Forgive me for sounding harsh, but sometimes I wonder how people reconcile wanting to be in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex with being Godly. Granted, God probably destines all of us to be married and experience love in marriage but relationships are probably one of the most selfish needs of humans. Liking someone and wanting to have a boyfriend or girlfriend to me is mostly trying to find the wonderful feeling of being in love, the rush of having someone like you, the comfort of having someone there for you and the heady feelings that come with dating. And I find that it is all about oneself, because how often do you get together with someone because you want to take care of them forever, come what may, ugly, fat or ill?

Just musing. I'm 100% guilty of it myself. I guess we're all just made with this need to be loved, like a hole in our hearts to be filled.

Lie To Yourself

"Society exists only as a mental concept, in the real world there are only individuals."
on Flickr by Look At That Photography

There comes a time in everyone's lives where they have to learn to embrace who they are.

In the 60s it was flower power, the 80s spandex, the 90s embraced leather and lotsa skin. Now we're coming full circle with the retro look recycling. If you thought being a geek was something to be embarrassed about, just browse the geek trends and up your geek factor. Fact is, trends are trends, one day you're in and the next day you're out. Hate to quote Heidi Klum.

It's the same concept I adopt in awkward situations. I always say, you have to lie to yourself first before you can lie to another. It's not as immoral as it sounds. I find it an easy confidence boost when you can make up a story in your head to convince yourself of something. Say you ended up wearing something way too fancy to a casual affair. Instead of feeling lousy about it, tell yourself you're all dressed up because you're going somewhere awesome after that. Once you believe in your own alibi, you're good to go.

With this great method in practice, I've managed to breeze (or at least scrape through) many an awful occasion with my pride intact. Remember, it always starts with how view yourself. Nobody can make you feel bad about who you are (or what you wear) unless you allow them to.

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall
In love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give
My heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

-----
This song is pure magic.

This whole psycho-ing myself into becoming an adult may actually work.

Lately I've been realizing that I'm still pretty childish. I'm in my early 20s but I still behave like the world owes me free time, that I'm entitled to a problem-free life. So I complain about having to do work, to study, to go for BSF, to go for dance, to settle dance admin responsibilities, to handle crises, patients, exhaustion, hunger, headaches...

Being an adult, however, would mean that all these things are part and parcel of life. I look at my parents, rushing to work and back for lunch just to feed us (when we were kids and the maid had left), rushing home to cook dinner and send us to classes. I've started to feel ashamed for constantly behaving like I'm doing everybody a huge favour.

So I've decided it's good practice for the future, juggling so many things. And I'm never going to complain again about the things I have to do. Shall instead strive to perform all my duties as best as I can.

How motivational.

It's late and I'm chilling to Esperanza Spalding's Precious and Fall In. Never heard of her until she won the Grammy and usually it's the kind of sad jazz songs that make me feel emotional and nostalgic. I imagine being a world-weary traveler in a hotel lounge, desperate to come home to my family. Or being a traveler because I have no family.

A tendency to melancholy.

When You Gotta Study

I'm writing this because I'm supposed to be studying.

The same way I'm eating Fresh Banana ice cream from Island Creamery because I'm supposed to be studying. And before that, the 20 pieces of sushi rolls, the 3 salmon sandwiches, and the Fruit Tree juice.

Also decided that now's the best time to catch up on TV shows online, so I watched 3 episodes of 90210 back to back.

Now, what can I eat next?

Time For Rabbits To Shine

Was just musing over 2010 and I realized that moving out of hall (amongst other things) has actually gotten me a lot more friends. Which I am actually incredibly grateful for. I wasn't even aware of how much isolation and silence I was living in everyday, just going back to my little prison cell right after school, getting my dinner and plonking myself in front of the laptop. I was so prone to emotional breakdowns and desperate of any kind of entertainment. Life really sucked.

Another thing I'm glad I've stuck with is dance. I've wanted to quit so many times because I just didn't have the motivation to put in the time that's needed to improve technically and to build strong friendships. But it turns out that over time, even with minimal effort, you can still accumulate the same amount of ties and feelings of ownership, at least an amount that's sufficient to make you want to stay. I feel quite settled into my level of abilities, comfortable with my bonds with the other members. It's now another part of my identity that makes me feel complete as an individual.

Most of all, it would be terrible to never dance again. So I'm glad for the freedom to dance, even if just for little spurts here and there.

-----

Pre-steamboat during reunion dinner.

I've had a good CNY this year. Partly because I didn't have to travel, but mostly because everyone's here reunited again as a family. And the 4 of us are coincidentally in pink this year. :)

Running out of spaces for photo posing.