Just checked my stash of doctor's receipts (I keep them so Mom can make claims) and realize I fall sick 3-4 times a year.

Which is no surprise that I contracted H1N1 and am now stuck at home in a mask. Probably my super low immunity contributed as I've been surviving on very few hours of sleep. The last straw was the night duty where I slept on cardboard at school, and woke up every 2 hours to change my stiff position.

Feeling crummy and worried about rag cos' I'm not around to teach. I hope I'm well enough to teach with enthusiasm next Monday.

Oh, the first taste of bittersweet goodbye. Just had 3D2N of camp at Sentosa, and certain repressed emotions aside, it was exciting to be a senior leading a group of juniors. What with lots of eccentric characters in the orientation group, it was never-ending amusement. For a group without much athletic ability (haha) they surprisingly tossed up water balloons with incredible skill. And the skit was really the most hilarious thing on earth, especially Hong Kai's dancing blond troll. I'll also never forget how Ben Yap kept retching at the vinegar/raw chicken combo. After the first 2 days, I totally took the backseat as an OGL, it was just toooo tiring.

Best (and worst) night hands-down was Club Vondresen. 14 people packed into the tiny hut, playing Taboo. Ben Lim's guesses: What do people do during CNY? Calligraphy. What happens at the end after dating, for a man and a woman? Orgasm. (Correct answer: Matrimony) What is this? Orange. (Before any further description). I laughed so loud and so frequently it hurt my abs. After that, the clubbing began, with dim lights, flickering bulbs and yellow lightsticks!

But it was also the lowest point I've had in a long time. For the life of me, I cannot understand drinking to lose yourself or forget your troubles. I don't know if I'm being a hypocrite, but when I see a person chugging down and just going out of control, I feel so disgusted. Which was exactly what I felt when I opened that door. I've never reacted that angrily before, at least not in the longest time. I rapped that door SO hard, I almost broke my knuckles.

Now I'm trying not to overreact, but I am beginning to associate a repulsive person with the drinking. And that makes it hard to remember the person I like. And it makes me worry about how I can continue to condone it when it happens again. Which it is bound to.

2nd year and dental school has lost its appeal for me. OK, I'm exaggerating but getting up and going to school daily feels like facing a den of lions. The only thing exciting on the horizon is the year 1 orientation, and even that is tinged with stress for all the committees. It's hard to tell if the juniors will be able to catch the atmosphere of pride and ambition the seniors are trying to uphold. And teaching dance is so not easy.

The whole continuation of the heritage thing is the favourite topic on everyone's lips. Who should get priority, whose toes shouldn't be stepped on, which person is most easy to click with; all to be decided in such a short time.

Of course, the best part is not just making new friends, but rediscovering old ones.

And camp is this Friday, which is crazy fast! I don't want to stay with strangers, though.

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I feel so ashamed of my poor attitude towards life. I find myself behaving exactly like the people who blame the world for all things that go wrong. And I sulk and pout (secretly) waiting for things to right themselves. Perspective is a tough lens to put on.

When I read a book, I don't like to share. I get so drawn into the world that I want to keep it all to myself, where the characters feel real and alive. Talking about it to someone else turns everything back into just a book. Some people just may not feel the magic you do, and their lack of rapture spoils your imagination.

On the flip side, when someone else gets the book the same way you do, it becomes double the enchantment. Once in awhile, fiction is so much better than reality.

Feel It

Feelings on Flickr © jeanne c

It is extremely rare to find someone who gets exactly the way you're feeling.

For ages, I've been trying to explain how I feel about living in Singapore and also having a home in Malaysia. I've told many people about the unfamiliarity yet comforting familiarity I feel when I go back to either of my homes. (Don't let my mother hear me say I'm going back home to Singapore, though.)

In the beginning, it felt like so much had changed and I couldn't click with anyone. After awhile, going back to Malaysia felt like I'd never left, yet my sisters looked different, my parents looked older, my dogs older/bigger, buildings sprouted out of nowhere and so many TV shows I missed. My sisters can hardly remember whether I was there for something or not. 'Oh, do you know that time Daddy...?', and I'll remind them, 'I was THERE la.' or 'Remember when so and so...?', to which I reply, 'I wasn't there la.'

Sometimes I feel so glad to be going home. (Many incidents of which I can remember clearly why I wanted to escape.) Most times, I feel really reluctant to go (for the most obvious reasons as well), and take out my annoyance on poor Mummy, as always. And when I go back to Singapore, sometimes it's with excitement, but most times lately with a tinge of homesickness, feeling awfully bad for ever making Mom feel like I didn't want to come home to M'sia. It feels quite sad imagining them sad at my departure, and occasionally even sadder knowing that I spend a lot of my time in S'pore alone.

Lucky me that I've a friend who relates to me completely, to her utter surprise and to my final relief. You'll get used to it like I have, I tell her.

It's great when someone understands precisely how you feel. I just love the sensation when my description clicks completely with another person's experience. Probably why I keep going off at the mouth to everyone I know, waiting for that magic moment. Doesn't come often enough.

The word feel suddenly looks funny to me. Like French or something.

Change on the outside often times brings change on the inside.

With everybody gone to church camp, and me left alone to fend for myself, I've finally found the inspiration to get to work at the stove. A little too salty at spots, and everything just minimally seasoned but it's totally edible! What an achievement, friends, for the girl who usually makes others cook for her.

The fact that I am going to eat some cup noodles later does not mean anything.

Alone in a Crowd

Alone in a Crowd on Flickr © vnduan

I am truly a pushover. I know it, you know it, and that's why I end up with all the baggage. It's not too killer most days, mostly it involves dance. Case in point, Prof's stepping down ceremony which we performed for (copied wholesale off SYTYCD) and not too shabby a job for a few days' practice, I must say.

Mingling with crowds is a real chore for me. I can't summon up a single topic of conversation when I'm in a formal setting, much less a formal setting with people who have Dr. in front of their names. For the life of me, I can't think to save myself from the awkward silence so thick it could hamper your breathing. Which is why, I simply count my blessings that I have a support group who can do it for me.

It's quite interesting to observe how elite a profession can be. How once you join a group, they become your lifelong crowd.How tiresome it is to my brain, having to remember all the must-know names and faces, in order to respect/not offend anyone. But on the flip side, there's always people you can look for when you're friendless.

Special sem is 3/5 way through. Then I can't wait for orientation! In a half dreading, half excited way. Our first line lunch session was huge blast too, as bitching sessions always are. Things like these make me look forward to waking up and going to school. Indeedy.