Sigh, next term is my make or break term. And I'm really scared. After that it'll be year 4 and it feels like no more time.

Clinics are so stressful. Dentistry is so stressful.

Signed and Stamped Thumbelina cel set-up
Originally uploaded by scadspc

Let me be your wings
Let me be your only love
Let me take you far beyond the stars
Let me be your wings
Let me lift you high above
Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours
Anything that you desire
Anything at all
Everyday I'll take you higher
And I'll never let you fall

Let me be your wings
Leave behind the world you know
For another world of wondrous things
We'll see the universe
And dance on Saturn's rings
Fly with me and I will be your wings

Anything that you desire
Anything at all
(Anything at all)
Everyday I'll take you higher
And I'll never let you fall

You will be my wings
(Let me be your wings)
You will be my only love
Get ready for another world of wondrous things

We'll see the universe
And dance on Saturn's rings
Heaven isn't too far
Heaven is where you are
Stay with me and
Let me be your (You will be my) wings

-----
So many old cartoons I like were by this Don Bluth guy. Wonder what happened to him, and when Walt Disney became the king instead. Shrug.

Mr KJI

What with the latest megalomania going on in the world, I came across this website in Google. Not knowing much before about Kim Jong Il, I am now very enlightened.

An American Tail

An American Tail Originally uploaded by clactonradio

Feels so different to watch things then and now. I remember all the tunes but watching with understanding actually gives the show a plot. So what do kids really absorb when they're watching? I know I always felt sad during this show, because it was also my worst fear to be separated from my family, and to know that my parents would be crying and terrified to have lost me.

Some running commentary while I'm watching:

Wow, the Mousekewitz were Russian immigrants to America!
They actually thought there were no cats in America??
Fievel was such a naughty kid, not unlike another naughty kid I know.
Groan, Fievel and his family crossed paths so many times...
So cute, the mice children are voiced by kids who sing off pitch.
What the, where's part 6 on YouTube???
Bleh.
Guess I'll just watch Fievel Goes West. Come to think of it, I actually liked that sequel so much more.

Diet Plan

This blog has become entirely frivolous and personal, all about me me me. Well, it always has been, but when it first started, I used to try to write meaningful stuff. Now, it's just this diary, because I love writing in diaries, but my handwriting is really awful. Typing's second nature.

I resolve to become healthier (amongst other things like more organized, more optimistic and more spiritual). Realize my body's becoming cranky. Can't do anymore of the late night suppers, binge eating, frequent snacking. Can't do anymore of the morning, afternoon, night spicy food. I keep getting indigestion and tummy aches. Not to mention my teenage acne has continued as adult acne. New studies need to be done to correct all those puberty acne lies.

So here's a sample of my new life routine I have in mind:

Standard weekday (only excerpts of the healthy life aspect)
0630: Milo/Nestum/Milk
1300: Fish soup and rice, juice
2030: Mama's cooking (a well balanced plate of food, no seconds)
2200: Brisk walk/run

Standard weekend
1200: Packed rice (veg, meat, 3rd healthy choice) OR sandwich with ham, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes OR fish soup and rice
1800: Another healthy dinner with proper food pyramid portions
2200: Brisk walk/run

Note: No suppers, no oily/fatty food, no fast food, no junk food, no spicy food

I can do it.

Flashback

thrifted ohio art toy tv on Flickr by doe-c-doe

ZOMG. I am rewatching the Chipmunk Adventure for the 2nd time in a week. Haha!

Was reminiscing the good oldies with Ruthie and realized how it's always the songs that give me the strongest connection to the show. I don't know who to thank for this but I do remember always having soundtracks of the shows and memorizing all the songs to all the Disney shows. Playing them over and over again and singing along with my sisters. Watching the same old tapes on the VCR again and again, lying on the mattress on the floor.

I had such a wonderful childhood.

It's also so interesting how everyone grew up with such different childhood shows, and how some people watched the same ones while others didn't. Wonder if it's a culture thing or a generational thing. Or just the amount of exposure you get, considering how most of our awesome tapes were bought by my parents for sure. I have them to thank for all my beloved old cartoons.

And how I miss LDs! Going to the LD shop and browsing the huge huge plastic covers, smelling the plastic, and renting the latest movie out. Bringing it home, taking out the large disc and holding it just that way before putting it in. There was never the problem of quality unlike the pirated VCDs we also bought.

And music cassettes! My first Britney Spears' album was a cassette! It had an A side and a B side, with Baby One More Time on side A and Email My Heart on side B. Ruth just reminded me rewinding - oh goodness, rewinding, what an ancient notion! I could never figure out which side had to face out to play the side. And I still remember our old gray stereo with the transparent hinge opening door for the cassette.

How blessed I was and I never even realized it. How amazing that this is the kind of warmth and tenderness one can feel towards their past, all thanks to loving and amazing parents.

Feeling really blah this week. About school, about people and about myself.

Need a pick-me-upppp.

Whatever, and who cares seem to be constants in my self comfort vocabulary these days.

Suddenly just felt so helpless again, watching how solid and steady others are, how they're progressing. While I feel absolutely no confidence trying again and no more illusions as to how perfect it can be.

Okay, moment over. Back to positivity and optimism!

On A Roll

Movies I've watched in the past few days:

The Parent Trap
A Chipmunk Adventure
The Emperor's New Groove
Peter Pan
Lady and the Tramp

Oldies are the best.

Peter Pans Out

I am majorly disappointed.

I think I really dreamt up that whole scene in Peter Pan. I've rewatched the show a few times (and there's only the recent sequel, right?) but it doesn't exist. :(

It goes something like Wendy doing all the washing of the clothes in this outdoor scene for the Lost Boys. Then they show hut by hut of the Lost Boys' houses (I vaguely remember a mushroom shaped home) and Wendy's washing by the water. I can picture it clearly still, after so many years.

Looks like it was just a long ago dream.

-----
Eep! I just finished rewatching the cartoon and another thing I remember seems to also be a figment of my imagination! I dreamt that at the end, the ship sent all the different kids home to their individual families. Okay, I bet this was in the live movie version. I can't be that imaginative.

Mind Theory

Sounds like something I read in A Beautiful Mind. Speaking of which, where did that book go? Starting with Stieg Larsson's series now, with titles of all those exotic girls kicking and killing exotic animals. It's nice to have a popular series set in Sweden, where they talk about European places like people would talk about New York or London, like 'Oh, this old famous place which everybody knows.' Awesome.

So my new theory which I came up with while arguing with Lian-ee was on why I always study with the TV or a computer show playing. I used to never do that, back when I was young and my mind was untarnished. But nowadays, I do it for a couple of reasons.

First, my mind's always wandering. So TV plays the role of the wandering mind. With my mind trying to multitask and working on not paying attention to the background noise, it focuses on my notes the same way I would try not to think about other things while I study without noise. So instead of my mind finding its own thoughts to get distracted by, I put it to work trying not to be distracted by the white noise.

The other way it works is by just exhausting myself with watching shows either before or in between studying. Till my mind's so tired that it can't get distracted anymore and everything I read is absorbed just like that. This is also the same theory of why studying very late at night or very early in the morning (i.e. when you're supposed to be asleep) is great, because you're half asleep so you only have the energy to focus on one thing, the words in front of you.

I always feel so pleased when I understand myself a little better every day.

Bad Hair Day on Flickr by lighthack

The ironic thing about good hair days is that they don't happen when you need them. Instead it's when you're sitting at home all alone on a Saturday night, eating instant noodles you cooked that your hair has the perfect shape and waviness, and your not greasy, not flat, not flyaway fringe falls perfectly over your forehead.

Life's usually like that.

My Heart on Paper on Flickr by Sasha Bell

Watched RED today with the line, after Nasi Padang at Zion Road. I love Malay food, even more than I like Indian food. Except that there were no veggies, but otherwise I could have stuffed my face forever. Probably just Boon & I were still going on while the others had put their spoon and fork down.

RED's nice. I don't watch TV anymore so I had no idea what the show was going to be about. Imagined it to be some artsy French movie, but right, should have known better. It was pretty funny, though. And pretty obvious that some jokes were only funny to the 4 or 5 of us. Like the 'dentist' joke the crazy old man made. And I am still quite tickled by my year 1 junior, who I realize is a little blur (if you're reading this, I mean it as an endearing trait). He tried to tell Anwar where he was waiting, but couldn't pronounce L'Occitane so we moved location (actually, I forgot too how to say the name). And he turned around and lost us when we just walked a few meters away.

All in all, it's nice to have a full social life again. It's nice not to feel like someone's missing in my life. I didn't realize how long I'd been running on Crazy Mode, but ever since I got attached in JC, I've been mentally exhausted for years. And this long long dry spell has semi restored me back to my teenage care-free years. I hope I stay there for awhile longer, recuperate some more. :)

Walk Briskly

Ahhhh. Body feels back on track! Forgot that Lian-ee's always on for exercise. So now, whenever I feel like a dental chair potato, I'll grumble to her and she'll immediately bring us out for a walk. That's twice in a week already. To run is so intimidating, but to walk - it implies scenic views, nice fresh air, space to clear your head. But if you walk long and fast enough, you get almost as good results. Running always feels awful, until it's over, then you feel awesome. Think I'm going to convert to a brisk walker from now.

So tonight we went to Seletar Reservoir again. There were at least 50 cars parked there but hardly 3 or 4 groups of people walking around. It's pretty gross that they're doing whatever they're doing in such close proximity to each other. Bleugh.

Oh, and I feel awful. I killed a snail. Crushed its shell. And may have sent another flying into the air with a kick.

2 weeks of school left, and the thought of hols is so refreshing! This term has been so crazy slack, it's like a taste of working life. But hols trump school any day.

Internet Identity

Modern day kitty gets the mouse!
Originally uploaded by tryingtolearn USA

Ever feel like some people are much easier to talk to online than in person?

I mean, it's a common issue, always appearing in columns, about how the modern generation has lost the art of conversation. Of how people feel less inhibited online, and their true (?) personality comes on. People sound funnier, have sharper wit, have more time to think about replies and can say things they normally wouldn't dare to try face to face.

However, I think that a big factor is your own imagination, not so much the actual person you're talking to. Behind the screen, you're just talking to a stream of words. Without a face or a voice, without intonation or expression, those words could come from anybody. It's easy to visualize and superimpose your own fantasy onto the person you're talking to. If you're lonely enough, every sentence can sound like a flirtatious line. Everything they say could have a double meaning. Anyone can feel close to someone they're chatting to, just by (mis)interpreting things the way they like it.

So kids, the Internet is a dangerous place.

-----
I have 3 sets of different sized rubber pieces for my earphones. I lost one of the M sized pair. While opening the case to exchange it for the S sized pair, I lost an S sized earpiece. So now I only have L sized ones. Annoying.

I like the Time & Reader's Digest subscriptions that come in regularly. I read Times like it's an English oral examination. I just feel pleased when I can follow whatever global happenings is printed on the pages. I feel smart for about 5 minutes then just forget everything. If you ask me anything about current affairs, I will stare at you blankly.

Reader's Digest: Ah, the light stuff. Life tips, like how to put aspirin on your zit. Jokes, 3-4 sections of jokes that I immediately flip through when I get my hands on the paperback.

Yup, lazy Saturdays.

Old Me Has Gotta Go

I've learnt an insane amount from the past 2 years. And most times my mind is so lucid, I can see so clearly what I must implement. I can see that I need to get rid of clingy, insecure, emotional, crazy sms-ing me. Not just to redeem myself (which is my desperate driving force) but for my own good. Because I aspire to be a chillax girl, a girlfriend who my guy finds comfort being himself with, not stress and anxiety trying to comfort.

But it's all too easy to fall back. To be triggered by memories to react the way my old self would. And to wake up the next day extra depressed that instead of reminding the person of who he fell in love with, you're reminding him of who he broke up with.

So I need to quit this habit.

And ultimately, I gotta do it for myself. Nobody else. So that I respect and love the person I am.

So I vow to get closer to God, to truly be transformed from inside. So that my change towards naturally positive thoughts is not forced behaviour but who I truly am from within.

:D

I am close to puking, from overeating. Had XO Sly Fish Noodles at Dover with the guys where I consumed to bursting. On the train home, I started getting phone calls from home asking why I was never home. Feels like JC all over again. So to pacify the home folks, I said I was on the way back and would be eating. Am eating my 2nd dinner now.

This week has been good, except for the horrible sinusoidal pattern of that part of my life. Someday, I am going to just cut out my heart and feed it to the dogs. Then I can continue my future peacefully, devoid of painful feelings.

So a few days ago, I woke up with a huge swollen eye. This is not the first time exciting things have happened to me when I regain consciousness. About 2 days ago, I woke up and went to the loo, blind as a bat as usual, when I felt liquid suddenly gush out my nose, and I knew from vast experience it was blood. Don't ask me why.

Think my eye has healed sufficiently that I can wear contact lenses. This is not per doctor's instructions (who told me twice clearly that I could not wear lenses for 2 weeks, after which she broke it down to 4 days + 10 days, to be more explicit). But I think my conjunctiva can handle it.

My eye, it BURNS.

Just tried the new antibiotic ointment given to me by the ophthalmologist. The pharmacist told me not to let the nozzle touch anything, to just squeeze it into my lower lid and let it swirl around to reach my upper lid.

At first nothing came out, then like freaking ketchup the ointment couldn't stop coming out. So much for not touching the nozzle, I wiped it again and again on the tissue, held it with pressure but the ointment just kept oozing out like a worm, if I didn't cap it, it probably would have oozed out a Guinness World Record length of 100 meters. It probably came out 1 meter's worth already (I kid you not).

And 10 seconds into application, my eye burned so much I washed it off anyway.

Class95 and their love songs. Listened to 3 emo songs in succession and almost disappeared into myself.

Whitney Houston's All At Once
Eric Clapton's Blue Eyes Blue
Colbie Caillat's I Never Told You

Malaysian Malay Wedding on Flickr by NPNG!

Walked past a ginormous entourage of motorcyclists today, posse to a Malay wedding car. They were honking and revving their bikes, creating a huge racket below the HDB flat.

And then the smell of Malay food reached our noses. Not too sure what the distinct smell is, but it's probably rendang, curry, sambal and all those spicy spices.

Seeing all those Malay folk dressed up for a wedding made me suddenly miss one thing for the first time: Malaysia's multicultural friendships. Never really appreciated the different-ness of being in my friends' houses, like Nat and Golo (let's not talk about Shang who's never let us in to her house without force, haha), and the awesome food. And just being in a different kind of atmosphere and vibe, where the house layout is different, the furniture's unique, and the religious idols/decorations/ornaments are the identity of the person. You're a little more wary of your actions and mannerisms, because you're afraid to do something that will be out of culture or offensive.

Takes me back to my childhood, or more accurately, teenagehood. How marvelous it is the way friendships blossom, from tentative self invites to each others' houses to treating each others' homes like your own home. How shy people like me meet more vibrant, exciting people like some friends of mine and start to open up. Start to be less hesitant in giving and taking in the friendship, less careful and ultimately, much closer as friends.

Just Googled Malay wedding pictures and the photos reminded me of the awesome Malay wedding processions, with the shiny fake tree fronds and the awesome kompang!

Back to the Malay wedding. I really really wanted to just pop by and say 'Tahniah!' and hope they'd invite me for their kenduri.

Getting desperate. Must. Use. Shades. Must. Go. Out. In. Daylight.

How about an East Coast Park Outing?

Just Say No

Just say NO! on Flickr by grl_interrupted

There are 2 things in life (and more, but currently 2) I just cannot say no to. When the impulse comes, it seems like the greatest idea in the world and I start feeling like doing it will make me feel happy, doing it is good and fine and dandy. Then the next day I just feel like slapping myself.

So to one, I'm going to strive harder to JUST SAY NO. To the other, I've been telling myself to stop for ages. But I don't know.

I know I'm doing a lot of things just to occupy my time so that I don't feel anything. And it feels good to get attention from someone in that past life, even though I know the person's nature. It just feels good to be cared for, that you're indispensable to his friends, even if you are to him. But I didn't realize how much it sucked to know I'm investing more into it than the reciprocating party once again. How lame it felt to stay back and wait, only to be the outsider to the scene.

Which would've been okay, except that being the outsider with nothing to talk about, no common grounds for conversations brought me back to how awful it felt when I went out with your friends at first. How scared I was and how worried I was that I couldn't click with them, because I didn't live the life any of you had and I didn't have the confidence that anything I said would interest them. The worst part was knowing deep down that I didn't have that with you either. That I couldn't turn to you for comfort and security in the knowledge that we were tight so it didn't matter if me and your friends couldn't connect. The worst part was secretly feeling and knowing that the two most important people, you and I, couldn't connect either.

And tonight brought it all back. The helpless feeling of wanting so much to be with someone but not knowing how to connect with the person. Wanting to feel so safe in the little bubble of having common interests, inside jokes, reading each others' minds with just half a sentence said, but having much too few of those moments. Just too few to be worth salvaging. Maybe even none at all.

Never would've thought it would feel this bad, caring for somebody you just can't emotionally or intellectually get on the same page with. And trying your best to stop picturing how someone else can.

Jigsaw Puzzles

jigsaw piece, on Flickr by emma spanton

They used to be my life. After the Barbie phase.

They would be my incentive for studying. I'd work hard to get top positions, just for the moment where I could step into Jigsaw World in the shopping mall, and get my hands on one of the latest jigsaw puzzles. There would be shelf after shelf of beautiful beautiful puzzle boxes, even a room with glow in the dark puzzles displayed. And I would slowly challenge myself with bigger and bigger sizes, up till 2000 pieces. I loved those panoramic jigsaws from Disney!

The jigsaw routine would be to set up a large mahjong table (or two) and slowly begin somewhere, anywhere, by referencing the puzzle box cover. Jigsaws have to be built in parts, because it's so difficult to do it systematically. So the table becomes full of separate growing islands, and it's so exhilarating when you find the one piece that joins the two islands into a peninsula.

I'd work into the night, and sometimes get annoyed that nobody was helping me. But then I'd go to sleep, and sometimes the next day, some new pieces would be added, and I knew that Dad or one of my sisters had been to work (or kaypohed) while I was asleep. A few times, I'd find a totally wrong piece put in in the wrong direction or something, and I usually suspected it was Adelia (who was less coordinated at that time) or Mom (who is less coordinated most times).

My biggest regret has always been the world map jigsaw puzzle which I had to abandon. Probably 2000 pieces (don't think I ever tried a 3000 or 4000?). But I'll have to confirm, IF the box still exists. Large parts were already coming together, but life got in the way and I never got around to finishing it. It collected dust for months until finally, I had to clear the table to make space for guests. My jigsaw puzzle making bedroom had to make way for visitors, and I was forced to break it down into parts and put it back into the box. I tried my best to preserve it, but I never went back to finish it. And probably never will.

I'll never forget that puzzle.

Someday, I am going to rediscover that hobby. The only problem is the lack of wall space and aesthetic cohesiveness of the puzzles. The only way to save your finished work is to frame, and the only way to display them is to hang them up. Which is what has happened to my family home, a big eclectic mish-mash of puzzles on every wall surface.

Anyone know how else to archive completed puzzles?

School

Every term, there are about 9 or 10 weeks. In between, there are 3 or 4 weeks of holidays.

Every term, I claw my way through the weeks, to live to see the holidays.

Every time I come back to school, I go through the first few weeks in the 'Back From Holidays' mood. I do things like school is a foreign concept, I procrastinate, and I keep wanting to go home early and not put in any effort, because I can't get out of the holiday spirit.

Nearing the end of term, towards the last few weeks, I get into the 'Holidays Are Coming' mood, and I start leaving school early again, leaving my work for next term, procrastinating patient lab work, coming in to school late, because I'm already preparing for the holiday spirit.

That leaves about 1 week in between for any actual productivity. This term, that one week has come and gone. I think it was last week, when I actually stayed back to set up denture teeth and actually rushed my FP so I could take the competency.

It's the end of week 6, and it's practically the start of hols for me. Whee.

The Theory of Omens

Keep Calm & Carry On [e] on Flickr by drenay dreanna [craving Bieber]

My lab partner believes in signs. Not the alien kind, but good and bad luck events that determine if it's your 'Make or Break Day'. In his words, 'Make It or Break It Day'.

So, yesterday, I was hoping to squeeze 2 patients into one session. And while we were queueing for herbal soup in Science, suddenly the 'Black Herbal Chicken' sign was slapped onto the 'Available' board just right above my head, when it was my turn to order. Right there and then, I knew I was going to make it. Black Herbal Chicken's my favourite flavour, incase you couldn't tell. And yes, yesterday was a pretty good day.

This morning, a very mysterious incident occurred. I took the lift, which is unusual (since I live one floor above ground) and in the lift was this 50-60 year old man. He was very smiley and said good morning a few times and held the lift door for me to exit. So I walked out of the condo all the way to cross the road where I wait at the bus stop every morning. As I was in the middle divider of the road, I noticed this sedan driving at about 10km/h, super slow mo, everybody behind overtaking him. I remember thinking, 'Gosh who's this learner driver at such an early hour?'

To my surprise, the car rolled to a stop in front of me (still on the lane further away from the divider) and it was the old man! He asked, 'You heading to town?' and I was so stunned, I gave my auto polite stranger face and replied, 'No, it's okay' with a genial smile. And he looked pretty embarrassed as he rolled up his window quickly and drove away. My eyeballs were almost popping out honestly.

Next in my exciting life: I finally went jogging after months! Gosh, I felt so happy running, finally lifting my foot more than a few inches off the floor, finally feeling blood rush to my head. Then I got a left thumb cramp. Which sucked a little.

And now I'm feeling very pleased, because I opened the fridge and found Pokka Cloudy Apple flavour drink! I don't know what that is, but it tastes really thirst quenching. Loves.

Tonight, I also renew my vow to stay strong, be patient, endure, keep optimistic, more fervently banish bad thoughts of the future and past from my mind, and to just be the best person I can be. Sunshine and laughter. Rainbows and butterflies. Birds and the bees. Lady and the tramp. Walt Disney. I can go on forever.