$$$

Tonight, I went to Brewerkz where I spent $36 on a burger and an orange juice. Then I went to Timbre and had a $16 Pina Colada. After that I took a cab home from Clarke Quay for $18. So that's a total of $70 for a night. That would be an average night, if I don't count the tens of dollars of unclaimed I.O.U.s.

In just the first week of school, I've gone out 3 times. So I realized it's time to start keeping track of my expenses, the way I used to when I was in primary school. Back then, I jotted down the price of every single item I bought in the school canteen in my Maybank Savers booklet and however much of my pocket money I saved, Mom would double it to put into our piggy banks. Back then 'a lot of money' looked like 1 ringgit or 1 ringgit 50 sen.

In order to lead the comfortable life I want, every month I would have to spend an average of:

$50 x 30 days on meals: $1500
Car expenses: $700
Phone bill: $150
$200 x 4 days on clothes shopping: $800
Miscellaneous: $1000

Total: $4150

That would just be bare minimum expenditure to lead a 'comfortable' life. If I want to be relatively free of monetary concerns, just spending as I please, I'm going to need to earn way way more. This is without even considering vacations, luxury items, a house and accident/medical fees yet.

This is such a sobering realization. Like a splash of cold water. :/

My biggest downfall is my pride. Sometimes, I'd rather continue suffering in misery to prove my point than to concede that I may have overreacted. This causes quite a bit of emotional and mental conflict in life.

I hate it when I have double standards. For example, I feel really uncomfortable bitching about somebody doing something, when I know I do it too. Right now, I feel terribly disgusted at myself for having made a big deal about something happening to me that I actually find alright to do. Something that I can see how easy it is to do myself.

You can see how this is a huge internal struggle. Because it means I have to forgive. It means I have no right to hold on to my self-righteous anger and bitterness. The other option is to remain 'right' and stubbornly abstain from doing the same thing I experienced.

Or is it likely that I'm justified either way, and I should just leave it at that. Let the past be the past. Blah blah blah.

I think multitasking is an amazing asset.

My favourite multitask combination is brushing teeth while watching shows. If you know how not to drool and dribble, you can watch anything anywhere, like the TV in the living room or the computer in the study room.

Except today when I wanted to spit but realized that uh-oh, there was no toilet available. Found the kitchen sink just in time. :D

Lonely Cypress on Flickr by .: Philipp Klinger :.

When I listen to Hillsong's Adonai, I feel like everything will be okay, that God's all that matters. I start to imagine the world fading away, and all I have to face everyday is this big empty field of grass, or a world far away from all my history. And it's okay, like I know it'll be okay, there will be somewhere with peace for me.

Jaydon is constantly getting obsessed with one thing after another. His latest obsession is Airport Mania, some iPhone game that I have no interest in learning more about. Before this, it was Angry Birds, and before that it was MRT stations. That's only what I can remember off hand.

For my birthday this year, Jaydon asked me if I would be choosing a helper to blow my candles on the cake. I told him yes, and that it would be a competition. My helper would be the person who could last until cake-cutting without mentioning anything to do with Airport Mania or any other iPhone game.

It was extremely entertaining watching everyone try to trick him into slipping up. He covered his eyes and ears because it was just too much for him. He got very agitated and annoyed at everyone's efforts to disturb him. Finally, he just stopped talking altogether, just in case any random question was a trick.

Of course, I chose him as the winner, for being the best at resisting temptation and for trying the hardest. Those were my encouraging words before he blew off the candles on my cake as I was just pursing my lips.

Ballerina
Originally uploaded by Kees Smans

I told myself that there's nothing to expect. Even if it happened, it would mean nothing. Yet, here I am still waiting. Because I still want to matter. Because it's sometimes still crazy that I'm now a nobody, not even a friend. I know that deep down it's for the best, that this is the easiest way forward. And a part of me is relieved because the decision has been made for me. All the more reason not to care anymore, because I'm done caring. Done trying.

New Toes To Usher In The New Year