I know I'm doing a lot of things just to occupy my time so that I don't feel anything. And it feels good to get attention from someone in that past life, even though I know the person's nature. It just feels good to be cared for, that you're indispensable to his friends, even if you are to him. But I didn't realize how much it sucked to know I'm investing more into it than the reciprocating party once again. How lame it felt to stay back and wait, only to be the outsider to the scene.

Which would've been okay, except that being the outsider with nothing to talk about, no common grounds for conversations brought me back to how awful it felt when I went out with your friends at first. How scared I was and how worried I was that I couldn't click with them, because I didn't live the life any of you had and I didn't have the confidence that anything I said would interest them. The worst part was knowing deep down that I didn't have that with you either. That I couldn't turn to you for comfort and security in the knowledge that we were tight so it didn't matter if me and your friends couldn't connect. The worst part was secretly feeling and knowing that the two most important people, you and I, couldn't connect either.

And tonight brought it all back. The helpless feeling of wanting so much to be with someone but not knowing how to connect with the person. Wanting to feel so safe in the little bubble of having common interests, inside jokes, reading each others' minds with just half a sentence said, but having much too few of those moments. Just too few to be worth salvaging. Maybe even none at all.

Never would've thought it would feel this bad, caring for somebody you just can't emotionally or intellectually get on the same page with. And trying your best to stop picturing how someone else can.