Why the heck is it so difficult to have fun nowadays?

Spending Euros

Excerpts from my Memoirs of a Tourist:

Day 1:
Bearable 12 hour flight flew by pleasant enough. 3 movies & lots of sitcoms to numb the ride. Landed in Frankfurt's mini airport with scary brusque immigration officers. One day I'm going to get one of those stylish winter jackets these tall tall women are wearing.

10 degrees Celcius is perfect weather. Highway looked like a horror movie setting with its bare tree branches. Everywhere is Audi, Mercedes & Volkswagen. Ended up in a tiny neighbourhood hotel after passing industrialized areas. Teeny tiny elevators with elevator music. Like those movies where the bad guys listen before they charge out again.

Funky lights in our first hotel room.

Day 2:
Shop shop shop at Wertheim Village's factory outlets. Jay's little crush on Angelica from our tour group. Our bus driver doubles as a translator since our tour guide's a little rusty in this business.

Seems everybody only drinks sparkling water which comes in medium & hard (measure of sparkliness?) but fortunately also in natural. The servers in the little restaurants we eat in all carry cash pouches for coin change. Tried a little light beer with Sprite in it.

Spent the night in a different hotel with ye olden days decor. I suspect the humongous flush buttons in all their loos reduce the mechanical strength needed to press. Petrol kiosk toilets even clean themselves; of course a 50 cent coupon's the fee.

Jaydon has a cruuuush.

Day 3:
Boy, red pants are all the rage. Visit to Tisidee, near the Blackforest, named after its dense dark trees. It rained and hailed ice pellets. Felt the beginnings of frostbite (I exaggerate). Unpredictable weather with sporadic gorgeous snowfall.

Strong winds and pelting ice

Both families bought cuckoo clocks. Dad's are part of our inheritance someday, he says. Butter fish, pork knuckle and venison noodle for lunch rounded off with the bestest, moistest, fluffiest Blackforest cake with a delicious berry on top.

This little guy eats dumplings when the clock strikes the hour. Cuckoo!

Rheinfall in Switzerland, land of Swiss knives, St Bernards and where Dad hoped to meet Roger Federer.

Rheinfall

Lucerne: The first romantic city I've been in. Gorgeous old buildings interconnected by paved alleys. Love how every building is unique. Posh shops.

Streets are empty by 6pm+ in Lucerne

In the center was a square with tents selling really creative art like pretty stained ornaments, recycled tin turned into cutesy toys and wooden carved barns and figurines. The buildings were decorated all over with murals. Water fountains. Sigh.

Pretty painted windows

Day 4:
Switzerland is completely surrounded by snowcapped mountains, like the defining backdrop of the country. Beyond breathtaking. Up Mount Titlis we went.

Cable car base

Got our Rolex spoon at Bucherer. Felt like the awful tourists we were, in and out a 1000 times but no purchases, but they were so nice. Then shopping back at Lucerne streets till the shops shut at 6.30pm. Ended with a family dinner in the hotel rooms with supermarket food.

Day 5:
Visited the King's castle in Vaduz, Liechtenstein.

Followed by Neuschwanstein castle, the New Swan castle that Disney copied. King Ludwig built it as a tribute to Wagner. Poor Ludwig died at 40 after being declared insane. The castle had incredible paintings and a huge mosaic floor but the rooms were mostly unfinished, only 16+ were done by the time of his death.

Went onto the bridge that overlooked the castle, over this deep ravine. Poor Mama huffed and puffed the whole walk up to the castle. Darkness was falling so fast and it rained the whole trip.

Neuschwanstein up close

Down to Innsbruck, Austria. Chinese dinner at a sushi bar run by a Taiwanese lady who was so excited to see fellow Asians who could speak some Mandarin. Local people just kept staring everywhere we went.

Throughout the trip, our bedtime got earlier & earlier. It started at midnight, the next day 11pm, then 10pm up to a point it was 7.30pm and Adelia was already showered and asking if it was time to sleep.

Day 6:
Dad, self proclaimed Reaper of Innsbruck was the hero of the day. Found Jay's Mickey in a trashcan after retracing our entire route few times. He named himself that after roaming the streets last night like a vagrant fisherman.

Posing by the streets in Innsbruck

Got lots of Swarovski jewellery.

Swarovski has some funky landscaping

Got a glimpse of the Olympic ski stadium. Lian-ee made a deal to get a free ticket in with the stadium keeper. He was mighty impressed with her audacity and said, 'I will definitely remember you, Ms Li from Singapore' to which she replied, ' And I will remember YOU from HERE! Hokkaido!', jabbing at his Hokkaido badge.

On to Salzburg, birthplace of Mozart. No time for Sound of Music locations or the saltmines, partly due to our inexperienced tour guide. Back to Munich.

Day 7:
To the old and new town halls in Munich. Gargoyles and other ancient statues in the old building.

Old town hall in Munich

Rothenburg, little old medieval city enclosed by walls. Just one long stretch of road of houses ending in the market square. Huge Christmas ornament shop which Lian-ee spent an hour in while we wandered the streets. Love how they sell you drinks in a mug and you get to keep the mug or refund it.

Day 8:
Heidelberg Christmas market. Little trinkets like every other town but lots of food. Hot wine concoction. Sausages 3 times the length of their buns. Crepes. Yummylicious beef burgers. Awesome fried mushrooms. Lots of different doggies trotting around due to the dog photoshoot. One hugongous dog on all fours was the height of Jaydon. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Xmas market, best place to be during the season!

To Frankfurt where it was packed like Sardines. No snow but freezing. Defrosted in Burger King.

Eurotrip ended a few days later.

I hate change. Change terrifies me and reduces me to the kid who was afraid of bedtime approaching in case she was the only one in the house who couldn't fall asleep.

Change is alright when there's nothing to lose. Then you just steel yourself for the unknown that's coming, and every little friendly approach and thoughtful gesture makes you feel welcome.

But change when everything else is going down the drain feels like you're the only person left in the world and there's nothing familiar to hold on to. Wouldn't it be nice if with every change, you could bring along someone from your old situation? That's why losing a person is the worst change, because that steady part of your life is suddenly gone and no other challenge seems worth braving through.

I am quite afraid. And I'm tired of feeding into this melodrama like it's reality. But it's hard to change who I am.

What a different world it would be, if when we looked at someone, we could see right through them, and see all their goodness radiating outwards. To forget the bad and be captivated by the wonderful.

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It never really goes away. You just suppress it, push it to the back of your mind, and accept its presence like a shadow in your mind. Then one day, you wake up and find something new. And realize that without you noticing, you were letting go all along.

Sound of Silence

It's quite a shame that the harder you try to get someone's attention, the less likely you will get it. Or to put it differently, the more you crave a person's attention, the more difficult it is for you to ever feel fulfilled by anything they have to offer.

Which is why, I find myself at my most charming and effervescent when there is the least expectations of the company I'm with. When in a sense, I don't really care if they do take an interest in what I say, or laugh at my jokes. Ironically, that is when people find me interesting.

And then you compare it with the person you're dying to get a response from. With every word you try so hard to entertain with, it seems to fall on awkward silence or forced amusement. But the moment you stop trying or caring what they think, that's when they're drawn to you.

It seems like in order to be myself, I have to stop placing any significance upon the other person's response. I've to stop caring, full stop. Isn't that just like listening to myself speak?

By swardraws on Flickr

Finally, everyone's let down their hair a bit. At least, enough for a bunch of us to head out to chill at night, like we used to do in Year 1. I'd forgotten how much fun hanging out could be, and with the guys chugging down the alcohol, all the dirty secrets and hopeful ambitions come bubbling out. Exams and dental school can really be the pits, but it makes you treasure the rare night out so much more.

4 budding class couples this year! Looks like matchmakers society is on to seal the deal for some of those romances desperately in need of guidance.

To create good art, one usually needs to be in the throes of some sort of emotion. Then, the feelings just pour into the medium and translate into some form. Otherwise, inspiration is hard to come by.

Breathe.. on Flickr © Victor Oliveira

Party week in KL flew by like all good fun days do. Was hit by super homesickness on Monday night, when I realized I've no close buddies to hang with and hall's freaking lonely when you don't bother to make friends. Started experimenting with getting Lian-ee to drive me to school and taking the bus home and I believe this arrangement will work well when I have no more use for hall.

Certain other things have gotten a little more complicated. But complication is much preferred to finality. Before, the missing ache was all I could think about. Now all I have to worry about is being a good Christian, school, dance, having fun and not worrying. It is amazing how free I feel knowing that it's still there. Happiness should never be taken for granted.

It's funny how when you pray really hard for something to happen, God doesn't grant it to you right away. When you've forgotten about it, or in the split second you're not looking, it happens. And by then, you can't remember why you wanted it so much.

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My current loves:
1) My hot pink Crocs slippers
2) My cute Nokia themes
3) Make-up
4) New seasons of all my fave TV shows
5) Naps (This is an all time favourite, actually)

Whee!

It's that time again. The annual project Chriselle, Jamie & I work on. Since Chriselle's leaving soon for Glasgow, it's been condensed fun and activities. Fortunately it coincides with my study break, less fortunate for my studies. Bubble tea, piano sing-a-longs and karaoke. The life.

My 2nd concert item got scraped, much to the cast's dismay. So have been working extra hard on my one puny item left and I really hope it turns out well because this year I managed to sell 34 tickets! That's like my whole world watching me on Friday and Saturday night. Too bad my closest buddies couldn't be here. Considering that I'm going to retire soon, or at least slow down. To focus on school.

Mad rush of life finally gave me a breather this morning. Woke up after 8am for the first time in ages. Sadly, one night of undisturbed sleep cannot save me from the bundle of wrinkles and eyebags I've turned into. Gr.

Set my alarm for 7am this morning. Woke up all groggy and cloudy eyed, determined to get my laundry washed as planned. After loading my clothes into the machine, I walked up a few steps of the staircase carrying my laundry basket. Then, I slipped and fell, sliding face down down the stairs.

In the process, I scraped my elbow, hit the left side of my chest, hip and thigh and stubbed my big right toe. Now, there's a 1.5cm x 5cm bruise on my thigh and pretty large scrapes on my forearm.

And the cleaning lady witnessed everything. All she did was say, 'Tsk tsk tsk, aiyo, fall down!'

FDI

If only there weren't tests next week. Then we'd all be able to enjoy this week of break, because volunteering at the FDI World Dental Federation Congress would have been really fun. Besides my 5 minutes of fame, ushering the Minister of Health and several Drs on to the stage for their speeches, I got to tour the exhibits and collect freebies. All thanks to Sihao and his mastery of Dental Materials that impressed the booth people.

We mostly complained because the event took up time. However, seeing 3000 dentists gather at Suntec, and watching the roll call of countries actually made me feel like I was at the Olympics. Felt a little tingle of pride, especially when the M'sian flag came skating out. It's pretty cool to feel part of a big community, even though I need to brush up on my DM knowledge. It was quite exciting as well, to watch representatives from each country get up and cheer when their flag passed by. I feel a lot more exposed (in a good way) suddenly.

And now I'm all dizzy and deaf from Dbl0. God only knows why I went, when it's totally going to set me back in studies. But it was a BLAST! And now I've 2 new tops from Hula, because I was on a dead mission to get a top to get into the club.

Just checked my stash of doctor's receipts (I keep them so Mom can make claims) and realize I fall sick 3-4 times a year.

Which is no surprise that I contracted H1N1 and am now stuck at home in a mask. Probably my super low immunity contributed as I've been surviving on very few hours of sleep. The last straw was the night duty where I slept on cardboard at school, and woke up every 2 hours to change my stiff position.

Feeling crummy and worried about rag cos' I'm not around to teach. I hope I'm well enough to teach with enthusiasm next Monday.

Oh, the first taste of bittersweet goodbye. Just had 3D2N of camp at Sentosa, and certain repressed emotions aside, it was exciting to be a senior leading a group of juniors. What with lots of eccentric characters in the orientation group, it was never-ending amusement. For a group without much athletic ability (haha) they surprisingly tossed up water balloons with incredible skill. And the skit was really the most hilarious thing on earth, especially Hong Kai's dancing blond troll. I'll also never forget how Ben Yap kept retching at the vinegar/raw chicken combo. After the first 2 days, I totally took the backseat as an OGL, it was just toooo tiring.

Best (and worst) night hands-down was Club Vondresen. 14 people packed into the tiny hut, playing Taboo. Ben Lim's guesses: What do people do during CNY? Calligraphy. What happens at the end after dating, for a man and a woman? Orgasm. (Correct answer: Matrimony) What is this? Orange. (Before any further description). I laughed so loud and so frequently it hurt my abs. After that, the clubbing began, with dim lights, flickering bulbs and yellow lightsticks!

But it was also the lowest point I've had in a long time. For the life of me, I cannot understand drinking to lose yourself or forget your troubles. I don't know if I'm being a hypocrite, but when I see a person chugging down and just going out of control, I feel so disgusted. Which was exactly what I felt when I opened that door. I've never reacted that angrily before, at least not in the longest time. I rapped that door SO hard, I almost broke my knuckles.

Now I'm trying not to overreact, but I am beginning to associate a repulsive person with the drinking. And that makes it hard to remember the person I like. And it makes me worry about how I can continue to condone it when it happens again. Which it is bound to.

2nd year and dental school has lost its appeal for me. OK, I'm exaggerating but getting up and going to school daily feels like facing a den of lions. The only thing exciting on the horizon is the year 1 orientation, and even that is tinged with stress for all the committees. It's hard to tell if the juniors will be able to catch the atmosphere of pride and ambition the seniors are trying to uphold. And teaching dance is so not easy.

The whole continuation of the heritage thing is the favourite topic on everyone's lips. Who should get priority, whose toes shouldn't be stepped on, which person is most easy to click with; all to be decided in such a short time.

Of course, the best part is not just making new friends, but rediscovering old ones.

And camp is this Friday, which is crazy fast! I don't want to stay with strangers, though.

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I feel so ashamed of my poor attitude towards life. I find myself behaving exactly like the people who blame the world for all things that go wrong. And I sulk and pout (secretly) waiting for things to right themselves. Perspective is a tough lens to put on.

When I read a book, I don't like to share. I get so drawn into the world that I want to keep it all to myself, where the characters feel real and alive. Talking about it to someone else turns everything back into just a book. Some people just may not feel the magic you do, and their lack of rapture spoils your imagination.

On the flip side, when someone else gets the book the same way you do, it becomes double the enchantment. Once in awhile, fiction is so much better than reality.

Feel It

Feelings on Flickr © jeanne c

It is extremely rare to find someone who gets exactly the way you're feeling.

For ages, I've been trying to explain how I feel about living in Singapore and also having a home in Malaysia. I've told many people about the unfamiliarity yet comforting familiarity I feel when I go back to either of my homes. (Don't let my mother hear me say I'm going back home to Singapore, though.)

In the beginning, it felt like so much had changed and I couldn't click with anyone. After awhile, going back to Malaysia felt like I'd never left, yet my sisters looked different, my parents looked older, my dogs older/bigger, buildings sprouted out of nowhere and so many TV shows I missed. My sisters can hardly remember whether I was there for something or not. 'Oh, do you know that time Daddy...?', and I'll remind them, 'I was THERE la.' or 'Remember when so and so...?', to which I reply, 'I wasn't there la.'

Sometimes I feel so glad to be going home. (Many incidents of which I can remember clearly why I wanted to escape.) Most times, I feel really reluctant to go (for the most obvious reasons as well), and take out my annoyance on poor Mummy, as always. And when I go back to Singapore, sometimes it's with excitement, but most times lately with a tinge of homesickness, feeling awfully bad for ever making Mom feel like I didn't want to come home to M'sia. It feels quite sad imagining them sad at my departure, and occasionally even sadder knowing that I spend a lot of my time in S'pore alone.

Lucky me that I've a friend who relates to me completely, to her utter surprise and to my final relief. You'll get used to it like I have, I tell her.

It's great when someone understands precisely how you feel. I just love the sensation when my description clicks completely with another person's experience. Probably why I keep going off at the mouth to everyone I know, waiting for that magic moment. Doesn't come often enough.

The word feel suddenly looks funny to me. Like French or something.

Change on the outside often times brings change on the inside.

With everybody gone to church camp, and me left alone to fend for myself, I've finally found the inspiration to get to work at the stove. A little too salty at spots, and everything just minimally seasoned but it's totally edible! What an achievement, friends, for the girl who usually makes others cook for her.

The fact that I am going to eat some cup noodles later does not mean anything.

Alone in a Crowd

Alone in a Crowd on Flickr © vnduan

I am truly a pushover. I know it, you know it, and that's why I end up with all the baggage. It's not too killer most days, mostly it involves dance. Case in point, Prof's stepping down ceremony which we performed for (copied wholesale off SYTYCD) and not too shabby a job for a few days' practice, I must say.

Mingling with crowds is a real chore for me. I can't summon up a single topic of conversation when I'm in a formal setting, much less a formal setting with people who have Dr. in front of their names. For the life of me, I can't think to save myself from the awkward silence so thick it could hamper your breathing. Which is why, I simply count my blessings that I have a support group who can do it for me.

It's quite interesting to observe how elite a profession can be. How once you join a group, they become your lifelong crowd.How tiresome it is to my brain, having to remember all the must-know names and faces, in order to respect/not offend anyone. But on the flip side, there's always people you can look for when you're friendless.

Special sem is 3/5 way through. Then I can't wait for orientation! In a half dreading, half excited way. Our first line lunch session was huge blast too, as bitching sessions always are. Things like these make me look forward to waking up and going to school. Indeedy.

Dinner at Pavillion was quite yummy. Each restaurant we looked at had rocket high prices so we ended up in an Italian restaurant, also pretty ex. But as Lian-ee would say, everything was 'juicy and succulent', only not very filling. As typical low class Asians without dining etiquette, plates were passed around and food shared.

Which reminds me, apparently, people don't share straws in HK. We found out when the family we were having lunch with looked on in wonderment as us guys and girls sipped out of each others' drinks for a taste.

Copied Pui Yee's grand idea and got Mom 4 cupcakes for Mother's Day. I lurve cupcake icing.

Sunny Island

I couldn't have asked for a better holiday than the one I just had in HK. Nobody would dare call it an exchange programme, as we only spent one day at HKU & Prince Philip Dental Hospital. But it was through and through a cultural exchange, albeit a little one sided. I am amazed at how the HK students tolerated our lateness, slow walking speed and forgetfulness. They were nice beyond belief, maybe it's an ingrained politeness, even in the face of obnoxious behaviour.

I just love the city. Everything was made ten times better because we practically transplanted our class in a foreign land. Nothing was scary, instead everything was like a family outing. As the fixed schedules started to dwindle off, our little foursome roamed HK on our own, once in awhile bumping into some of the other cliques. It was really nice and cosy, the whole 'world is your oyster' thing. Wouldn't call it a double date just yet, though.

Breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper - our daily meal schedule. We climbed high and low, huffing and panting up and down the sloped roads of HK just to try all sorts of food. I think we went to Honeymoon Desserts just for their durian dessert and my mango sago at least 3 times. And the rooftop area of IFC is so pretty! Plus I'll never forget how the wind almost blew us off the peak, and the way the retards took off their shirts.

The only sour note was when we did our little sneaking in plan, passing the cards to the guys so they could come in past the guard one by one. It was just starting to get comfortable and home-y in Livia and my room when a staff knocked on our door. And again, and again, until finally the guys were found in the toilet. Embarrassing beyond belief. And more time wasted on writing the apology letter. The next morning, I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach, and tried hard to ignore it as I met the lady who caught us last night. They were all so nice, acting like nothing happened. Only my guilt and shame got in the way.

The scenery is drop dead, though. Also, I really love my classmates. I may not be too chummy with each of them, but it makes me feel good knowing they're there. All hail holidays.

Expand & Stretch

Doing something new usually rewards you with pleasant surprises.

Take rock climbing. Sure, we sucked. Yes, my knees are banged up, and okay, I gave up on following the colours at the end. But it was exciting and horrendously scary at the same time, especially when you know you've no more strength and zero spidey powers to glue yourself to the wall. Not that I didn't try to all the same. Glue myself to the wall, that is. It is really a sickening lurching fear when you feel yourself slipping. Agoraphobia to the MAX.

Then it was Spicy with the neighbour. Hadn't laughed that much in ages, belly ripping laughter.
'My hair gets wavy lah, when it's long, just like my mother's.'
'I didn't know you ever had long hair.'

And Shang's mistaking the Burger King server for clicking on his expensive car remote, when he was turning on the fan.

I am also proud to have witnessed evidence of a family that dresses all in pink, owns all pink cars, and lives in a pink house. Convert to the pink religion - it is kewl.

The Fast & The Furious

The guys beat me to trying out Go Kart-ing. I was going to scout out the activity before inviting people to try it next week but somehow they sniffed out its existence by themselves.

And boy, was it fun! Everyone was hesitant to step on it for real during the first round. Livia found herself mounted on the curb. It's quite impossible to topple over as you're barely inches off the ground, but after awhile the seat starts to vibrate and your ass burns, while gravel flies into your eyes if your visor is left up.

Everyone was on such a high after Round 1 that we went for Round 2. It was meant to be a race but I failed miserably. I couldn't spot a single soul in front of me even though I got more adventurous around curves. The curves I took got faster as well as wider and nearer to the edges of the track. Daddy and Weidi were trailing behind me at a relaxed pace. The whole time I thought Dad was trying to overtake me so I was living in fear and anticipation, but he wasn't even interested. Hmph.

Fun fun funnnn.

The pro driver in safety suit, burning rubber between our rounds.

A quarter of my classmates have decided to visit Malaysia, some enthusiastically, others coerced.

Despite my bad sense of direction and not much better driving skills, I shall be a good good host. Quite an interesting holiday it will be.

Holyday, Welcome to Holyday

It's a bit difficult to relax now that the mad rush is over. I still wake up quickly and suddenly, as though I am late for something or haven't finished studying. Savour it!, everyone says, for it's the longest holiday I'll ever have and one where you can completely forget about school.

It's been more than 2 months but the house is unchanged. The airport's much improved, though. I had no idea Airasia had seat numbers, it's been 4 months since I've flown. At first, I wondered why nobody rushed to queue when it was time to board the flight. Then I wondered why people sat in such strange random order in the plane, why some people squashed together and others sat all alone. Then someone stood before me and asked if I had the wrong seat. Oops.

At home, however, it looks like we're still celebrating Chinese New Year?

I've got this list of things to accomplish these hols but my bum can't seem to get moving. I am going to learn to cook a nice meal. I am going to do 2 things I've never done before. I am going to dress up and go out to fancy places. I am going to get rid of my wrinkles and eyebags. I am going to start and finish my birthday present artworks (regardless of someone's insistence that it's not necessary).

It's so surreal to be free!

Lucid Dreams on Flickr © Fractal Artist

In the short span of time I've spent crazy mugging with some people, I've discovered lots of great qualities in those I wrongly prejudged. It's pretty fun hanging out with someone who has lots of interesting opinions, as ridiculous as some might be. It's not often you get to challenge your own thoughts and definitely rare to get a peek into an eccentric mind.

One thing he and I agree on: Studying really stimulates the brain.

I've felt so boring for such a long time. I feel sluggish, anti-social and unentertaining. I don't know what to talk about to people, I don't bring up any ideas and I can't even rack my brains for anything real to bring to a conversation. It was happening, and I just watched it get worse.

But studying. When I really started thinking and losing it, I got all hyperactive and suddenly, I felt like me again. Like I was smarter, and as he said, more lucid, and so much sharper.

Feels good. Wish I could bottle some of that so I didn't have to try so hard.

Dancing for DE for the first time has stretched me BEYOND BELIEF. It has felt amazing pulling off the kind of items we do and I can hardly believe I am a part of something so exciting. (Maybe I just live in a hole.)

If I told anyone about the kind of methods our choreographer used to get emotions out of us, they'd probably freak out. I can't even imagine what the dancers in the neighbouring dressing rooms thought of all that crying and yelling.

I can't wait to improve and do more contemp (although a part of me feels I have reached my technical limit). I just don't know if my priorities are straight. I guess we shall see when finals arrive. Ugh.

Public Displays

Telling Tall Tales on Flickr © Kenny Maths

It's such an irony how sometimes I'd rather sit next to a total stranger on a bus than someone I know just a little but haven't spoken to in a long time. Despite the invasion of personal space by a complete unknown (you get over these things when you take public transport regularly anyway), I'm more comfortable sitting in silence than working up the effort to converse. It's a gradual loss of social skill and interest in other people's lives. I can't even take the time out to make small talk and find out how things are going.
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Crying in public is strange. One moment I am shamelessly weeping away like an emotional exhibitionist, without a care that anyone's watching. The next day, you feel like an idiot that you appeared silly and weak. I don't like belittling the act of crying. I don't like giving the impression that when I cry, it doesn't mean anything.

For one thing, it sure loses its leverage in letting someone know the gravity of the situation.

The whole method dancing - being yelled at to cry so you can emote on stage - has been a wacky ride. Not always effective, but interesting all the same. I didn't detest it, but once is enough.

The current state of my room does not bode well for the future. Dust, dust, dust, with every swipe I make. Where does dust come from, anyway? And why does it choose to reside on all the surfaces in my room? I can imagine going crazy if I worked as domestic help. The never ending battle with DUST BUNNIES.

I suddenly remembered advice from Mom. 'Power of the mind!' she tried to teach us. She said that if we really thought positively and visualized, the power of the mind could truly shift things your way. Her famous example was when looking for a parking lot at a place that's always crowded. She told us she visualized an empty lot, and lo and behold, it appeared! Really, of all examples.

As much as we laughed and turned 'Power of the mind!' into a funny phrase, I think it really works. Repeating and confessing something positive and imagining it going well in your mind can really turn things around in your direction, even if all it did was calm you down and give you the confidence. Most times, the ability to do it was always there. Another way to call it is faith.

I need more power. I can make it through this month.

I hate it when I do embarrassing things. It's alright when only people close to me witness silly things I do, but I hate wondering what everyone on earth thinks of me. I need to develop thicker skin.

In the meantime, I'll be anti-ci-pa-ting...

End of exams! During supper at Newton, we got excited about April hols. I really hope everyone manages to come down to visit me this time around. It's not easy playing host, because you worry about whether people will find your plans boring or whether they secretly dislike your country. Though that's a little paranoid. All the same, I look forward to Genting trips and even a day at Sunway Lagoon. After that, we will fly to HK!

Gollygeewhizbang.

I was reminded of two things today:

1) Life can be tough without an umbrella.
2) A sense of direction is something innate and difficult to acquire, no matter how hard you may try.

Outdated Update

I seldom write about events but last Tuesday, I went for the Fall Out Boy concert at the indoor stadium.

I totally got ravaged by the crowd when the boys first came out. The crowd had ants in their pants for half an hour, listening to the opening band, that when FOB finally appeared, it was a tidal wave to the stage. The tidal wave carried on until midway through the Thnks Fr Th Mmrs. I was totally pancaked between people in front and behind, and elbowed everywhere. It was all I could do to breathe and hang on to my slippers by stepping on them, because they were completely off my feet. I was so angry I elbowed people back as hard as I could.

It finally ended when I was pushed backwards. I felt thoroughly used. My sleeves were all off my shoulders and my skirt hiked up. Someone asked me, 'Are you alright?'

ANYWAYS. FOB sound great live! Pete's a total poser, who tried to bodysurf at the end but the lousy audience dropped him on the ground (from my view). I wish I'd put in a little more effort to learn their new songs. Because you can get really high when you actually know what they're singing. Otherwise it's like watching TV in an uncomfortable position.

I did feel like a wannabe, amongst the teeny boppers. I'm not even that old! But it was fun overall.

If we can rock, so can you.

Patrick is out of this world.

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I don't know if I just don't need friends as much all the time, or I don't feel a need to connect to people very deeply. It makes me feel despondent, like something's wrong with me. And envious. It's hard to remember that what you see is not always what you get.

I hate miscommunications. I hate being misunderstood and wrongly accused. I'm terrified it's not meant to be.

Love is in the air
Everywhere I look around
Love is in the air
Every sight and every sound

And I don't know if I'm being foolish
Don't know if I'm being wise
But it's something that I must believe in
And it's there when I look in your eyes

Dance Contemporary on Flickr © Fernando Miceli

Soon, it will be the season of concerts.

Next Tuesday: FOB
Next Wednesday: Dance Blast

And most excitingly, Evocation by NUS Dance Ensemble!

The saddest part is that there are only 100 people who can watch the show each night (it runs for 3 nights, from 19-21 March). I'm prematurely worried that the people I want to catch the show, won't be able to. And suddenly I just realized there may be more people I need to invite, who will be hurt if I forgot about them. The pros and cons of having a big family.

And I've the sinking feeling that my items will not be terribly exciting.

At least I get to buy a new leotard! Wheeeee.

My daily schedule is either going to kill me or turn me into the toughest person ever.

It's a bit like sleepwalking throughout the day, coming alive for certain classes (like labwork and dance), then falling into bed. The sleep is long but the quality isn't good, partly because the warm sun annoys me into consciousness.

It's fun, though, having so many activities to fill up my time. I can't wait to dance on a stage again.

Right now, I'm struggling against calling people to go for supper. I'm really craving a maggi goreng, or nasi goreng.

Gong Hei Fatt Choi

I'm hoping this niu year will be as ox-picious as all the wishes I've gotten on my phone. (Total of 5 smses?)

As the number of cars and number of Singaporeans who need to go back to Malaysia increase exponentially, we were bound to finally experience 2-3 hour causeway jams. The queue begins 2km from the Singapore customs and 1.5km from the Malaysian customs. Or the reverse, depending on whether you're going north or south. My uncle says it's because all the Malaysians married Singaporeans. Of course, you need both hands to clap.

I think this is the age in life (at least for our family) where the number of relatives we have available to visit has decreased. Some relatives have discovered the joy of an annual pilgrimage to ancestral China, so I haven't celebrated CNY with them in awhile. With the passing of my grandaunt, there's no more center for all the twice and thrice removed relatives to gather. I do not foresee anyone stepping up to replace that role, so we've lost another 2/3rds of our family there.

The next phase will have to be when my generation gets married and we need to start visiting in-laws. And the phase after that when everyone has kids.

In the meantime, CNY has become a pretty quiet affair.

I am a fan of small joys in life. Like realizing tomorrow begins at 9am instead of 8am. And that from 10.30 am to 2pm I don't know what to do as the timetable has blocked out a session called LIBRARY. It either makes me thoroughly lifeless or someone with lots of excitement to look forward to.

Change is good. Once you've overcome the apprehension of things going wrong, everything falls into place and suddenly you can't imagine if you'd stayed at the same place you were before. And God's grace always pulls me through, as long as I keep reminding myself that tomorrow will worry about itself as long as I put my trust in Him. Which is why I did not have to buy another 1 4 for lab today. I did get another scolding from Prof Neo. Ugh. 2 weeks for her to forget it was me, yet again.

CNY is coming. Still ain't got my red undies.

bath on Flickr © fast boy

I'm quite settled into my new room, but there's a slight element of fear and yet tiny excitement about whether things will last. At least the toilet's not as bad as I feared, and hopefully I can get some privacy without anything going haywire. At least I don't have to wake up crazy early as I've had to the past 3 days. As much bravado as you have, one day of travelling by public transport is enough to tear you down.

But gahhh, being the toilet freak I am, it sucks to have to get up and walk just to take a leak.

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I dislike it when someone I thought I could read so well suddenly does an about turn. It confuses me and annoys me. It also scares me because I realize I don't dare to be myself, to just throw a fit around the person. And that says leagues about how close to each other we actually are.

I AM A HOMELESS PERSON

I've just spent my evening packing and lugging my at least 20 pieces of heavy luggage/items into the car to move back into my precious room 8-6-C in PGP. To my utter horror and dismay (as Papa says, Horror Story of 2009, which he suggested as the title for my complaint letter to the management), someone else has just moved into my room. And all they could do was give me a temporary TYPE C ROOM. TYPE C, I TELL YOU, TYPE C.

I've just wasted all my time travelling, making my aunt and uncle travel with me and lug things up and down. I'm eternally grateful to them. And I really felt like crying for a moment at the thought of spending the night like that there.

Grrrrr. Now all I can do is wait and hope.

My flight's today and I've spent the last few days going out with different groups of people. When you have the time, it's actually easier than you think to socialize with everyone you want to. And I'm very fortunate to have more than one circle of friends in my future profession. Of course, some of those people will go on to even bigger circles once they hit other shores. But one should count their blessings.

I foresee this semester to be a lot less fun. Since it's going to be very been there, done that. Especially since I shall be very lonely in PGP this year. So lonely I'm even contempating moving out of campus next semester, but the travelling is really a huge turn-off. The only other incentive is that this is the year of ECONOMIC CRISIS (as Mom put it in our family talk) and it's time to save some moolah.

Other than that, I resolve to get my head screwed on right, and stop getting distracted.

Oh, For A Time Turner

There will never be enough time in the world to maintain all the relationships you want. It's a fact of life.

The other day, I realized that so many things in my house remind me of people from my past. Teachers, friends, relatives, all mostly people I haven't spoken to in years. For example, my house is brimming with the touch of Ms Lau, my former art teacher. She's not only taught me, but both my sisters, some of my friends and even my cousins, occasionally. Everywhere I turn, there's some artwork hanging on the wall that I created in her class. Can't remember the last time I saw her, though.

I wish I could just make time every year, just one day per person, to meet up with the people who meant something to me. Yet relationships are funny things. Getting closer to someone usually means getting even closer. The more you spend time with them, the more time you need to spend and it becomes a heavy investment. It's only natural that you have to build on to maintain a relationship.

Maybe it's time to accept that some people need to stay in the past. Or maybe both parties just have to acknowledge that there's a cap to their friendship. That there's only so much time we have, and that time is reserved for people you prioritize as more important.