What a martyr I was today. What a martyr I've been the past few days actually.

Drove my sis around to cut leaves. Drove my sis to Tropicana Club and back for her prom preparations. Drove home and back from Tropicana to pick up her prom dress she forgot. Spent half an hour guarding the door and the rest of the night hovering around.

Didn't even claim a cent, except to vanquish some of my tiny debts (within the family, of course).

This is my only shot of the night with my sister. We didn't even get to take one with all 3 sisters. :( Poor Aggie.

So this is how those diet ads trick you.

It's almost a ritual for my sisters to make me try on old clothes from my parents and marvel at the size discrepancy.

Dress As Your Friend

I've never really given much thought to the meaning of clothes. Sure, everybody wants to look good, and looking good can mean anything to anybody: revealing less, revealing more, colour, monotone. But until we did our little social experiment this weekend, it never really hit me that I placed so much weight on fashion as part of my identity.

So my idea from Cougar Town finally materialized, that we would dress up as each other (drawing random lots) and see who would be the most successful, i.e. with the most number of people being able to guess who she was dressing as.

And the honest truth was that I felt really uncomfortable in my outfit. I wore a typical Shang get-up of jeans and a long sleeved traditional printed top. This was after I tried on another combination that I would have rather shot myself in the head than gone out in. Initially, I just felt quite unattractive and unstylish just because the style was so not me (probably too conservative, haha). It was definitely not just me because my friends were also comforting me, so to speak. At the end of the day, I finally managed to forget my outfit and stopped being self-conscious about the image I was portraying to people around me.

Still was glad to go home, though. Funnily enough, I've probably felt perfectly comfortable wearing this in my early teens. How times have changed.

Burst out laughing halfway, trying to do a classic Shang pose.

It was an interesting situation and apparently common, since everyone expressed some sort of discomfort or restriction in choosing and wearing their outfits. It makes me question how vain I really am, that who I am depends on what I wear. Okay, I've always been vain but it's a little disturbing to know that I'm that vain.

There we go, I make the best Shangky fo sho.

Of course, nobody could have guessed that we weren't really the people we looked like, or more precisely, the personalities our clothes suggested. The only people feeling weird in their skins were us. Food for thought, ooooooohh.

Bet you can't tell right? Yeah, it's an inside joke, folks.

Oh alright, from L to R it's Shang, Ale, Stef, Phyl, Shu and Pui.

I love my DKNY bag!

Yippeee!!

Me padre and his early Xmas gift, because he's not around for our Xmas Eve family party tomorrow.

Holiday Idleness

Tried the strawberry face mask. Which smelled totally edible but was so hard to scrub off my face became dehydrated instead.

Played around with glutinous rice balls.

Turned them into really disgusting shapes.

Spied on the Little Evil terrapin whose hobby is chasing the Big Benevolent terrapin.

Ran away when it started chasing me instead.

Food Frenzy

My family has this insane obsession with food. Especially now that it's the holidays, all we do is get up and loiter around until it's lunchtime. Then at about noon we start hovering around the kitchen, even more so when my grandma's visiting KL, and start pestering her about how long the food will take to be done. Then we wolf down several helpings.

Our ears perk up at the sound of dishes clanging, or the fridge door closing. When it's dinner time, we get excited at the sound of someone coming home because most likely they've brought food along.

In between main meals, we scavenge around for snacks: chips, pastries, ice cream, sandwiches, anything that looks good. Doesn't help that the fridge is also always stocked with juices, and some sort of leftover pasta or birthday cake.

So I've concluded, the only way to survive in my family is to have a high metabolic rate.

Finally got round to reading this and it's pretty good! Though I kinda skim through all the finance bits, because it's just beyond me. Then again, it's been a really long time since I've read a proper mystery novel so I'm not the best critic.

Shall go back to Singapore and read the rest of the books in the series, thanks to JP.

I've gone to A Little Dimsum Place at Jalan 23/70A, Desa Sri Hartamas a couple of times already since I've been back. I really love the food! Maybe a 3rd time will be one too many but so far I've eaten till I've been stuffed. Too bad they don't have a website, but there are some pictures of the yummy food at Go Where Eat.

Yummm, so glad we packed some leftovers to take home. Char siew pau!

One of the most important lessons in life that I'm trying every day to practise is to never allow myself to feel hurt by things I cannot control. If there's nothing I can do about it, then it's not within my circle of control, then there's no point feeling sad, rejected or upset about it. It's just not worth it.

McDonald Story

Isn't the point of having a choice of normal fries or Twister fries for us to be able to choose either one? And the point of having Sprite/Ice lemon tea/Coke/Milo/Ribena on the dispenser for us to choose what we'd like to drink?

The lady at the McDonald's counter at the airport clearly disagrees. I told her my burger orders one by one and immediately after said, 'Please change all the fries to Twister fries.' Right away, she looked really annoyed like I'd asked her to bring me fries from France. Then she started yelling for some guy to come over, because she didn't know how to edit the order on the cash register.

Then she demanded, 'All 5 cokes, right?' And out of sympathy, I said yes. Although in my mind I'd been planning my order of 2 Ribenas, 2 Milos and 1 Coke. Then (I think) I heard her bitching to the guy about last minute changing orders and 'babi betul' and I thought, what a bitch.

While I was waiting for the food to be packed, I looked into the take away bag and saw 7 burgers instead of the 5 I ordered. I got 4 double cheeseburgers instead of 2.

If they weren't the megarich megafranchise McDonald's, I'd probably consider telling them.

Booooring Balls on Flickr by Siebe

Christmas songs were playing the other day in the shopping center. I started feeling so light and happy, all warm and fuzzy inside. Couldn't stop myself from singing along to each one. Now I want to steal the CD so we can play it on Xmas Eve at home because the tracks were so soothing and calming. I hate CDs where the Christmas song covers sound fake or I don't recognize half of them.

Can't wait for Christmas! And the turkey and smoked salmon that's our latest tradition. And for the Secret Santa Dress Up competition. This has been one of the best holidays all year. :D

For a person who prides herself so much on being in control and never doing anything embarrassing, this week has been the pits.

I mean, I rather just sit out than try something new that looks 'fun' because I'll most likely fall or make a fool of myself. The same way I've never mastered the simple cartwheel because after a few fail attempts, I just hate looking stupid anymore.

So this week has really been the pits. I feel so embarrassed I want to bury my head in the ground.

2 take home messages:

1. Do not overestimate your driving - check left, right, back and front before moving anywhere and do not take chances with estimation.
2. Do not bitch about anybody, and do not multitask while bitching because you'll end up SMS-ing the person you're bitching about. And trust me, life sucks really bad in that awful moment of realization of what you've done.

Our room toilet's broken. Well, someone broke the sink and so the water on that side of the house is shut off.

Dad insisted on writing a sign and sticking it on the door. Which I kept pooh-poohing at, because why would we need it? Nobody else is visiting the house.

Until 5 minutes ago when I grabbed my towel and headed to the toilet only to be faced with 'DO NOT USE TOILET - NO WATER'.

Dad's always right.

Wisdom Teeth Heaven on Flickr by vanessa.paxton

This is getting to be too much. I'm getting the brunt of these occupational hazards.

Sometime ago, I dreamt that my sister Adelia has actually been wearing dentures all her life. That as I was talking to her I suddenly saw her denture tipping, and how she was struggling to keep her upper denture in place. And I got so angry at my mother for not bringing her to see a dentist when she was younger, that she allowed this to happen to my sister. I kept feeling so heartbroken for her embarrassment and difficulty, that I wanted to cry.

Last night, I dreamt that something happened to Mom, that all her upper teeth and alveolar bone got bashed in. And that I was examining the teeth but they were all loose, even the bone was falling off. (Sorry for the gruesome details, but it doesn't disgust me at all.) And I was crying again on the inside because I couldn't save her teeth. I kept thinking that okay, it's just these 3 teeth, then I would touch another one and discover it to be just hanging on by a thread, and it became 4, then 5, then the whole arch. It was awful. I started racking my brains for how she could have implants or overdentures and felt so terrible because I didn't know how she would take it or how to break the news.

What horrible nightmares. Don't think it's the sort anyone else will have, a nightmare over not being able to save someone's teeth.

Yup, I had lots of fun yesterday. Jumping is my hobby. (:

Let It Snow on Flickr by Tony N.

I've been home a few days and I've not yet met up with D'gang. And for the first time, that feels all right!

Sometimes I try to imagine life before leaving Malaysia, when all I wanted to do after school was come home, watch TV, slack the day away. When I never yearned for anything more, never felt any void other than a curiosity for the great world out there. But I can't recapture that feeling.

It is the complete opposite nowadays, a deep restlessness and unsettledness in me, that I usually manifest as fear of a lot of things, mostly related to relationships. Oh what I would give for a deep sense of peace, an unshakable faith!

This Christmas, I really want to look at my life as a whole, to cherish all the good things I've been blessed with, and also be grateful for all the not so good things. For you don't know what you don't know until you learn it the hard way.

Would be awesome if Malaysia could snow for just one day. Say, every 25th of December?

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Met up with IMU mates again. It's really nice that although we only knew each other for one semester, we've managed to keep in touch. It may not be the deepest of friendships, but I like it. It brings back fond memories of a time that could have very easily just vanished from my life. My little stint at IMU sometimes doesn't seem to have happened, if it weren't for the fact that these people exist. I am terribly glad that there are people out there who still care about keeping relationships going.

Signs of Dementia

1) Coming back home and feeling like something's different but you just can't quite put your finger on it. Is the couch new? Is the bed shorter? Did the dog get fatter? Are these my real parents?

2) Walking into a room and not being able to remember why you walked there in the first place.

3) Forgetting what you did the day before, or the day before that, or the day before that. And as you scramble through your memories, all you see is this huge void. What day is it today, in fact?

4) Chanting a to do list mantra to yourself in the shower and forgetting it the minute you step out. E.g. Pack shoes, wear vest, file notes, clip nails can become pack vest, wear shoes, clip notes and file nails.

5) The worst is waking up just completely confused. Like sometimes, my eyes open and I am completely disorientated: What just happened? Where am I? Which room is this? Whaa...?? Usually it's because I slept the other way round on the bed the night before.

It happens.

Nice. Looks like they've revamped Changi Airport Terminal 1 in the 3 months that I was land bound. Now we budget travellers no longer have to feel inferior to the grandeur of Terminal 3. Was so unaccustomed to my new surroundings that I Travellator-ed past my gate. Too used to my gate being the last one.

Another pleasant surprise: They put me in row 3 - the hot row. Just happened to check my ticket as they were announcing the hot row seats, and voila! 3D. The perks of being Capt FCW's kid. First in and first out, yippee.

I am so mad though that I'm going to miss yet another family vacation! And to the U.S.A.! Mom's bringing everybody to Las Vegas and LA or something, but I've school. This is such a dental school phenomenon, I've heard of at least a couple of other classmates who've been abandoned by their family for vacations as well. Just because are lives are structured and regimented for us. :(

Just Believe

There are no limits to our dreams, just believe (Explore) !.
Originally uploaded by dizanotti

I'm very worried I'm not doing things the right way. So far, the best method for coping has been to not think about it and hope that when I wake up one day, it'll all be gone. Is that just a ticking bomb?

But I keep reminding myself that I've got to live the life I claim to believe. To live out that life means to believe that this is all part of a plan. That there's no room for sadness or melancholy, especially when deep down you know it's just familiarity and comfort drawing you back, nothing more.

Just believe and everything else falls away, like shedding your old skin.

Film Sleepy

Heard this on the radio today: About a poor director who kept getting reviews like 'Snoozefest' for her films. So she decided to become an entrepreneur and make films that intentionally put people to sleep. A genre called film sleepy.

I thought it was pretty amusing.

Something about this holiday feels different. Like my life is my own again and I've lots of plans, lots of motivation to do things.

The past 2? 3? breaks have been all about escaping, through sleep, through friends, through desperately doing things. I did as much as I could because I had to, or I'd have gone mental. This time there's no deep dark urgency. It feels... lighter.

Nice to notice these little signs of progress. (:

The Cinema Experience

Forgot how much fun movies can be when you're not watching a show after 12 hours in school and struggling to stay awake.

When movie watching is still a special occasion and not a weekly routine, it's actually pretty exciting. I love trailers! I like being wowed by information like: Tron which stars Olivia Wilde is by Disney. This is only an interesting piece of info because I follow E! Online on Twitter and Olivia Wilde said she tried to make herself ugly in this film so that she could be sexy in spite of herself.

I always make the same movie mistake, though. Believing that I am tough enough to stand the cold. Despite the million times I end up freezing in the cinema, I always leave the house with false confidence that this time I won't feel cold. Today I ended up sharing a scarf with Sa-ee, bless her presence.

The funniest part of the whole HP7 movie was when Ron disappeared after wearing the Horcrux and there was the scene where Hermione tied a scarf around a tree. Sa-ee turned to me and asked, 'Huh, so Ron turned into a tree?' At first I was so confounded that for a moment, I was racking my brains for any recollection of the book. Then I asked Athalie what happened to Ron. Then I realized how ridiculous it was and I had a major laughing fit. Every time I thought about it later on during the show, I would laugh to myself again.

HP7's not bad, by the way.

The occasion deserves a tribute: at long last, I can recuperate and get a life back. Praise the heavens!

Emotional Genes

You really are a product of your upbringing. Sometimes you dismiss a person's excuses as just blaming her family, not taking responsibility for her own actions. But you can't help but wonder how much of you resembles your father or mother, unconsciously.

Try as I might, I cannot help resembling my mother. It's not even a self fulfilling prophecy, a result of deciding beforehand the type of person I am and stepping into the role. Sometimes, I simply cannot control my emotional reactions of being jealous, upset, or wanting to be the most important person in someone else's life, craving attention.

I try to deny it but I am just as sensitive as my mother. The exact trait of hers that exasperates me is the same trait that I inherited.

Then again, my mother would be the person to tell me that this characteristic of mine is also my quality.

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Just had sharing session with the family. New Family Time. And Jaydon prays that God will make him strong enough to carry a 7 pound bowling ball, as well as teach him how to throw a ball properly.

God and Jesus are the people he loves the most-est, his Mom, Mama and Athalie most-er, and I am 3rd. Hmph! Not that I've the right to complain, when I'm always shooing him away. Guess I should be glad I'm even on his list.

Originally uploaded by traptor • tina crespo

Quite funny how I seem to think God can't understand dental terms when I pray to Him. I hesitate before mentioning technical terms, in the same way I choose words when explaining to a layperson.

Christmas is coming!