My Neck Is Killing Me

Been thinking about the possible causes:

1. The position of my hair parting. I need to tilt my head to keep my hair off my face.
2. Dentistry.
   
3. Dancing for Evocation 2011.
4. My awful posture while studying for exams.
5. My terrible sleep habits and my inability to sleep unless I'm twisted like a pretzel.
6. My super heavy tote bag.
   

To solve this mystery, I'll have to proceed by elimination. So begins my neck diary. This time, I do not kid.

In recent years, I've attempted to immortalize myself by taking as many awesome photogenic photos as I can. I try because I know they'll be my only evidence of my youth once the years start rushing by. Lately, I realize it hasn't been very effective because every time I look at old albums and old pictures of myself, I can't stand the way I look. Bad clothes, bad hair, bad smile, been there, done that.

Looks like inner beauty really is the only way to go.

I kid, I kid.

Poodle-ized

188/365: We gotz haircutz..., a photo by Chris Petty Photography on Flickr.

Let's Deconstruct

So I'm back in Singapore again and I've sorted out my mess of a wardrobe. Realize that my clothes are spreading like weeds, infiltrating all the cupboards. Am sneakily getting rid of other people's presumed unwanted clothes and replacing the space with mine. To be fair, I just gave away a whole bag full of clothes as well. Now I've got to list down all my upcoming events and think of what to wear for them. Way to kill time these hols.

Back in KL, the carpenters are coming in to tear down our old bedroom cupboards and put in new more grown up looking furniture. Yesterday, Mom and I bought a mobile clothes rack to put all the hanging clothes on. Since Dad wasn't around, we decided to get a cheap easily assembled one from a hardware shop instead of one from Ikea with all the screws and nuts and bolts. Which probably explains why the rack started leaning like the Leaning Tower of Pisa within half an hour.

Today, I left Adelia to pick up the dog poop, wash the clothes and open the door for the carpenters as I got into a cab headed for the airport. Feel a bit guilty for abandoning Fungus now. It got me thinking once again that living in 2 places like this has spared me the hassle of enduring renovations. Each time I fly back to the other house, something new has been done, some work has been completed and I did not have to suffer through the construction.

Construction is so inconvenient because you have to make adjustments to your routine. You've to stop using the room, deal with the dust and noise, etc. Feel a little evil but I remember feeling so lucky I didn't have to be around for the 3 months of termite extermination where the living room looked like crap.

Likewise, I've gone back to KL in the past to discover newly cleaned backyards, newly arranged wardrobes, newly replaced leather couches, newly placed flooring and I'm guessing when I'm back the next week, newly installed furniture.

I feel relieved avoiding all that but I also feel like I'm not part of the hardship and therefore not part of history being made.

Bottle It Up

After watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice for so long, it has dawned on me that I would like to live in that fantasy world. Maybe some people out there do live like that or maybe it's just well scripted lines as usual, but it would be so awesome to be around people who you can be as OCD as you like and they get it anyway.

I've always been called an over thinker, but last year someone told me it was just neurotic behaviour. I think he's right. I'd love to be able to just say what I think and express how I feel and know they won't leave me or get tired of me. To be free to worry and feel insecure without fear that they'll walk away. I feel so tired of making sure I say the right thing, trying to set the right mood, send the right image, and be lovable that I don't even know if I'm being myself. Because all I've learnt throughout each failure is that I think too much, that I'm the cause, that I'm a burden. So I learned to repress.

Which makes this dangerous territory to tread on. If I start dwelling too much on the ideal free speech - free love lifestyle, I'll forget that in reality, self-censorship is necessary for the survival of a relationship.

Awesome Things

I've decided to try to come up with random small awesome things a la 1000 Awesome Things, hopefully one with each post.

To kick start, I thought of 3 today:

#1 Finally finding a real-life use for the things I study: to understand medical shows

#2 Winning at Mastermind without having used an ounce of logic, just pure gut feeling.

#3 Wearing sneakers to a club so my feet don't get stomped on

Emotional breakdown: When one by one, all your coping mechanisms fail.

And then only God is left.

-----
First, it was my cell leader asking if I was okay, to which I dismissed as my shitty appearance from lack of sleep. The one that truly affected me was my cellmate who was deep in prayer and just as I said goodbye and left, she grabbed me and told me she felt something, that I wasn't okay.

And I felt really amazed, overwhelmed and touched all at once. There was no way she could have known because I did absolutely nothing different. She gave me the longest hug and I told her I'd tell her about it someday. And it was the best hug I've had in almost 2 years.

It's inspiring and comforting to know that someone can be so in tune with God like that, that God can prompt you with feelings and visions to help you minister to others. I want to have that kind of relationship with Him too. And I want to bring comfort and hope to people the way she does.

wearing red pants, drinking red liquid a photo by Phixo on Flickr.

Which is my reality?

As Lovers Go

Gotta love Dashboard Confessional.

she said "i've gotta be honest,
you're wasting your time if you're fishing round here."
and i said "you must be mistaken,
cause i'm not fooling...this feeling is real"
she said...she said "you gotta be crazy,
What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?
"No, you've got wits, you've got looks,
you've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong."

all wrong.
all wrong.
but you got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

and i said "i've gotta be honest
i've been waiting for you all my life."
for so long i thought i was asylum bound,
but just seeing you makes me think twice.
and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side.
you've got wits...you've got looks,
you've got passion but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?

tonight.
tonight.
but you've got me...

i'll be true, i'll be useful...
i'll be cavalier...i'll be yours my dear.
and i'll belong to you...
if you'll just let me through.
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?
this is easy as lovers go,
so don't complicate it by hesitating.
and this is wonderful as loving goes,
this is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?

Was just doing the exact same thing - listening to both Colbie Caillat and Sara Bareilles on Youtube and thinking gosh, they have really come into their own.

Sara Bareilles' music and videos especially always make me appreciate the little things in life and Colbie Caillat's occasionally make me feel sick with envy but reluctantly, they also make me hope.

Whattaday

Woke up at 9am to the sound of drilling, which soon became pounding and knocking and vibrating.

Since today's the last day before finals begin, I was pretty miffed. Also very reluctant to tire myself out by going to school, AMK library or Thomson Plaza.

So I hunted around for somewhere comfy on the property and decided on the wooden/metal frame bench beside the pool and BBQ pit, next to a Gardenia dispensing machine. Tried to stay cool and keep my body temperature down so I wouldn't feel the Singapore heat. Tried to fully enjoy every cool breeze that blew my way. Tried to mold my bony body on the hard seat.

So I ended up walking in and out a lot. Came back when the construction took a break, but woe is me for these people only take 20 minute breaks. Once Pretty Little Liars ended, it was back to havoc. This time I got an umbrella and went back out to brave the elements.

All this while I'm plugged in non-stop: Lancelot, Nokia, iPod Nano.

Finally I realize a pretty good compromise for comfort, minimal sound (my standards are desperately low) and sufficient distraction is my bed and the Phantom of the Opera play list in my ears. Somehow the annoying talking and singing blocks out the noise pollution but doesn't really attract me to listen to it.

Weight Watch

#225 of 365: Weight Watch a photo by Gino Carteciano on Flickr.

Jaydon Law is our current weight adjudicator.

(Wow, I randomly remembered the existence of that word. Vocabulary still intact!)

Mama and the others in my family have been offered a lucrative deal from my aunt. For every kilogram lost they will earn S$100.

Every so often, Jaydon excitedly drags out the weighing machine and pesters Mama to get on it. She refuses and refuses, claiming she wants to wait until she's lost 5kg. Jaydon is very persistent and gets his way. Mama will stand on the scale as he squats down just so, very precisely at the midline of the scale and reads the figure. Only another person can read it, the person weighing herself cannot be trusted, according to Jaydon.

Most recently, Mama who has not done any exercise in forever, still managed to drop 2kg, to everybody's amazement. She insisted on staying on the scale out of fear the number would be different once she got back on the second time. As expected, Lian-ee told her to 'Get down!' and Jaydon fussily made sure the arrow was pointing to zero.

Sure enough it was S$200 into Mama's pocket. Jaydon was off and running to the scoreboard to record Mama's current lowest weight. Lian-ee was so mad she started yelling incessantly over nothing and started announcing the need for a digital machine, purportedly not because she was sour about it as we claimed, but to 'help Mama keep track of her weight more accurately'.

Jaydon himself is on an incentive program to gain weight. To his disappointment, he lost a kg but tried to claim some money anyway. Skinny boy looks like a pile of twigs to me.

Happy Family

The way I interact with my family has influenced how I view relationships with other people. A friend commented more than once that I speak to my elders as though they were my peers or friends. I took that to mean I did not sound terribly respectful.

It's made me evaluate how I view my family members, in particular parents, aunts, uncle and my grandmother. Our family is really big on teasing each other, maybe to a point of being a little rude sometimes. And as monkey see monkey do, the kids pick up on our parents teasing my grandmother and follow suit. For us, being affectionate is bullying and making fun, regaling each other with tales of embarrassing or stupid things someone else in the family has done and laughing until our sides split.

Mostly it's done in good fun and although it occasionally hits a nerve, everyone in the family learns to take it and retaliate with snide remarks. The only problem is when things get out of hand, with everyone so desensitized we don't realize we're hurting each other. It's good that at any one point of time someone is usually astute enough to realize that the target of the current joke is hurt and will defend the person. It's good that we usually try to remind each other to be nice so we don't take each other for granted.

My greatest problem has been how I view other people. I feel like I'm not myself when I can't tease and banter with someone comfortably. Sure, I appreciate many forms of relationships but for someone to be my best friend or for me to feel like they're family, I've to feel comfortable enough joking the way I do at home.

It's a little dysfunctional to look for people you can be mean to. You can see how it may be a little difficult building relationships.

I feel your pain, more than I could ever say. If we were friends, I'd give you a big hug. But we're not, so all I can do is let my heart go out to you and pray you'll get over it quicker than I did.

Never Drive Without A Cash Card

So today I drove to school and into UCC without a cash card for parking. I found out when I tried to drive out, because to my horror, the card reader was empty. This, by the way is thanks to my aunt who polished the car this morning and did not make sure it was travel-ready for me to use.

So I decided to park my car aside, get out and ask the Intercom Man for advice.

I press the button.
(Intercom music)
Intercom Man (IM): (voice crackling) Hello! Hello!
Me: Er, hello, I don't have a cash card.
IM: But you need a cash card to go out!
Me: Oh, but I don't have one. What do I do?
IM: You need one to go out!
Me: Er, so how?
IM: You need to borrow from someone. Borrow from one of the cars!
Me: Huh, just borrow from someone?
IM: Yes!
(A car drives up beside me as I'm standing at the barrier machine.)
IM: This one, this one! Ask this car!
Me: Huh?? This car? Serious?

Fortunately, it was my friend. Even then, she initially didn't get my signals to stop and kept smiling and waving instead. This was followed by another long story of me driving around to find a cash card. But I think that's enough inconvenience for one day. Don't think I even thanked the guy for his help. But with his all seeing 'eye', guess he would've felt satisfied over a crisis averted.

Wartorn

It has been a very mentally and emotionally draining evening.

Firstly, I'm still perpetually affected by the presence. It is exhausting trying not to feel or remember or imagine. It is honestly a physical response with adrenaline running through me as I fight the stress of being on the edge. I feel so tense waiting for someone to bring up the name, and I feel so lousy when there's implied intimate knowledge, implied insider information.

And then I've to hold my bladder in the car. That on top of the anxiety just makes me talk way too much. I lost the filter on my mouth, then the filter in my mind, then the tight seal on the past and it was just overwhelming. Prolonged cortisol really isn't good for you, so I made it home just in time. All those heightened emotions almost made me burst into tears.

Every episode is like going to war. And each time I come back relieved that nothing eventful happened. Relieved I survived but usually worse for wear.

Red Dress Syndrome

Viaggiare a photo by Mirko Macari on Flickr.

People are creatures of habit. They're drawn time and time again to the same kind of food, same kind of guy and same kind of clothing. Sure, people also like variety but there's always a discernible pattern in their likes and dislikes, like they can't help themselves but to be attracted to the same look, shape or taste based on their first memories.

So let's just focus on fashion for a moment. This obsession with one particular style is so telling that I can usually picture what my friends are going to run towards when we go out shopping together. Personally, I find myself constantly drawn to red dresses. It's horrible to buy a new dress and realize it looks almost exactly like another dress I already own. It's probably just a phase, because there are heaps of clothes from a year where I thought something was the bomb but now can't imagine ever wearing again. One example is this collection of floral short casual dresses I own but sorely wish I could discard.

Wonder how I can break out of this cycle.

Catastrophe Jayne on Flickr by Second.Daughter

Year after year, I make photocopies of notes I never read. I get things from seniors I never glance at. To think of all those trees I've killed by my kiasuism. Anyway, I believe in information overload. Best you remember the minimal things you know than you glance through the piles of papers you have.

It can be annoying to people around me, being contradictory. One moment I like this, the next I loathe it. The first day at the library, I felt so glad to be back after a year of exile. The very next day I couldn't stop grumbling to leave. And now I feel very suited to the life of a recluse. I think I'd make a great hermit, caving myself up in this house for ever. It's just too much effort to socialize, to travel and to get dressed up.

I don't know why but some people just bring out this urge in me to contradict them. It's like I suddenly don't feel the same way about things they talk about, and I just want to irritate and frustrate them with my contrary ideas. Haven't yet figured that one out.

Now that I've found my partner in crime, shopping online is becoming scarily easy! My only consolation is that the clothes are for 'work' and I can probably keep using them forever. The same way some things I'm wearing now were bought when I was 14 or 16 and have just made a comeback in my wardrobe.

More incentive to attempt to stay skinny.