw, I'd draw an Octopus multitasking every gadget and medium I own that connects me to people or the Internet. Because I'm so inspired by Paul Prognosticator the Octopus. And those connectors would be Blogger, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Nokia E72 and Lancelot my laptop. Forgot I gave him a name. He's looking quite worn out lately.

Facebook for photos and stalking.
Blogger for the freedom of speech and long emotional stories.
Twitter for spontaneity.
Tumblr for visual imagery of my thoughts.
E72 & Lancelot for company when there's nobody but me around.

I am pretty exhausted with being busy lately, from playing hard during hols to working hard during school. And from trying really hard socially as well, in efforts to have options, take control and not be passive anymore in life. I guess I really did learn a lot from that year, regardless of how I didn't want things to end. As a result, I am waiting for the day I fall sick. Falling sick is my measure of the breaking point. Then I drop everything because my body can't take it anymore.

Time to rest.

Aiyiyi. The perils of procrastination! When an emergency lands on your doorstep, everything goes downhill.

It's a mighty fine line between living in regret and trying to remember the mistakes you don't want to repeat. But I regret a lot of things.

One of them is not being confident enough in who I am. Letting my true self and personality take a backseat to the image I wanted to live up to, the company I was intimidated by, shrinking into the needy pathetic attention seeker I became. Struggling to do the right things and be the right type of person that fit into the lifestyle I perceived, I ended up boring, lacking opinions, unintelligent, timid and lifeless.

Once again, I can see so many things I did that screwed things up.

From now on, no matter what, I won't compromise. Take me as I am or leave me be.

It's funny what some some accidental actions trigger.

Brought my Oral Patho book to the doctor's (after a long walk and confusingly asking for directions) to check out my eye. Went in, said hi and put my book down to get the eye checked. First thing he said to me was, 'Microabrasion'. That set off my alarms.

Then after my eyes got gouged out by the cotton buds (had to be done, no discredit to him) he told me he'd swept my FORNYXES and found nothing. As I asked him more on what to look out for and what's the worst that could happen, words like 'inflamed' and 'conjunctivitis' started popping out without any explanation. Clearly he expected me to understand every word of his anatomical and pathological lingo. Which I did, fortunately.

What if I were just holding someone else's Oral Patho book?

Hairscapades

Since I hate my new coconut bob hairdo, I decided to turn it burgundy with pink tips. Pink tips as an afterthought. (Ref Aggie's new hairdo, up and coming)

Masking tape on me glasses for protection. Which has ripped off the FCUK logo. :(

Cool gloves imprinted onto the instruction manual of Revlon ColorSilk.

A big goopy mess.

Gotsta thank Aggie for her generous help with dying. I'm sorry I'm not as helpful as you are, since I grumbled and complained when I had to help you but you were so willing to do it for me.

We shall see what colour it becomes tomorrow. Though I suspect now it's just black.

High school meet up with some people I haven't seen since I left school. Or maybe my memory stretches further than the truth.

Ming back from the US, Justin back from the UK. Jeff back from a long nap.

Aggie's experimenting with her hair again. I'd totally jump on the band wagon if it weren't for school.

End of Break

Keep forgetting that I've got to be vigilant with my safety over here. It's far too easy to be trusting, and I keep leaving gates unlocked, doors unlatched. It's only when I recall the countless robberies and thefts that I realize how easily someone could run across the backyard and break into our house. While I'm comatose on the couch during my afternoon nap. Although I'll probably make a good security guard, since I'm up the whole night nowadays.

Can't believe the bane of my existence will be back to torture me next week. That today is Thursday, that in 2 days I'll be voluntarily stepping on to the plane to go back there. But big slap on the cheek for being a pessimist. Okay, rant over.

I've had the best time this holiday with D' Gang. I'm really really going to miss the closeness we've achieved over the past few months. It makes you really ponder how much time it takes to become good friends with a person. I look back over the past 8-15 years of my life, from the time I met my first best friend to the time we've accumulated the 8 of us. And I see how much time, tolerance, and patience has been invested and how many events have occurred to get us to where we are. It's only by sticking it out, by not expecting too much, by just being there, that little surprises have emerged along the way. Where unexpected incidents take place years down the road to bring you closer together. Wouldn't that bond have been wasted if we'd decided from the get go that we were never meant to be best friends anyway?

Which is why sometimes I still cannot believe it was thrown away like that. Like a part of me insists it could've been magic.