I like Rascal Flatt's Summer Nights. Makes me feel like dancing in a checked shirt by a bonfire on the beach at night.

Oh man, I feel so evil and cynical whenever my ill-intentioned actions are repaid with kindness.

Like tonight when I walked super slowly just so that the older couple behind me wouldn't think I was rude when I went ahead and let the back gate slam in their faces. So I timed my walk and rummaged through my bag so that I wouldn't end up holding the door for too long nor would I make them wait. All the while I was rolling my eyes thinking, ughh, why do people walk so slowly.

And prior to that I thought she was a little weird at the bus stop.

Which goes to show I am a horrible judgmental person. Because after I held the gate for them, they were so nice, asking me where I stayed and saying goodnight and bye.

I'm such a bitch.

My Dream Team

I have a vision. To form the ultimate jigsaw puzzle building dream team.

This team would have the following members, with their own individual skills:

1) The guy who sorts the puzzle pieces: 1 leg, 2 legs, 3 legs
Suitable candidate: Lisa Chew, my aunt who loves sorting things

2) The guy who keeps randomly trying puzzle pieces into any available space and gets it to fit by luck
Suitable candidate: Jaydon Law, my cousin who is obsessed with repetitive actions

3) The guy who compares puzzle pieces with the box, finding the exact position of a puzzle piece
Suitable candidate: Myself, since that's already my known specialty in the jigsaw world

4) The guy who looks at the big picture from afar and suddenly has a light bulb moment, picking up and placing a piece in its exact position
Suitable candidate: Foong Chee Wah, my Dad who loves hovering with minimal participation

5) The guy who looks for missing pieces
Suitable candidate: Linda Chew, my Mom because she's no good at puzzles but much better at searching for lost items

If I had this group working day and night on any puzzle piece, we'd be an unstoppable machine.

Hello, Stranger

Today was a day of new acquaintances.

First, the cell group reorganization for the young adults at church. Finally I'll get to know more people my age in PLMC.

Then I went to Stanley's recital at Raffles (not Orchard) Hotel. This was after I spent all day wondering how to get to Orchard Hotel, and why Stanley kept telling me it was nearer to City Hall. Another great height reached in the lack of sense of direction department. But at least I met new people who can be new supper buddies. Should I even still go for supper with the size of my eye bags?

Lastly, on the train, I had a finger connecting moment with the most adorable baby sucking a pacifier. This particular baby was obsessed with reaching out his/her hand for people and things. So I reached back and we wiggled our finger tips at each other. When I left I said bye and he grabbed my hand. Swoon.

Iz a gud day.

My hair stinks of BBQ smoke.
My breath stinks of garlic and kimchi.
My towel stinks of damp air.

Back from Korean BBQ at Tanjong Pagar. After the sauna experience, I feel thoroughly sick of meat. It was almost Fear Factor-ish, like 'Eat this whole bucket of meat in the fastest time you can! The time to beat is 3 minutes!'

And now I'm inspired to watch Korean shows. Rewatching Won Bin in Friends. :D

DDR Revived

A new year brings lots of new faces. Interesting how the world around us changes non stop. In Dentistry it's like time froze and nobody's moving. Life is weirdly static when everybody's running like an automaton.

So besides the usual drama in school, like major crises being averted and patients not turning up, I found time to ponder why I don't like playing games. I think I don't like the stress of trying to win (when the game's about upping your level, especially when it can't be saved to continue). Nor do I like the feeling of being addicted to something, like how I used to go to bed thinking of what to do with my Sim characters and wake up thinking of how quickly I could get to a computer to do it. The simplest reason would be that I hate learning how to get good at something new. I never try something new unless I have some aptitude to perform a task. Working on that.

So, with the multiple choices of PS3 games at home, I chose... Dance Dance Revolution! To quote someone, I attempted a game that plays to my strengths. Typical. But just like being good in piano doesn't make you good at O2Jam, being somewhat experienced in dance does not make you good at stepping on arrows on a dance mat.

Good thing Papa didn't turn on his spy cam and post the video of me jumping clumsily in extreme concentration.

Gravity

Gravity
Originally uploaded by Big Bean Photos

When your eyelids start to droop.

Old Bird

I'm 23.

I want my life to reflect my age, the stage of maturity I should be in.

I want to direct my energy outwards, to stop being about me, to stop devoting all my time to pleasing myself and my own needs and my own perceived happiness. I want my life to have an external purpose, to mean something instead of focusing on things that have made me unhappy.

I don't want my past to dictate my future. I don't want my circumstances or fears to compromise my fulfilling my potential.

To be grown up means acting like one, even when you don't feel like it. And I'm going to do it, even if I've to take 20 seconds off to pause and say it out loud to myself.

$$$

Tonight, I went to Brewerkz where I spent $36 on a burger and an orange juice. Then I went to Timbre and had a $16 Pina Colada. After that I took a cab home from Clarke Quay for $18. So that's a total of $70 for a night. That would be an average night, if I don't count the tens of dollars of unclaimed I.O.U.s.

In just the first week of school, I've gone out 3 times. So I realized it's time to start keeping track of my expenses, the way I used to when I was in primary school. Back then, I jotted down the price of every single item I bought in the school canteen in my Maybank Savers booklet and however much of my pocket money I saved, Mom would double it to put into our piggy banks. Back then 'a lot of money' looked like 1 ringgit or 1 ringgit 50 sen.

In order to lead the comfortable life I want, every month I would have to spend an average of:

$50 x 30 days on meals: $1500
Car expenses: $700
Phone bill: $150
$200 x 4 days on clothes shopping: $800
Miscellaneous: $1000

Total: $4150

That would just be bare minimum expenditure to lead a 'comfortable' life. If I want to be relatively free of monetary concerns, just spending as I please, I'm going to need to earn way way more. This is without even considering vacations, luxury items, a house and accident/medical fees yet.

This is such a sobering realization. Like a splash of cold water. :/

My biggest downfall is my pride. Sometimes, I'd rather continue suffering in misery to prove my point than to concede that I may have overreacted. This causes quite a bit of emotional and mental conflict in life.

I hate it when I have double standards. For example, I feel really uncomfortable bitching about somebody doing something, when I know I do it too. Right now, I feel terribly disgusted at myself for having made a big deal about something happening to me that I actually find alright to do. Something that I can see how easy it is to do myself.

You can see how this is a huge internal struggle. Because it means I have to forgive. It means I have no right to hold on to my self-righteous anger and bitterness. The other option is to remain 'right' and stubbornly abstain from doing the same thing I experienced.

Or is it likely that I'm justified either way, and I should just leave it at that. Let the past be the past. Blah blah blah.

I think multitasking is an amazing asset.

My favourite multitask combination is brushing teeth while watching shows. If you know how not to drool and dribble, you can watch anything anywhere, like the TV in the living room or the computer in the study room.

Except today when I wanted to spit but realized that uh-oh, there was no toilet available. Found the kitchen sink just in time. :D

Lonely Cypress on Flickr by .: Philipp Klinger :.

When I listen to Hillsong's Adonai, I feel like everything will be okay, that God's all that matters. I start to imagine the world fading away, and all I have to face everyday is this big empty field of grass, or a world far away from all my history. And it's okay, like I know it'll be okay, there will be somewhere with peace for me.

Jaydon is constantly getting obsessed with one thing after another. His latest obsession is Airport Mania, some iPhone game that I have no interest in learning more about. Before this, it was Angry Birds, and before that it was MRT stations. That's only what I can remember off hand.

For my birthday this year, Jaydon asked me if I would be choosing a helper to blow my candles on the cake. I told him yes, and that it would be a competition. My helper would be the person who could last until cake-cutting without mentioning anything to do with Airport Mania or any other iPhone game.

It was extremely entertaining watching everyone try to trick him into slipping up. He covered his eyes and ears because it was just too much for him. He got very agitated and annoyed at everyone's efforts to disturb him. Finally, he just stopped talking altogether, just in case any random question was a trick.

Of course, I chose him as the winner, for being the best at resisting temptation and for trying the hardest. Those were my encouraging words before he blew off the candles on my cake as I was just pursing my lips.

Ballerina
Originally uploaded by Kees Smans

I told myself that there's nothing to expect. Even if it happened, it would mean nothing. Yet, here I am still waiting. Because I still want to matter. Because it's sometimes still crazy that I'm now a nobody, not even a friend. I know that deep down it's for the best, that this is the easiest way forward. And a part of me is relieved because the decision has been made for me. All the more reason not to care anymore, because I'm done caring. Done trying.

New Toes To Usher In The New Year