Bottle It Up

After watching Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice for so long, it has dawned on me that I would like to live in that fantasy world. Maybe some people out there do live like that or maybe it's just well scripted lines as usual, but it would be so awesome to be around people who you can be as OCD as you like and they get it anyway.

I've always been called an over thinker, but last year someone told me it was just neurotic behaviour. I think he's right. I'd love to be able to just say what I think and express how I feel and know they won't leave me or get tired of me. To be free to worry and feel insecure without fear that they'll walk away. I feel so tired of making sure I say the right thing, trying to set the right mood, send the right image, and be lovable that I don't even know if I'm being myself. Because all I've learnt throughout each failure is that I think too much, that I'm the cause, that I'm a burden. So I learned to repress.

Which makes this dangerous territory to tread on. If I start dwelling too much on the ideal free speech - free love lifestyle, I'll forget that in reality, self-censorship is necessary for the survival of a relationship.