Doubt & Fear

. on Flickr by slaapdronken

It is just so damn hard to put my faith in God and things unseen/yet to come when I only know how to put my faith in things I can see. Like successful endeavors, material possessions and above all, successful/loving/emotionally fulfilling relationships.

It's really difficult to keep looking forward, telling yourself your time will come when the only things you are sure of are the things you already have. Sometimes it's all I can do to endure wanting what I can't have. It's like trying to make yourself believe that there will be something better, when you secretly feel sure there's nothing better. And on top of that, you get to be tortured everyday with being reminded of what you lost, as well as watch the progress of things.

It's like it actually feels worse the more time has passed. It emphasizes my continual downward curve against your continual upward curve. And the more I'm supposed to accept things, the more I struggle to. I refuse to acknowledge how this is your destiny, because it makes me the stupid one who can't move on.

I hate how I keep making this the most important thing in my life. But it's as though I've opened Pandora's Box and I can never go back to not knowing what it's like.

I am just waiting for the day when I can look back at all this and feel nothing but humour at my silly obsession. To be in such a better place that I will have absolutely no emotional reaction to the past at all.