Turning 24 in a few days!

Last night, I had my fake birthday celebration with the high school friends. The food at Opus was great, though dinner was punctuated with random cries of '24, Ale, 24! So old!'. I threatened to kill anybody who sang '24th' during the birthday song. Once upon a time, we might have all headed out after dinner for drinks or dancing, but as befitting the approach of the mid twenties, we ended at 10pm. A bunch of us went to Coffee Bean, not even to drink coffee, but to have hot chocolate and peach tea because we worried we wouldn't be able to sleep.

I hesitate to state that life is stable, since we all know that change is the only constant in life. I think many people strive and work hard in life towards this vague goal of achieving happiness and a level of financial, social or marital stability in life. My beliefs have taught me that there's no such thing, so I dare not claim this stage in my life as a milestone of finally having achieved security. But I will say that I've matured in some ways. It probably crept up on me. I still feel and react the same way to most things as I did, say 6 years ago? But it's the little things that make the difference, a little less anxiety, a little less insecurity, a little less worry.

If I did make birthday wishes, they would probably be along the lines of getting more serious about God, getting more comfortable in my own skin, loving more, bitching less, and just learning to let things go when there's no purpose holding on to them.

May 2012 be another level up in the game of life.

I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
Holy!
Hallelujah
Father, You're near!

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries Glory
Hallelujah
Father You're here!

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in You, Lord

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge

A morning dose of an Ellen video is a great way to start the day. Either that or Sara Bareilles, who's stuck in my head after last night at Song Box. Starting to appreciate the Groupon thing.

After singing so much last night, my voice is stuck in the high register. It actually hurts to sing in low pitch, and it even hurts to talk. I had to speak in falsetto to give my vocal cords a break.

Very excited because my new spectacles arrived super early. :) Which I suspect is another ruse on the marketing part, undersell and overdeliver, hmph.

Had a lovely time with my besties last night at Coffee Bean. We've decided to go big celebrating my turning 24 soon. We're going to up the birthday scale every year as our income should also increase (fingers crossed).

So for 24 it will be a huge Tai Tai Day, in preparation for our wealthy lives in the future. Everybody should optimistically project what they want to receive, right?

For 25, maybe a full spa day. 26, maybe a break to recover from our monetary losses for a year. 27, run a marathon or climb a mountain. And for the big 3-0, LAS VEGAS!

Getting older will never get old when you've awesome friends.

Everything terrifies me.
Everything - new, that invites judgment and scrutiny, pressure and responsibility, with potential for humiliation - terrifies me.

badebro i uroligt vejr, a photo by søren hansen on Flickr.

It just struck me that this might be a lifelong battle. I'm already freaking out about why I don't feel any side effects with the eye drops this time. Debating if I should put in an extra drop or just wait and see. Every time I see the Dr for a follow up is going to be an ordeal all over again.

If I didn't have God I don't know what I would do.

The Things We Take For Granted

Sometimes I think about which is worse, losing your hearing or your sight, and sight usually trumps hearing. Ask anyone and they can all probably imagine how horrible it would be not to be able to see anything again. Even I used to think I was already pretty sympathetic to the plight of the blind. But no one really knows knows until they've experienced it.

No, I haven't lost my sight, unless you count severe myopia. But my recent scare with glaucoma has made me appreciate what I still have. All I did today was a simple pupil dilatation to run some eye tests. Everything became incredibly bright and as hard as I tried, I could not focus my eyes on anything close to me. I took out my phone to text but found that I could only make out the words based on their vague shapes. For once in my life, I was happy about the size 28 font I cannot change on my Nokia.

It was a 2 hour wait to see the ophthalmologist so halfway through, I thought, 'Oh right, I can catch up on my reading!' before I remembered it was impossible to read. And when the receptionist called my name to fill up more documents, I walked up with my pen ready only to realize I couldn't even see the form clearly. After that I went to the washroom. I was going to check my reflection in the mirror as always when to my dismay, I was unable to make out my own face sharply.

Even with the glaucoma, on a scale of 1-10 of medical tragedies, it's maybe a 2? Yet you suddenly realize how much you stand to lose and just how much you already have. Being able to see this screen is already such a blessing. Every day is something to be thankful for and another experience to learn from.

My final personal struggle is not being able to wear contact lenses or do Lasik surgery ever. It is the vainest and most superficial worry of all but I've been wearing lenses for almost 10 years. I've no idea how to look good in glasses. Somehow or other, I will suck it up and make it work.

Don't know how a mere 2 weeks managed to entrench itself so deeply in my heart. Good thing I'm seasoned at goodbyes.

79/365 Into the void - Explored, a photo by Sunshine-D on Flickr.

If anyone was paying attention, I only tend to blog during the holidays. Main reasons: I have more free time, there is actually something out of routine to say, I have nobody else to talk to since I'm always home alone.

I've Googled a list of movies released in 2011 and I'm going to finally watch all the shows I didn't have the time to.

Right now I'm watching Something Borrowed which is starting off with the theme of being 30 and still single. Even as a teenager, I grew up reading so much fiction that I thought I knew all the ways life could turn out. I got myself jaded before I even started out in life. It's bittersweet to know that when it's your turn to experience something, it still feels like you're the first person it has ever happened to. The first success, first failure, first date, first love, first heartbreak, the onset of loneliness, the search for purpose. Which just makes it all the more comforting to know that all around the world, people are also going through the same thing. Enough for so many movies to be made about the same old subjects again and again and again.

My biggest fear in letting go has always been a lack of trust/faith. Every time I end something with someone, there is an inherent fear that I will not find someone better, that I will not find someone to make me forget the previous person. When I hear about God's plans being higher than my own, a part of me childishly imagines that God will send me someone unexpected, that I won't like, or will have absolutely no attraction to and I'll end up longing for someone else. Which is incredibly stupid. So many of my fears are incredibly stupid, but they are real, and I've always been glad I'm able to be honest with myself. Otherwise I may have never gotten down to addressing all my issues.

I'm terribly grateful for God's constant protection, even when I wasn't aware I needed it. And so grateful for my incredibly blessed life, surrounded by so many wonderful people.

The Dog Walker Chronicles

I think I've discovered the secret to making dog walking fun for the whole family.

Before we start, I must explain that dog walking is regarded as a major chore by everyone at home. This is because of all three dogs, only one is pleasant to walk: Shadow the Cocker Spaniel. Walking blind and osteoporotic Macy means walking one foot step every minute and trying to keep Macy from falling into holes. Malaysia is full of holes: drainholes, potholes, A-holes. Technically, you can walk Hayley and Shadow together because they run at about the same speed but it also means a Roger/Pongo and Anita/Perdy moment, wrapped up like twine.

I'm therefore the only person who feels obliged to walk them. Maybe because I'm not back as often and most likely because I have a guilt complex. And a heart (hohoho).

So first, I start with getting everybody excited. I pump them up by yelling at them really close, like in their faces, 'We can DO THIS! We can WALK THESE DOGS!' while hopping around them in circles with little boxer moves. Then I turn it into a game, playing scissors paper stone or something, with forfeits like 'Loser has to walk Macy!' This works quite well because my family is very competitive. And because they love games. If this still fails to draw any participants, I make bargains like offering to do chores they hate (Mom hates throwing the trash) or helping with paperwork (Dad hates typing).

The high of the success doesn't last very long. The night usually ends with Hayley flopping into a pile of water (sometimes urine) in exhaustion, completely ignoring my cries of 'You are such a disgusting dog! You are sooo disgusting!' And then I get a nice rash all over.

But it is very worth it. Because I love my dogs. And because I sometimes feel the disapproving glare of Cesar Millan.

I accidentally let Hayley out last night and decided to turn it into a walk despite the stitch in my toe. Today she spent hours barking and jumping up on the window panes.

I think I've created a monster. A pretty monster. With golden fur. :)

I'm writing this down as a reminder to myself.
Whatever the outcome, this incident is a timely wake up call.
I don't really care what ignites the flame so long as it keeps burning for the right reason.
I am reminding myself to do it for myself and not for anybody else.
Most importantly, to have no fear because God makes all things perfect in His time.
I'm not losing anything in the long run, I'm gaining everything.

So Thank You, Lord.

the pain of saying goodbye, a photo by brookeshaden on Flickr.

There are times I wish I could go back to never having known pain.

Today I am glad for it because it taught me to feel.