To Remember Or Not

I wish I did more things in life that I could write diary entries on. When I was a kid, I wrote pages and pages on vacations and the new places I saw. Sometimes, I still have this urge to record journal-style the holiday locations I visit because all those fun memories are bound to be forgotten quickly. You only appreciate what might have been forgotten when you look back on those entries and think, 'I totally forgot this happened!' It's all in the details.

Nowadays, Facebook photo albums have served the purpose of an archive for me. It's not the same though, sometimes it captures the activity but not the mood or the exact situation. The next time I go somewhere, I will be more diligent with a photo and written journal. I just hate starting because once I get into it, I really get into it. I start writing every minute detail and I cannot stop. And the vacation gets ruined because I sit there all night recording the events of the day.

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I never really understood how people would go into a depression kind of funk on anniversaries of lost ones. I used to think, shouldn't everyday feel the same? If you're sad then everyday should be sad. If you're fine then why would the anniversary matter?

Now I get it. I don't get the logic of it but I get it because it happens to me too. Every other day you're totally fine. But you're only fine because you've chosen to not look back on it, not because you're really okay with it. In the death of a relationship, which I also consider as losing a loved one, each anniversary brings back the pain of the memory.

It seems irrational to fear a particular date. But the anniversary signifies the event. And for me, the anniversary signifies the relationship. And when the anniversary of whichever event comes along, it reminds me of repressed things. It brings back old hurts. It brings on new hurts when I realize I'm the only one affected by the anniversary. As I said, irrational.