Wartorn

It has been a very mentally and emotionally draining evening.

Firstly, I'm still perpetually affected by the presence. It is exhausting trying not to feel or remember or imagine. It is honestly a physical response with adrenaline running through me as I fight the stress of being on the edge. I feel so tense waiting for someone to bring up the name, and I feel so lousy when there's implied intimate knowledge, implied insider information.

And then I've to hold my bladder in the car. That on top of the anxiety just makes me talk way too much. I lost the filter on my mouth, then the filter in my mind, then the tight seal on the past and it was just overwhelming. Prolonged cortisol really isn't good for you, so I made it home just in time. All those heightened emotions almost made me burst into tears.

Every episode is like going to war. And each time I come back relieved that nothing eventful happened. Relieved I survived but usually worse for wear.