I used to be annoyed at having to walk up the hill after cell on Friday nights. Now, I've found a more fun way to pass the time.

I plug in my earphones and sing really loudly. After checking that nobody's around, ideally. And with occasional alertness to possible open car windows or motorcyclists eavesdropping. No reason I should care, honestly.

The singing gets wheezy after I start panting up the slope. But while it lasts, I run through my usual favourite emo list: Chris Brown's Superhuman, Cascada's Every Time We Touch, The Full House theme, Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift's Two is Better Than One, Red Jumpsuit's Your Guardian Angel (ultimate fave!).

But I've been avoiding Lifehouse, for personal reasons.

Would be good to have some rearview mirror, so I can see the cyclists coming up, like the one who was ringing his bell incessantly but I couldn't hear him.

The Magical Mystery Box of Strange and Unknowable Things
by Lissy Elle on Flickr

Today, someone told me that something told him I had wisdom and a lot to share spiritually. Which took me aback. I'm flattered, but I'm just highly self-aware, and not wise at all in the ways of the Word. Got to start turning the former into the latter.

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The artist above has some of the most magical shots I've seen so far.

Shadow, Hayley & Macy © Ale

As most of you know, I've 3 dogs: Shadow, Macy and Hayley. Each of them are unique, with their eccentricities and neurotic behaviours. Would really make those apathetic non pet lovers stop a minute, to realize that animals have personalities, just like humans.

Shadow's super clingy and needy. He's the beta to our alpha dog. He rolls over onto his back when you stand before him, he gazes up at you lovingly with his soulful eyes and he wriggles to get near to you. He's mean to some strangers and picks his friends very carefully. At his age, he's like Speedy Gonzales with long ears and black fur. And he's uber jealous of Hayley.

Macy's self sufficient and can be quite self absorbed. In general, she doesn't need your affection unless it comes with treats and walks. Most of the time she's sleeping pressed up against the wall or lying in sleeping Buddha position, looking bored. But occasionally, her true feelings show when she misses you or Shadow if either have been gone a long time. Her poor metabolism has turned her into a scruffy oversized mouse-y looking dog. Which is cute.

Hayley's the most blur and innocent dog. She's always pleased to see you and has no manners. Sniffing and slobbering, fake biting your hand. She flops onto water and splashes the waterbowl dry. She has a short attention span and memory deficit, climbing up the short 3 steps again and again even after each phobic session of being unable to climb back down. For a young thing, she has zero stamina and whines to go home after a relatively long walk.

Do they sound like anybody you know?

Unfortunately, Hayley's sick. And we hope that when she recovers, her Dory-like memory will prevent any lingering mental trauma. Unlike Macy, who until now refuses to get into the car to go to the vet. Poor lonely girl, all by herself at the vet's. Me wants to go home to see her!

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Like it or not, everyone's a taker. Most times, our taking is inconsequential because what we take is what is offered: attention, support, encouragement, gifts, love, friendship, help. Even when we're giving, we're taking too, to maintain relationships and to keep connections that are to our advantage someday. Most of the things we take are too little to warrant noticing. It's only when the big things disappear that it really matters, like someone taking your pride. Or worse, your heart.

Gosh. You really can't trust anybody these days.

The one who vows to love you and falls all over himself to do stuff for you ends up getting tired of you.

The one who shares all his troubles with you goes and does his own thing once everything's resolved.

Even your iPod songs disappoint you.

I say, talk to the hand.

147 by vanessa.paxton on Flickr

Ah, the great divide. Between fast and slow. When you're fast, you're not allowed to enjoy it or feel good about it. That's because you're deemed unhelpful and insensitive to the slow. And when you're slow, though it sucks, you're suddenly justified to complain and blame the world for your problems. You are absolved of all guilt of being the humble, quiet, enduring Asian.

Having been at both ends before, I identify with both feelings. And it can be really tough to control your frustrations or on the flipside, to avail yourself to everyone. Best to be indifferent and magnanimous. Don't take things personally and keep encouraging yourself. Big picture, big picture!

On a related note, I owe lots of people assistance and voluntary patient roleplay. Ouch.

I can't quite get used to being discarded and forgotten. Maybe it's growing up reading junk books, maybe it's the movies. But to be ignored and be met with a hardened heart is something I can never get accustomed to. It's alright. Don't want to be one of you cynical people, anyway.

*Snub*

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Someone told me, once you go short, it's going to be addictive. Long hair will seem too far away and too much effort to achieve ever again. I've a bad feeling they were right. I'm loving it!

Battle for the Kingdom by Lissy Elle on Flickr

You know this paradox? When you're performing, you wish it'll all just end and you vow not to join the next concert. And when you're not performing but watching a concert, suddenly you wish so much you had joined. I feel so much like dancing now, to put effort into improving and being the hot stuff those idols of mine are. But I'm cursed with the lazy bone. (If only I had the funny bone too, like they sold it in pairs.)

I don't put in the effort to improve myself and so I'm stuck forever with my limited abilities. On the other hand, maybe I'm not enough of a natural that I'll never have the time to work on it to that level. But a part of me aches to really truly bask in the limelight, and not in a small pond but a real big ocean! By that, I mean to truly be talented among the likes of other great talents and not just shine among non dancers.

The big dream. Same dream every time.

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What maketh a relationship? Effort or compatibility? Still on the fence over that one. Knowing the answer to that will end the age old conflict of whether the relationship is over or worth fighting for. If only destiny could send a sign when you meet The One.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Still can't get used to my image in the mirror. Never considered myself the sort of girl who tied her femininity to her long hair but I actually felt a few moments of terror and regret when half my hair was still long and the other side chopped up. Sometimes, when I catch my reflection, I feel kind of distressed. Like I can't identify myself with that hair, like it's not the me I want to portray, not the me who's inside. Oh well, thank goodness hair grows. And it's not like it looks BAD, it's just... not quite me. Not that I don't like it, I just feel like I'm giving people the wrong impression of who I am. Maybe because I look older. Boo.

So much analysis over a haircut.

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Planning a holiday takes effort. You've got to get yourself pumped up and enthusiastic to go. You've got to imagine all the fun you could have, and erase all potential problems like boredom, incompatibility, fights, setbacks, delays, etc. And you've got to book ahead, and book smart and cheap so you don't come home feeling cheated and depressed over all the unnecessary money you spent. And most importantly, you've got to choose your company wisely.

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Gone are the days where my mind was a blank canvas, waiting for the real world to happen. Where my fantasies all came from foreign books and I imagined myself traveling, having adventures, falling head over heels in love and doing things the women in the novels did. What I would give to find, and not search anymore. To be filled and not feel empty. To be content and not pine for the past. So much for my happy ending.

Stasis

Stasis by Leslie Thomson on Flickr

Was pondering how it's so sad that dental school is too tiring for us to see the big picture on a daily basis. I spend everyday looking at things microscopically, my cavity preps, my list that has yet been signed, which assessors to go too, what time lunch is, how I'm going to stop watching TV so I can start studying. It's a very rare few light bulb moments that hit, that remind me about my greater responsibility as an NUS student, of the reality of working in clinics.

Today, I was reminded about how I'm part of a bigger community, the NUS Dental Faculty that's striving to make a name in the academic scene. That we don't have enough research and that our performance as undergraduates will affect the reputation of the university in future. Realized that I've no international contacts, to compare the syllabus of different unis, or just to get an idea of how the rest of the dental world operates. Pretty sad.

I also feel highly unprepared for having to watch my back with every procedure I do. To keep records, to become a professional with no room for errors (at least none that I cannot defend). For now, it's all I can do to just graduate and come out of school, none the wiser about anything outside of my classroom. It's sink or swim, fellas!

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Been having the most disturbing dreams again lately. I'm so used to them that they hardly bother me anymore. Like a movie I watched a few days ago, in the back of my mind.

The pain can be so acute and unexpected sometimes, I cannot breathe. The habit of denial is like an old comfortable cloak, so much easier to just put back on than to shake off.

Adiós. on Flickr © caotica_utopica

I just did the most sacrilegious thing ever - ripped up the Holy Bible. But only because the cover was disintegrating on me, so I wrapped it in A4 and plastic. Now it's just another inconspicuous book.

Been lamenting the days that are going by yet again. And doing my best to have self restraint. One of the greatest difficulties for me is to just let go and release control of my life. It has become glaringly obvious that I can't let go because I don't have enough faith that there will be better than this.

But I'm getting tired. To clap you need two hands. Sooner or later, you'll give up on clapping the air.

Anyway, CNY is around the corner, and I'm gonna see the new goodies Mom got everyone from the US, plus my new year clothes. Fashion is a powerful cure for many maladies. If my closet ever burned down, I'd probably weep for my clothing collection first.

PS: I ADORE Beyonce's and Pink's Grammy performances. Pink is one bad ass rock hard muscly chick.

Sightings

. on Flickr © moonwire

An old man panicking and reaching for a little toddler as he veered closely to the drain, from my window seat on the bus.

A family with an adorable little Husky in the park, called Altemis, from what I overheard.

A Caucasian girl calling out the number of pull ups a buff Chinese guy was doing on a playground bar.

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Now, I await my dinner as my belly rumbles up a storm.

Bad Days Come In Pairs

After a smashing crab dinner, I took 857 intending to get to St Michael's Place for cell, because if 857 took me home, the opposite 857 should take me there, right? This is the 2nd time I've made this mistake after my stop at Holland V took me to Clementi instead of home. I will never understand this looping business.

Spent an hour on the bus, attempting to read notes. And decided to stop for a leak at Boon Keng MRT. Then I realized from the bus directory that just a few more stops and I'd have reached where I started. This looping business!

And then it dawned on me that there is absolutely nothing waiting for me at home. That I could just sit for hours and hours looping around Singapore and nothing drastic would happen. Why all the angst, impatience and irritation of rushing home? It felt pretty sad, really, to have nobody to report to, or anyone to care for you, or something to rush home to. Other than TV.

So I decided to heck it and take the purple line, then the Circle line, then the red line, and then walk the 15 minutes home.

I have no idea why.

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During the mid year break, I am going to chop off all my hair. To some pixie cut. I don't care how ugly I look, I shall do it at least once in my life. There - it's in black and white.

All These Things That I've Done

1) Should have gone back to hall after baptism class last night.

2) Should have slept before 1am last night.

3) Should have woken up at 6am as usual this morning instead of snoozing the alarm just because class started at 9am.

4) Should have left the house right after showering instead of waiting for the lift to school that didn't come from my aunt.

5) Should have worn covered shoes for school instead of NUM flip-flops.

6) Should have taken the DM notes home with me instead of leaving them in hall. (or see point 1)

7) Should have left school at 4.30pm as I'd planned.

8) Should have found out the address of the dentist I booked.

Instead, I spent all morning cursing on the bus at the incredible jam. Then dumping my bag with a classmate whom I fortuitously met on bus 95 while I took a bus back to hall even though lesson was starting. Then running from the bus stop the few hundred meters to my room to get the notes and change out of my slippers. Then after school, running from Science to NUH to catch a cab. Then from where the cab dropped me, running home because it was the wrong place. Fortunately, I found Lian-ee at home who could send me to the right place.

And throughout the whole day I was swearing (in my head, mostly). And brisk walking till my shins hurt, and running till my shoe flew off. I was a very very angry person today. ANGRY.

Honey, We should probably call someone about this. on Flickr © Chad304

Colour Me

The colour green is just so relieving. Like the green of a traffic light, or the green of a cab sign. I like green. Then again, I've also liked pink, red, blue, and purple at some point in my life.

bahama mama on Flickr © mySadiegirl

Quite thrilled with my 2 new (free) fissure sealants from the demo today. Reminded me of how fun it is going to a dentist, when the procedure is painless and risk-free. It's re-instilled my faith in dentists, like reliving my childhood days. Something like stepping into Toys R' Us. Which by the way, I had no idea meant Toys Are Us until I was technically a grown up. Used to say it like stegosaurus or rhinoceros. More importantly, my faith in my oral hygiene is restored! I was really bummed when I thought it was caries again.

Found a worm in my dinner vege though. Yucks.

And the most hilarious thing today was that someone made a typo (or rather I made a typo on FB) and thought my blog was thealephant.blogpot.com. Quite a shock there. Imagine that, it really exists!

Radiation

Untitled on Flickr © framboesa.

Anyone know a cure for severe under eye wrinkles on a young, supposedly cell regenerating 22 year old? Ah, the never ending battle against aging. But I really don't think it's fair to have crow's feet. I could put it down to being a very smiley person, and laugh it off as laugh lines, but I really don't think the joy I get from (rarely) smiling warrants the creases. These lines belong to someone like Ronald McDonald. Or Britney Spears, who gets to have them airbrushed or Botox-ed away.

Oh, to exude a glorious and radiant inner beauty!
The only radiation I give out is the scatter from my unprotected OPG.

Life's demands are catching up on me. All those years of being pampered and provided for, having Mommy & Daddy as my security blanket for when things go wrong, it's all coming to an end. I've to stop impulse buying (my last buy I justified by getting a refund from The Killers, and spending less than the ticket price), extravagant eating, cab riding, and gift splurging. Time to slowly wean myself off my parent's allowances. Of course, that would require a job. And by then, I'll be a mid twenties single girl still living at home. Yippeeee.

How on earth do women still get married and have kids before they turn 26? Crazy people.