Finally let myself get emotional over something today. Teared a little watching/listening to A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope. Don't know why the versions I found sound slower, though.

I feel like a need a good cry. Like it'll settle all my nerves and send all my confused feelings into one clear direction.

Quite terrified indeed for when this protective environment vanishes in a week and a half. I don't ever wanna go back to that place.

Let's Go Fly a Kite!

My pupils feel permanently constricted from blinding myself intentionally, steering Penguin Kite from getting entangled with the other kite lines.

Slightly tanner, exhausted feet and dehydrated body. But all worth it for a mindless carefree day.

It's good to be alive! :)

Lone ranger in the air.

Me with pre-picnic mess.
I can see my pink nails when I zoom in!

Sharing the love. Check out the grins.

Prettiest view at Marina Barrage.

Reminiscent of the final scene of How To Train Your Dragon.

Where did all that progress go? It's like I tripped on the way up the mountain and I've tumbled all the way down to the starting point again.

Just the thought of coming back and being around that situation again caused an onslaught of memories, thoughts and emotions. Once again it's keeping me awake all night. Like a torrent of painful imaginations and bad repressed feelings, culminating in horribly horribly real nightmares.

I'm scared it's me, that it'll always be me. But I'm comforted by examples around me. (Of when you may be fighting so bad but you're never afraid of losing the person, because you know you're worth fighting for. That they'll never give up on wanting to work things out.)

Night of Adventure

Title reminds me Night at the Museum. Well, we spent it hopping from one location to another, mostly. The best part being that everyone was in a great mood and up for everything, although nothing was getting any better.

Dying to try Rootz, we were getting ready at my house at 10pm, worried we'd be late and not have any space to move when we got there. Delays and uncertainties led to us finally leaving at 11pm to go for a pre-party meal (when the trend is refilling after you're done exerting yourself). Finally everyone got picked up and we headed to town.

To our dismay, it wasn't Ladies' Night nor was there any crowd there. And the music was a failed 80s comeback. After flushing RM50 down the drain (per pax), we gave up on finding any beat to the rhythm and left with our bottle.

I hearts Poladroid!

Sped (safely, ahem) to Heritage Row for a free entry place with nice music and went into Loft. The crowd was beyond dodgy and the ventilation must've gone bust, otherwise they'd decided to double as a sauna. And again we gave up, this time with some economic loss to the valet. We were so excitable that we practically shouted at the valet guy to let us pay RM10 instead of RM15 and we succeeded. (Small joy considering how much they earn a night).

Except that people at the side get chopped off. Sorry, Nat :(

Ended up doing what we do best. Supper, boy problems and loud conversations to be overheard from miles away.

Survived 2 roadblocks, too, with the classic hide one person under the seats tactic. (Is this safe to post? Haha)

And survived one freaky story from Stef, where I almost drove the car straight into the divider thanks to Pui Yee's loving touch on my arm. We would've died anyway from the screaming in the car, above humanly acceptable decibels.

Talking to people always reveals new things about myself to myself. (Hah!)

Like, quote of the month 'You are you' which comes in handy in so many situations, surprisingly.

And that I'm a minimally sufficient person. I've not made the effort to learn anything that I do not need to know. I survive on the basics, and pick up one or two extras when the need comes, and more importantly when I cannot brush away that need. Otherwise, I outsource.

It's somewhat like my eating 2 half boiled eggs and some bread everyday at home just because I can't be bothered to leave the house to get lunch.

No, this isn't a habit to condone.

Status: Work in progress.

splish splash on Flickr by shes_jack

Of all the senses, smell has the strongest association to memory.

Today I smelt water coming out of a rubber hose. Not too sure which material the scent came from.

It reminded me precisely of hot days as a child, sitting naked in an inflatable pool in the garden. That's how I used to spend my time, and how I used to take baths (replacing the pool with a wash tub).

Some memories just can't be erased, no matter how hard you try. They pop up at the most unwanted and unexpected moments.

A pool like this would be freaking awesome, now.

Girlfriends are the greatest cure for (heart)pain.

Between planning Eurotrips and cracking up at lame jokes, a lightness just lifts you up.

Somewhat like The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Beautiful philosophy that perfectly describes many of my emotions and thoughts. Sometimes I feel so tired of thinking so much, then along comes a book that eloquently articulates how I feel, and I don't feel like such an anomaly anymore.

Thank you indeed for Milan Kundera.

Untitled on Flicker by 3nOna

Today was an activity packed day, which is a complete 180 from the past month or so. Replaced my schedule with fun stuff, like 3D movie, picnic and cell (not what I would've classified as fun once, but hey, I'm getting there).

It's not exactly a picnic when it's raining such that you've to hide in a shelter. Or when the wind is so weak you've to run 100m races by yourself back and forth to keep the kite up in the air. The monkeys at Peirce Reservoir were entertaining, though. Mommy and child monkey staring forlornly. Adult males leaping right out of nowhere to grab Mama's styrofoam rice packet right from behind her back. And Sa-ee's antics with the umbrella to scare them off. Think we provided enough laughter for other passers-by seeking shade too.

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Doing good enough. Skies are sufficiently bright and blue again, the hollowness is manageable.

It is still a huge disappointment and such a shame to see how things have deteriorated. From the best of intentions of getting close, trusting and depending on one another for happiness, to this high school facade of cliques. Where that bond that made you respect each other and keep each others dreams, wishes, and secrets is gone. What's left is the bitching and the badmouthing to the friends you would have considered of no value in comparison to the person once. Like one year of being each others' everything never really happened.

You've become a stranger. I can't reconcile you with the person I once trusted, maybe because that was the only version of you I knew. I only know the guy who loved me.

What to do - life's like that.

Whoa-oa-oa!
I feel good, I knew that I would, now
I feel good, I knew that I would, now
So good, so good, I got You

The shock of the afternoon has faded and what a huge difference now is compared to just a few hours ago. I'm trying to rekindle some old friendships, people I've taken for granted but whom I hope my sincere apologies will appease. And beggars can't be choosers. Drew up my social network today and I am on an island, in a castle, with a wide moat around me and all the rest of the world can't be seen without a telescope.

Change is coming, I feel it and it's gonna be so good.

marley and me 2? (: on Flickr by Kamilla.

No link photo. Just super adorable. Reminds me of Hayley once upon a time.

I like it when my mind's empty and peaceful. Which is very very hard for me to attain. Maybe like an hour a day max. That's the best part of the day, before the depression of the night sets in, followed by the high of midnight. It's also way better than the lurching awakening to real life in the morning and the horrible emptiness of the afternoons. That's when I try to sleep everything off, like literally refuse to wake up even though I'm not in the least bit sleepy.

2 more days to the return of some resemblance of sanity.

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I intended to make hot Lipton milk tea but accidentally made hot lemon tea instead. Oops.

Pedido de apoio nesta quinta flower on Flickr by Santinha - Casas Possíveis

Slowly but surely. I'm un-bottling myself.

Hope is a sneaky sneaky (insert swear word).

Suddenly all those people who waited and waited to no avail for their lost children or family to come home after decades of disappearance don't seem crazy to me anymore.

I am reborn!

Due to many external circumstances, I didn't quite experience an all-consuming transformation (far from it).

But I'm really happy I had an army of witnesses.

And I do feel mighty pleased looking at my certificate. And knowing that I truly truly am a child of God. Nothing inferior about that at all. :)

Empty.
I hate how inferior I feel now. Not interesting, proactive, decisive, holy, God-inclined, lovable, wise, advice-worthy, or comforting enough. Just not good enough to be treasured.

All this emptiness on Flickr by Franca Alejandra

Maybe check back in a couple of months. I don't like being judged for the amount of time I take getting over something. Not when you cannot imagine the depth of my emotions or how much I valued something.

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Your God is my God too. He may have set everything right for you real quick, but I know He loves me just as much. And that is something I must never forget.

I need to get to that happy place. I need help keeping afloat and out of optimism and denial. Help guarding my heart from attack and pain. To move on to greater things and to cut all connections with the old. Every single string must be cut.

Screwed over. At least it's done now. Good riddance.

COOL SUMMER underwater on Flickr by javiy

I try to swim often. Once, during J2 or something, I swam every night for a couple of months. But each time I attempt to swim, I suffer a 'freak-out' moment. Suddenly the pool is really dark and empty. And with my no power goggles, everything's doubly blur.

Sometimes I imagine there's some killer whale, shark or anaconda that slipped into the pool while I didn't realize it. FYI, I hate the deep fathomless ocean. I'd rather crash onto a mountain while skydiving than fall into the middle of the sea. Just think of what creepy tentacles lie beneath you as you tread water.

Tonight, I had more eerie ghostly imaginings. Made worse by gradually beginning to accept that even my beliefs entail a spiritual world living amongst us. EEEEE. Help. It's not just the movies!

I usually keep telling myself to stop being a wuss. But it takes all my courage not to swim harder and faster. Then I try to think of verses, but suddenly I can't remember any. So I just sing worship songs.

I know, why go through all this trouble, right? It's the only way to get a balanced work out, minus the tan. And usually my mind's too preoccupied to feel all these things. Tonight my mind just seemed exceptionally... alert.

On My Own

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
Without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world that's full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...


I want to watch Les Miserables! Or any other musical. I feel so deprived of culture.

The bus ride to school today was a lot more interesting than usual. Was eavesdropping on an angmoh family probably visiting the daughter who's been living here for a short while. Still touristy but she was so knowledgeable about the country, from the NEWater to the MRT to the GST to the COE and all the other acronyms of Singapore. Her mother only noticed the trees, marveling non stop at how many trees there were everywhere. It was a nice change, seeing things that you rarely pay attention to through their eyes.

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I don't get all the slamming on covers (like Glee songs). I think it's a pretty neat way to draw interest to old classics that wouldn't have been discovered by newer generations. Long live the oldies!

Clowning Around

Death Ray Hidden in the Clouds. on Flickr by BamaWester

The monotony of books and the library is getting to everybody. The highlight of today was jelly bean tosses into each others' mouths, like a sea lion exhibition, which gave my abs a good work out. Think the night air, physical exhaustion, stress and a little bit of XO made me a little loose-lipped as well. But no sirree, I'm not breaking my vows again! From now on, I will be a good secret keeper. I will take every confidence with me to the grave. Swear.

I think it's time for another round of Count Your Blessings. I don't say or feel this often enough, but I am truly grateful to have good friends who I really really enjoy being around. People who I can be myself with (with a tighter lid on the sarcasm), people who I can talk and laugh with liberally.

This is a self reminder for all the times I feel alone in the world, searching for who-knows-what.

BSB

Last Sunday, I relived my childhood for a couple of hours. Caught BSB's This Is Us tour at Suntec, which was filled with deja vu moments from FDI. Think I know that building inside out now.

Low expectations or over excitement, I'm not sure, but I really had a great time! Although I couldn't see any of their faces from my seat, I knew them well enough to recognize their body shapes. And their songs were like snuggling up into a soft blanket.

Though they've been more BackstreetMen than Boys for a long time, they've still got the stamina to dance and sing. No lip syncing and pretty good vocals, too. I was like a giddy teenager again by the end of the night.

And, boy was it a full house. Even the cool people turned up to secretly indulge in sappy boy band music.

Lights galore.

Out with the camera/video phones, as instructed by the band.

AJ, Howie, Nick and Bryan.

Some dancer interaction going on.

End of show.

Trash Talk

Gossip. So much pleasure derived from it until it's your turn at the receiving end.

by ashley rose on Flickr

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Currently loving Alicia Key's Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart. It's so 80s retro! ♥♥♥

The once famous quote by someone I know is so true. 'Facebook destroys lives.'

It sucks to come across a reminder of something you thought you've buried or something you don't want to see. And I know plenty of people who can't help stalking people they cannot let go. And many others who use this avenue to cheat on so called loved ones.

The bane of technology.

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My nose is clogged like a toilet bowl. Contemplating stealing a roll of loo paper from the hall toilet soon to pull me through the night. Haha.

OMG. Effing sian. I've to redo stupid PDF documents to be emailed when I could be studying or recuperating!

The unfortunate consequence of complaining about others is that you can never do any of those things either without being a hypocrite. And now I've to shut my trap.

Yummy new shade, #771. Just can't do without my lip colour, folks.

Just Like That

When I was young, I used to be a perfectionist. Before I slept, my pillow had to be just so, and my blankets folded just so, and when I put my blanket on my body it had to be a nice smooth even square. Before it became wrapped up around my body like a taco in the night.

I wrote long to do lists of my homework everyday and made a big deal of ticking everything I'd accomplished. Then at night I would pack my bag for the next day, and before I slept I'd panic, suddenly feeling that I'd forgotten something, and get up several times to go check my bag again.

When I started writing in pen in secondary school, I hated cancelling out my mistakes. For awhile, I was able to do it with the occasional dismayed glance at how ugly the page looked. After awhile and until now, it's liquid paper all the way. Something always just irked me so badly that could only be soothed with whiting it out and writing over.

Sometime ago, I gave up on perfectionism and embraced going-with-the-flow. (Used to hate that non-committal phrase so much.) I must say that the stress level doesn't decrease with this new philosophy. The ever constant stress of making sure you didn't forget anything with your lists is replaced by the ever constant stress of wondering if you already have forgotten something. I am the ultimate scatter brain.

I need a working person's phone so I can check my email on the go. I think 20th century me was a lot more organized than the me today.

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I am quite envious of people who aren't held back by their past. People who pick up and move on and look forward to the future. I hate that I'm always reminiscing and longing for the comfort of things I've preserved in my memory. How does one change something so ingrained in their personality?

I must be the first dental student to juggle dental school and vice-presidency of Dance Ensemble. Nobody else can understand the clashing dates of performances and exams. Like right now, when I'm gorging on Macs to keep awake as I read my notes for the first time for the 10am test tomorrow after rushing out a zillion sms-es and emails. I've already reduced myself to 1 (barely there) item but not going for any rehearsals has made it even harder for me to keep up with everything that's going on production-wise.

Pretty sure there's a life lesson to be learnt somewhere, if I had the time to ponder it.