Klutz

Today, I smacked myself in the mouth with my articulator as I was cleaning it in the sink. (That's probably a glimpse of what can happen with brute force in a patient's mouth too. Note to self.)

It hurt because my tooth cut my own lip on the inside but most importantly, I was so worried that my tooth was avulsed. I kept touching it and hoping it hadn't fallen off because I have intimate history with hitting my front teeth. Not pretty. I think it says that if there's sulcular bleeding then it's been subluxated (i.e. moved but went back to it's original position). So am monitoring it. And that ulcer that developed.

What else in today's breaking news?

Oh I concluded that I look best from about 5 meters away and how good I look is inversely proportional to how close you are to me. Is that right? Or maybe proportional. Further distance, better looking.

Kay. That was a completely unfiltered post. I know I act like an attention craving 5 year old at times, with the most inane unfunny comments that I insist on repeating, wringing the life out of them. But I really only do it when I'm very comfortable with someone. Ironic how I can be more collected, calm, respectable and likeable when there's some distance between me and another person.

Can somebody knock some sense into my head? Every holiday, I lug home a big pile of books to KL, telling myself I'll read up for clinics, I'll study for tests, I'll prepare for lab. Each time I lug everything right back, untouched. And right now, I've reached Singapore, all ready to make up for lost time but I've agreed to go for supper. Kill meeee, my body's taken over my willpower! Now I'm looking at all the empty space on the table where I could've just left my books instead of taking them on a holiday in my luggage bag, never even seeing daylight.

Anyway, Shang dropped me off at KL Central where we parked. Opposite our car was good old WKP 819. So I left Dad a note which said,

Hello Dad! Shang dropped me off and I saw your car. Take care and love you! Alethea.

Which took me about 4 pens to write because every pen in Shang's dashboard ran out of ink. As I told Shang, 'Just let me get to my name! Or he'll be wondering who on earth it is.'

Of Backrubs & Footrubs

Foot Massage on Flickr by Myxi

I'm the typical Asian who does not speak up for herself. I hesitate to complain even when I find a bug in my food, a typo in my name in a certificate, or stains in a book I lent to a friend. When the Tiramisu I made that I was saving in the fridge disappeared and I found the empty cup in the sink, I didn't bother to call the person out even though I was pretty mad about it.

Likewise, when I get a massage, I never voice my complaints even when the masseuse is using too much or too little force. This has been very detrimental to my health, literally. The anticipation of getting a massage never dies off (probably from the memory of some very awesome massages in the past) but the anticipation usually highly, highly overestimates the actual experience.

I've endured more than one back rub where my entire body is so tense just trying to withstand the pain because the masseuse used so much pressure. I've found myself sweating buckets just from clenching my muscles so that I could better stand the agony. On the other hand, I've had such gentle massages that I came out feeling like little kittens walked over my back. Either way I'm too reluctant to speak up because I like different pressures at different areas and asking them to change usually means some parts always suffer from too much or lack of attention.

I don't know why I put myself through such torture. I don't quite think it serves the purpose when the lights come on and I walk out feeling more stiff and sore than when I walked in. The last foot reflexology shop I sat in, the only relief I felt was the intense lightness when she finally stopped murdering my foot.

I think rubs are only meant for non skinny people.

Lulls

Has anyone ever experienced friendship lulls? When you feel like you're doing all the initiating and saying hi but people don't seem too interested in reciprocating?

It can get pretty demoralizing, wondering if you're just indispensable to others. This is when being in a steady relationship can provide the security you need, knowing that someone's always got your back and is that 24/7 on call friend.

In times of crises, people bond in such incredible ways. The past year has brought me closer to so many people and we've done such fun spontaneous things just when we most needed it. But now that things are moving along with people starting work and meeting new potentials, it feels like we've separated again. Like that period was just something I imagined and if there weren't photos, I would have no proof it existed.

There's always only one thing to do - wait it out. And be patient that someone out there wants to spend as much time with you as you want with them.

December on Flickr by sugarock

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall
I'm just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need
Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know
Is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Gravity, Sara Bareilles

To Whom It May Concern,

Please take away global warming so I no longer have to shower so many times a day. Please turn the Earth on its axis just a little so Malaysia isn't so close to the equator anymore. I'd like to wake up in comfort and not sweat for just one day. I'd like to walk around the house without wondering if I have a fever, or if it's just the humidity.

Either that or give me a free vacation somewhere cool again.

Sincerely,
Ale

Dad & Sports

Playing with Dad is the most stressful experience of any sporting activity.

Case in point.

We booked a tennis court today and there were 4 players, me, Aggie, Adelia and Dad. Right away, we were all shaking our heads and shoving each other to be the sacrificial pair to play against Dad. Because it is a known fact since childhood (since the days of him teaching us sports) that when you cannot return a shot, or you fumble, or you make a stupid move, that Dad will get mad.

This is something we've learnt to endure. Once upon a time, when Dad started yelling or walking off within 10 mins of the game, we'd get really upset. Sometimes we'd get teary-eyed and the whole family mood would just sink. The entire hour of the game was not at all fun because we were just so pressured not to screw up too badly.

Let's face it, none of us are any good. We're shit at sports. It takes me a whole hour to remember how to place my grip on the racquet properly so that my ball stops flying 10 meters into the air.

So now we just take it with a pinch of salt. Trudge onto the tennis court and keep a cheery smile on even when we know Dad's face is getting sourer and sourer. When he starts scowling and shaking his head in frustration, we just keep laughing harder at all our missed balls.

Better than being like the player next court screaming, 'WHAT THE HECK?' and 'OH MY GOD' every five minutes, right? I suspect that's what Dad realized too, that his 3 lousy cheerful daughters had much better temperament than the crazy boy next door. Because his mood lifted towards the end as he was mimicking the kid.

Personal Reflections (Caution: Not For General Consumption)

I've been spending every bit of my free time on things that instantly gratify me: going out, watching show after show after show, the Internet, shopping. I feel so relieved whenever I find something fun and light hearted to occupy any empty time in my schedule, because I'm so afraid of what will happen, what I will feel, if it's just me left to face that void by myself. As a result, I've lost all ambition, focus, drive and hardly spend any time with God as well.

So that's reminder number one for yours truly.

Secondly, I think I finally get what it means to be humble. To be really stripped of pride, to not envy or covet another's possessions, physical attributes or success because none of it, none of it can be credited to man. All this need I feel to prove myself worthy, more attractive, smarter has nothing to do with glorifying God but all to do with my own pride. I mean this is pretty obvious stuff, but I just don't know how to put into words that clarity I suddenly got about it. Why should I feel upset that someone else is 'superior' to me because to be upset would be to have pride that I want to be better. Why should I require recognition for being intelligent, good looking or having a better personality/character because to need that validation would mean I have pride. It would mean that man's approval matters more to me than God's.

By and large this is all very general for me right now. I can see how applying it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary over thinking and silly stress the past year, but I'm not sure if things were to happen again I could do it differently.

My Johnny Depp Vampire

Just woke up from the craziest dream.

I was on vacation somewhere with my family, somewhere cold and wintry. And my first recollection of the dream is being held by a dreamy young Johnny Depp-like vampire. I can't remember how we met (the feel I get is that I did something nice for him) and suddenly he was stuck beside me like glue after staring at my face forever. I remember thinking, crap, my forehead has those zits. Lol. It was strange that my whole family did find it weird I suddenly had this dark creature holding on to me, but they seemed quite accepting of it.

At one point, Johnny Depp led me into a waltz which I picked up quickly and he was impressed. Then suddenly, everyone left the scene, just me and him and this old receptionist (who looked like the security guard Kok & I chatted to at FDI). She started showing us all her broken down teeth, some being replaced by gold. Out of nowhere she started saying she could recognize vampires (using strange Malay terms that I somehow understood) but not other supernatural creatures. But I couldn't tell if she had vampire canines since the tips of her canines were all attrited. Haha!

We tried to leave, and suddenly she was at the door (just like a movie). We ran to the other door, about to take off and suddenly she was there as well. And Johnny Depp suddenly turned into this humongous scary bat-like thing that I was supposed to sit on and we plunged downwards like a free fall or bungee. My stomach died, even in my sleep.

Sparing you the travel details, we flew up and down looking for my room at Block C Room 622 (coincidentally my hotel room in Perth) which we kept getting lost locating. Met the same scary girl with a baby we'd met earlier who kept wanting to see what Johnny was suddenly holding (a lump of mud, but we were pretending it was a baby) and pestering us to join her daycare. (WTH, really.)

A la horror movie, we made it up scary steps to my room. All I remember is the final agenda was for us to stay together for 1 month. Once the vampire picks his target companion, they'll be in love, etc for a month after which he forgets her but she never forgets him. Although somewhere along our flight, I thought I saw a girl recognize JD but when I looked at what she was looking at, it wasn't him. So maybe the girl does forget too.

And I remember JD telling me not to waste time on trivial things, for we only had one month together. I was still wondering if this was the right and Godly thing to participate in, haha. But JD was so hot!

Sigh, I wish some dreams were real.

10 Malaysian Fun Facts

Happy Belated Hari Malaysia!

10. The word “Malay” comes from the other word “malaise.” Apparently it’s because the Malays are so lazy and mediocre, so the white folks named them that.

9. The word “keling” comes from the noises made by the balls-and-chains of Indian prisoners who were sent to Malaya way back then. Or was it because the Indians used to sell ice-cream in the estates?

8. Chinese associations in Malaysia are actually secret societies that are plotting to take over the Malaysian government and then merge it with Singapore’s.

7. Eating pork makes you good at mathematics. That’s why there are so many Chinese accountants.

6. Indian children are full of lice... so stay away from them.

5. Chinese people like to drive Toyota Camrys.

4. Malay people like to drive Honda Accords.

3. Indian people like to drive purple Proton Sagas or Iswaras.

2. Beware of Chinese ladies who drive with elbow-length gloves. They are trained to run you down. They usually drive Toyota Camrys.

1. Tapai is halal.

Taken from my new go to website for staying Malaysian. They're jokes, guys, jokes. Take it easy.

Vote!

Stef just mentioned that we're now of voting age. Is that insane or what? Sadly, I've no idea what's going on with the M'sian political scene. Where's Shahril when you need him, man.

Google and The Malaysian Insider seem to suggest they're coming up somewhere in 2012. Ah, not within my foreseeable future as of now. There are still state elections ongoing, though, I think? All my knowledge about our political system disappeared along with recycling my high school text books.

Let Me Stay Like This Forever

Does it make me a big baby (instead of an almost 23 year old adult - ugh damn it) that I want to stay on holiday forever and never go back to school? School really sucks. What's in school sucks more. And memories suck worse while imagining sucks most of all. I have such a great vocabulary. 8-D

Never mind. What to do.

I miss being in Perth. Is it possible to apply for a job that constitutes being good at taking vacations? You guys remember The Best Job In The World? Starting to think my life's destiny is just bumming around.

Played tennis and table tennis yesterday however. If you could call it that. Tennis, I played for about half an hour in the blazing sun till I gave up because the soles of my shoes were peeling off in parts. Eventually I just sat in the shade and kept score, doubling as the slacker ballboy.

And table tennis, I played for the first time ever. It was really difficult at first because I kept missing the ball with my short stump of a bat (when I'm so used to a different racquet length). It's just as hard switching from tennis to badminton sometimes. But I eventually got the hang of it and I realize it's so much more satisfying than tennis. So much less running around just to miss the ball and so much less effort picking up balls. The up/down side is there's very little exertion and sweat.

I really want to spend the rest of my time wisely. Before I go back there.

On Flickr by frl. zucker

I would if I could. Everyday of my life. Just sit there, content and blissful.

Bookworm

Right. So Adelia and Aggie say we're all getting up at 4am tomorrow to watch the postponed Nadal-Djokovic match. Good luck dragging me out of bed.

Finally made it to the bookstore today and bought:

Breakfast at Tiffany's
Eat Pray Love
The Great Gatsby

Let's hope I make time to read them (after I'm done with BSF & reading up on school stuff).

The Bird

There's a place called The Bird very near my house. I've only been there twice or thrice but my family probably eats there pretty often. I've never taken photos or kept track of what I've eaten but so far it's always been tasty. So here's a review I found that should give more detail, haha.

A unique selling point would be that one of the co-owners won some Astro singing competition (correct me if I'm wrong, it's only hearsay) and every weekend he sings Chinese songs on the karaoke machine at night. So if you're a patron at his restaurant and you're sitting inside, be prepared to put down your utensils and clap every few minutes.

Wonder why they don't pack up and move somewhere more prominent, expand or something. It's such an ulu location.

It's quite a bummer that the only way to have a good time seems to involve spending loads of money. I want to go out with my friends and all I can think of are expensive dinners, entertainment or travelling, all which require moolah. The only thing that comes free is exercise but by the time I get in the mood the weather gets rainy.

How come everybody seems so busy nowadays? Somehow had gotten used to going out every single second of the day the last term break.

Shall try to find some project to embark on this week, on top of reading up on notes and doing BSF homework.

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Sorry for the tissue paper wastage but it's seriously the allergies.

Perth

I feel SO fat. Eating's my main purpose in life these days, I think about what to get for brekky, what to get for lunch and what to eat for dinner. The fact that food was so expensive in Perth just made me want to eat all the more. At least I found yummy wholegrain chips there! I think my time of eating indiscriminately is coming to an end. The state of flat tummy-ness is soon to be no more. BOO.

Some highlights of the trip:

Cycling on Rottnest Island. That was just super fun! I felt like a kid again, getting onto a bike and just gaping at the scenery around me, the gorgeous barrenness of the trees and rocks and dirt. It was so new and exciting at first that I kept stopping to take pictures. It is most unfortunate nobody warned me that there were supposed to be venomous snakes in the region. Good thing I didn't go traipsing into the bushes. It was only about 4km in that I realized I was dying (my lungs and chest were feeling all strained), especially with the many uphills.

Feel like some office person, cycling to work in the country side.

The to-die-for sea and outback views more than made up for it. The hardest part was when it suddenly started raining. And when I felt all sweaty underneath my coat but so cold outside from the breeze yet so burnt from the sun. My body was all confused as to what the temperature was. And at one point after/during the rain, the wind was so strong I kept wondering why I was pedaling so hard but not moving at all up the hill. I realized that the wind was blowing me backwards and making me swerve to the right, so I gave up and walked. Again.

Kings Park. I am certainly not a green thumb enthusiast like Mom, but even I was bowled over by all the flowers. Kay, I know only about 3 species (rose, daisy, tulip, bougainvillea, orchid - yay, more than 3!) so I kept making up names. I'd think to myself, 'Oh man, the hydrangeas are so pretty!' or 'Those frangipanis are so cute!' when I've no idea what they're called. That's what happens when you read but have no clue what the real thing is.

Fungus among the vines that I made her pose for.

It was just so clean and refreshing and what a real park is supposed to feel like. To walk around and feel all rejuvenated and happy just being around nature. Maybe I gotta rethink the kind of climate person I am.

Big Bag of Insecurities

~ Im not in control, so let me go; release me. ♥ on Flickr by ✿ La Coccinelle ~ {Angie}

Traveling always makes me emotional. It just emphasizes the feeling of time passing, things changing and the past never returning.

So I couldn't help but feel a strong surge of unwanted emotions this morning. Probably after sleeping at 4 am and getting up at 6.30am for my flight as well.

Today, like on many other instances, I just felt so damned sure it was completely my fault. So ashamed and embarrassed by how lousy I was, the things I did to drive you away. I think about how unfair the circumstances were, that you came at a time when I was so vulnerable that I hadn't yet discovered myself as an individual. That I made you my everything, and by result became so dependent, clingy, needy and in short not fun to be around anymore. I feel so deeply frustrated and humiliated that this is the only image you have left of me, that in your mind I am nothing in comparison with what you have.

I wish life lessons could be learnt in a pre-real life setting, like in a classroom. So that you don't mess up the precious few real life chances you get.

But that was just Emo Me purging. Before I remembered how there's always 2 hands clapping and 2 parties to cause a breakdown.

All's good now. :D I love being home!

Express Service

Flower. [Explore] on Flickr by guilherme-pavan

I struggle with expressing this particular feeling I get, especially with certain songs. It's like feeling my heart swell, and the enormity of life's unknown possibilities and regrets and potential happiness just overwhelming me. It's just a feeling, one that I get when I feel so close to a person, or suddenly so appreciative of my life. Or when I suddenly look at my life as a whole, with its pains and joys.

Yea, I'm not really normal. That should summarize everything.

Holyday

Once again, going for dance after having gone clubbing till 5am the night before is a BAD IDEA. First of all, you wake up feeling like shit at 12pm. Then you try to do the warm ups at dance and realize you ache all over and have difficulty breathing.

I should have stopped at the peak at Butter last Friday, when I felt super high dancing (without booze). You should always end on a high because the next session will always suck in comparison. But I did make new eccentric friends. I love it when I meet really interesting people that broaden my stereotypes.

Watching the vetting and the awesome items has made me regret not taking part in The Next Wave. I really really love some of the choreography and concepts, some of which make me feel like crying. But it's been so long since I've performed and learnt choreography properly that I really doubt I can do it anymore.

It's also really nice to see familiar faces joining Dance Ensemble, people I've known in JC. It just makes it so much more of a family, in a place I've always felt left out (because I'm such an aloof person at first meeting). It makes me glad I've stuck with this because it's one of the things that give meaning to my life.

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It's so late and my flight's at 9am. Good luck to meeeee.

Oh, I plan to take lots of photos in Perth. Or at least delegate my sister to taking photos. At least 1000. Cannot WAIT!

Old is Gold

I feel like a really lazy writer now that everything I do is so easy on my Tumblr, with instant gratification. It just looks pretty without effort.

Tonight I realized that I should try harder to make some amends. I miss life where friendships were easy, where I never once got into a fight (I think) or conflict because I just couldn't take anyone being upset with me or not liking me. Either that or I just became apathetic to a friend's lack of interest in me. It used to hurt really badly though, still does, when someone stops caring about you.

I've grown settled in my ways, my life without certain people. And I'm happy. But there is some unfinished business and some old gold friendships I should try to save. So I will. God willing. :)