I be flying off to Penang in a bit. Leaving the airport in half an hour.

Self control is so difficult. It's so easy to forget that I'm not a kid anymore. I always remember Mom's advice/story about her employee who would get upset and emotional and defend herself by saying, 'But I'm only human, I have emotions.' And Mom told her, 'Yes, but being mature means controlling those emotions.' And I always imagine being an employee spoken to like a child by my boss. So I try to be the adult my age says I am.

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It seems to be mutually exclusive for me - attraction and good communication/friendship. I'm never attracted to people I find myself very comfortable or able to click very well with. Like, what's up with that, man.

Singing really helps to ward off negative thoughts. Kinda wore myself out singing on Sunday though, down with the runnies and hacking. But that was some awesome singing session, love it best when it's just a few people so everyone gets to hog the microphone. When you go out with friends like mine, it becomes about singing prowess and choosing songs you can do, not just random tonelessness. Haha.

Catching YOG closing tomorrow, don't know why I agreed. There's about 10 million things to do in 10 days. Nothing on my checklist has been checked off although I made it ages ago. And I'm probably going to Penang. So once again, goodbye to studying. And I wonder why I keep doing these things to myself.

Was feeling glum again today. Because I realize how left behind I am. And I got scared again that I may never leave this place. I really wish I were normal, sometimes. Just like everybody else, close the door and don't look back. But this is me.

This term has been a bit of a reverse gear for me. When it started, I was just so relieved at some things not being present to bother me anymore that I kept wanting to maintain an outside life. Till now I've stayed back a total of 5 days in lab? And I've continued going to school and going home already in the holiday mentality. Just kept counting down the weeks like it was going to be THE END.

Sadly, it's never the end. Whatever you postpone to next term will just be there, er, next term. Like now, I can't even tear myself away to properly study because studying has become Martian to me.

Anywho, tickets to Perth confirmed! I've already got my outfits picked out, one for each day. Teehee. It's a little scary though, this never ending cycle in life. This mindless work, forgotten holiday followed by mindless work where you look forward to a soon to be forgotten holiday. Till you remember that you never know when it could end.

The Road Home

The long lonely road.

So. This is the 150 - 200m walkway from Yio Chu Kang MRT to the bus stop. It's really long and straight, like a 100m sprint track.

There are several scenarios that can happen when you embark on this road.

The safest but most ridiculous would be to start running immediately when you hit the walkway, because that optimizes your chances of catching whatever bus you're catching. Unless of course you see a bus coming along when you start the sprint, because there's just no way you can make it. Unless you can do 150 m in 10 secs.

Second option would be to brisk walk and the moment you see it's YOUR bus coming along, hit the accelerator and make a dash for it. Somewhat like the amber traffic light, it only works if you're metaphorically 2 arrows away from the traffic light. Any further and you might as well slow down, because once again, there's just no way you can catch that bus. But this is very subjective, depending on your athletic ability and your judgment call on the speed of the bus and number of people boarding that can delay the bus.

Option 3 is to just surrender yourself to fate and walk at your regular pace. So what if 265 is coming along as you step on the walkway? You don't make a fool of yourself attempting a futile sprint. So what if you're halfway there and the bus turns the corner? You don't risk running and panting just to skid to a stop as the bus drives away. Just accept that you'll have to wait the maximum waiting time, and be happy if your timing coincides with the bus. That's my style. Never run, it's UNGLAM.

And so I reach home at 9.30 - 10.00pm every night. Because I never run.

History that's un-revisited is just a collection of old memories. Which is why I like to go down memory lane, to remind myself of the past so that things don't get forgotten or distorted. This is obviously good and bad because some things should be just buried and swept under the rug.

But there are other times when I start getting all fuzzy headed. I'm a person who needs to have the picture painted clearly, the words spoken plainly, a spade called a spade (even if I've to talk to myself) for my direction in life to not waver. And if I have to keep writing the same things again and again, just to get it out of my system again, I will.

So whenever I am washed with the old feelings, I just scribble it out and throw it out. Writing is catharsis.

WHY have I let myself go like this... :(

I don't know where are and where to locate online 3/4 of my notes. And I don't even own Torabinejad which sucks huge ass when the test is solely from there. Wa piangz eh.

Piang. Piang. Piang. Stupiak.

The Handyman Can

I like talking about things and analyzing them over and over again, in particular feelings. Which is why ineffective communication frustrates me. And when people just don't catch my drift, or my thoughts don't resonate with them, I feel quite lost as to how to reach them. It sucks when there's so much you want to express but try as you might, the person just can't put themselves into your shoes. And that's when I realized, there's only so much you can do because ultimately, you can't control how someone else feels or thinks.

So you were right, it does feel calming to tell myself I'm being the better person.

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The other day, I used some eye/lip make up remover to clean some sticky stuff off my Bible's plastic cover. In other words, I was going by the Orange Solvent principle, using organic solvent to clear (tray) adhesive. Boy did I feel like Macgyver when the glue just rolled right off onto my cotton wool.

Need to think further outside the box, stretch my handyman abilities. Cos' it feels gooood.

Bookworm

Being part of a community is so nice. How did those crazy people like Descartes manage to go hide in a corner and think about thinking about thinking? So what if you think and therefore you are. Back then, without the Internet and mobile phone, there was not much you could do once you reached that premise.

All the same, I feel like going to Borders or Kino and looking up some high brow but easy to consume Philo stuff. I know I'm the sort of person with very poor sponge power, I hardly retain anything I read (unless it comes to random Reader's Digest facts like 'putting Aspirin on a zit makes the swelling go down') but I like the feeling of just finishing a book and feeling ten times smarter as a consequence.

And right now the only unread novel in my shelf is Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True. I think it's at least 5 years old. I've decided it's probably not my type although the plastic wrapper's still on. 1) Because I hated She's Come Undone. 2) It's an Oprah Book Club recommendation. Ee.

So I look forward to a book shop trip.

And I look forward to figuring out how to wear my new purchases. One being too transparent, the other being un-sit-down-able.

Week 6 coming to a close! :) Life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it, all night long. (Yes, that is a Rascal Flatts lyric, and I could go on singing if it weren't time for bed.)

I think I'm doomed for solitude.

Just don't see any consistency or emotional stability in me to maintain a calm non-needy relationship.

And I apologize to the different groups of people in my life, for the times when I just couldn't be bothered to invest in some friendships and for the other extremes when I couldn't stop obsessing about other relationships.

A life of solitude is easier, when you choose the mask you want to show the world. It's easier for people to stay in like with you. Because they don't get to see you long enough to be driven away by your madness.

And I can really be the Mad Hatter.

:D

Been forever since I wrote words down.

Kay. What's been up? This week, I thought it was week 6 and even tried to convince Daniel that it was. Was so elated at hols coming around the corner. But nope, not soon enough.

Nothing much has been up lately. Nothing in the way of romance, excitement, ambition, failure or anything significant. But every week is a huge blur, I can't believe I'm letting life just pass me by like that. Is there supposed to be something more meaningful happening right now? Mostly, I just want to go to sleep.

Feel like I'm biding my time. Forgive the angst, but I get it. Hate being reminded of it (maybe I need to be), but sometimes I just don't want to deal with it. I'd rather just wait and hope it goes away. Let the tide rise and fall on its own. And soon, soon, I shall not be looking out to sea at all.

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If Christ is with me, whom shall I fear?