Double Boo.

I don't think I was convincing enough. Especially at the beginning, you could tell they were listening to the same kind of droll for the thousandth time. I should've seen that stupid question coming too. Gr. And why did I tell them THAT when they didn't even ask. Stupid stupid stupid.

I could see that the guy was trying to be nice, since the other two were being so hard on me. But I knew they were actually fun, nice people. They just don't have a choice when they've to narrow so many people down to 42.

I just wish I could've been more impressive. I don't think they'll remember me. And it's probably a bad sign if they tell you 'Good luck' when you leave, right? Like they'll never see you again. -.-'

Missing Pieces

Lately, I feel that the bicoastal travelling is too much to handle. Every time I come back here, I seem to leave a little piece of me behind. If I travel fast enough back and forth, I may end up with nothing of me left - all scattered across the causeway.

It's different from when you have ONE home. I long for two, because the vision I had of some future here isn't easy to purge from the mind, not when it's become a part of you for almost 2 years.

When you want two homes, it gets so hard to adjust. It takes time to settle back down when you touch down, because your heart and hopes are still in the other place. Sometimes I really hate how the mind works.

I was talking to Bix. At first it seemed that 'ignorance is bliss' - if I didn't know the other side of the pasture, I wouldn't be stuck in this dilemma. Then I realized, if you DON'T know what it's like elsewhere, how would you cherish what you do have?

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, designed to make me want everything I have (or don't at the moment) more.

All I've been doing is to prolong the inevitable. But I don't know how else on earth to deal with it. Helpppp.

One stupid touch and the whole thing crumbles.

Why are some things so hard to remember while others so hard to forget?

I can't seem to get rid of the anxiety.

The Surprise!

Nat's birthday was coming up and we knew we had to do something big. It'd been ages since we'd seen her or done something fun with her.

Golo & Stef had the idea of driving down to Nottingham Uni where she lives on campus to surprise her right at her doorstep. So on Saturday night (her birthday being Sunday), we made arrangements with her unimates to secretly arrive there and celebrate her birthday.

Poor Golo was annoyed because we took our own sweet time. So we did the usual pick-everyone-up and met at Stef's where we connived to make Phyl drive, haha.

Golo & Shu carrying the snacks.

Me, Stef & Golo outside Stef's house, about to leave.

Poor Phyl, sabo-ed to drive.

Phyl had previously obtained a map drawn by her friend. It was pretty straightforward but the drive took almost an hour. It felt like we were practically travelling to another state via highway. Apparently there are shorter cuts. I sat with the cake on my lap all the way.

Goloka - trusty map reader.

Front seat.

Back seat.

Poor me, cake all the way.

We met a huge hurdle when we got there. The lousy guards didn't want to let us in since it was 11.15pm. We shouldn't have slowed down at the guardhouse, but the car was so heavy it hit the speedbump pretty hard and we were stopped. They insisted we could only stay til 12am (after much bargaining) and made us wear visitor's passes and retained my driver's licence. Boo.

So Nat's friends' plan worked - we drove back out close to 12am, waving sadly like we were going home. Then parked at the nearby Forest Bar and drove right back in as fugitives in their cars. That was funny. It was probably the same moment Omar started getting the hots for our resident babe, the gorgeous Shu Qing. Poor Omar - rejected & dejected.

So we set up at the amphitheatre, getting to know Nat's pals. Balloon-blowing, balloon-throwing, balloon-smacking. To disguise ourselves we wore paper hats and paper spectacles.

Getting busy.

And busier.

And busier.

I think we acted like a bunch of 5 year olds next to Nat's more low-key buddies. I'm too impatient to wait for the super funny picture of us in our whole paper get up.

Finally, the birthday girl arrived, unsuccessfully tricked by Syafiq to go star-gazing. But little did she know that her old pals had traveled all the way to see her. So worth it to hear her shrieking with joy! She started running down from the roof of the amphi.

So we hung out, cut the cake, gossiped. Eventually we had a blast playing silly games in a circle. Nat's friends are a hilarious bunch. Losers wore hats. I think I'm a doofus at word games. I just couldn't spot the patterns. Now it's so glaringly obvious. Aw. Even sober we kept messing up, imagine if we'd played the games while drunk.

Nat - keeping the flame alive.

And finally, at around 3 am, we wrapped up. All the balloons which only served the purpose of lying on the floor were eventually sacrificed. It sounded like fireworks the way Nat's friends attacked the balloons - the viciousness of the popping.

Anti-balloon people. I think they have issues.

Since Phyl was too miffed at the guards to drive home, I volunteered. Despite a wrong turning or two, we made it home safe and sound. And I bumped into Dad leaving as I entered our house at 4.15 am. Oops.

Sunday, Happy Day! Happy (Belated) Birthday, Nat!

Hayley Bayley

I shall leave you with images of the little rascal.
Can't you tell I am waiting?

Acting cute.

Manic.

Depressed.

Probably how she got those cuts on her belly.

Probably what she's gonna end up looking like.

Dad is being so annoying. He thinks my interview dressing is unprofessional, and that bugs me. Fine, I'll do the waiter thing then. But I don't want to miss him being right, since my dressing didn't get me anywhere the last time.

I hope Bix doesn't forget our date this time round. And let's invite Schezn along! Too bad I'm not staying longer, but I can't afford to miss too many uni days. =(

I know I am stronger now. What happened previously shall not repeat. Never again.

She is But Woman

Mom & Dad in Australia

Mom has always been my solid rock. Whenever I'm sinking, relief and calm washes over me when I remember I have her as my lifesaver.

Golo keeps telling me how she loves my mother's pearls of wisdom. I could really compile all her take-home messages into a book, because there have been countless. Most of which have embedded into my heart. I remind myself of her words when I'm grasping for something to hold on to. Even when I think she's wrong, most of the time I'm proven she's right.

The time she felt most real to me was when I was struggling with worries, maybe last year. For the first time, she really felt the same thing I was going through. She had just messed up a huge presentation for her company and couldn't stop the flow of thoughts demoralizing her. It's the problem where just remembering the horrifying incident feels like a punch in the chest. And just knowing that she was also working hard at keeping defeating thoughts at bay while I was doing the same felt so comforting.

That was when I realized (not for the first time) that my mother isn't superwoman. Although I rely so much on her being strong, confident, wise, career-minded, yet still a fabulous homemaker, I never felt closer to her than at that moment.

She's commuting between Singapore & Malaysia for the next few months. She hates being away from home. But the best part of traveling, is knowing that someone is waiting for you when you get there.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Blessings

It is truly ridiculous to spend time yearning for something you don't have when all around you is everything you could ever want.

I am so busy searching for something intangible that I cannot even call to mind things I am grateful to God for, each time I provide a testimony. That is how self-absorbed I am. I need to remember that I am a living testimony, that as one person in my house is saved (me), my entire home is saved as well. That phrase is pretty powerful.

When I sit down and count my blessings, I feel so small and insignificant. They are innumerable, like pebbles in a lake. I have the best family, the best friends, the best material goods, the best education, the best cell group, the best church and most of all the best God. There have been times I thought I couldn't get through, when I was certain I'd be stuck in that down current forever. But I held on to just one foresight, and sure enough, I knew that one day I would look back and marvel at how I once felt. This is the day (and well, previous days before, too).

I'm thrilled at the prospect of a foot massage, dinner, and whatnot with Premi & Tallan. I know that slowly but surely everything will fall into place, as the plans are in Mighty Hands. And I am oh so blessed for everything that has come my way. Thank You.

-----

Hayley's super adorable now. Her fur is so soft I can't stop cuddling her. And she's so much sweeter now that we've cordoned off a larger compound for her to play in. Awwwww.

Black

After looking at the daylight robbery of fees for university, I vowed not to buy any more clothes or shoes as of Feb 2008. At least for a year. No matter what, I'd mix and match my wardrobe and dig up old clothes. You'd be surprised how many items from years ago that suddenly look alright for lessons. I don't really know why, either. I don't think I grew any fatter/more voluptuous since secondary school.
But suddenly, I'm tired of my look. And my old shoes.
Suddenly, I feel like wearing black stockings. And therefore, I need black shoes.



It can't be open-toed or open heeled. So it has to be new.
But I really can't afford to spend anymore.
Good thing I hate wearing covered shoes.

Old Lizzy

I was a coward this morning.

I went downstairs to shower and heard a rustling in the plastic bag of cookies Dad bought from Australia. The bag was shifting sideways, left and right and left and right. My heart started pounding. I decided to let it be.

I fed Hayley and everything. Then I felt guilty. By that time, I just heard a thumping on the table. Ugh, it was just too gross to picture.

So I went to the toilet. I felt more guilty and cowardly. But I really couldn't find any long pole in the vicinity. Being resourceful, I got Dad's golf club. I gingerly poked the bag, but then it stopped moving.

I really couldn't do it. So I went upstairs and wrote on an A4 sheet then stuck it on the wall.
'Please get rid of the lizard in the plastic bag of cookies from Australia. Eeee!'

When I came out of the loo, Adelia was sitting beside the bag. 'Nothing also.' Then she looked at the cookies. 'Ew, it's all eaten!'

-----

Yesterday, Dr Seow mentioned the Asia Pacific Dental Students Association (APDSA) which she was very active in like 19 years ago. They hold a conference every year, last year in Taiwan, this year in Surabaya. University Malaya's Dentistry Fac is trying to get them to Malaysia next year. I'd love to attend if it was somewhere cool like Tokyo! It's scary but it sounds like something I should get involved in, do some networking and immerse myself in the field. Dr Seow says it was the best part of her university life. I think I'll attend - grab the chance to do something different!

I am well aware that broadcasting my life is a way of validating that I actually have one.

For A Friend

Just got off the phone with Chriselle, after 1 1/2 hours. I miss her!

Dad has no faith in my driving (neither do I). He's so worried I can't get my car out from under the tree that he has to go switch the positions of our parked cars by himself. 'Sure bang la you, knowing your standard', he says.

Let it be known I do not voluntarily do tagged quizzes.

1. Real name : Alethea Foong
2. Nickname : Ale, Ally, Bell, Belly, Smelly, Al, Foong-a-langa, Alibaba (and the list goes on)
3. Married : No
4. Male or Female : Female
5. Highschool : SMK Tmn Bkt Maluri
6. College : National Junior College
7. Short or long hair : Midlength
8. Are you a health freak : In my mind yes, not in practice. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
9. Height : 163cm
10. Do you have a crush on someone : Not exactly. Well, maybe
11. Do you like yourself : Generally. Albeit some insecurities.
12. Piercings : 1 pair
13. Righty or Lefty : Righty

FIRSTS
14. First surgery : Eyelid? Non-cosmetic
15. First piercing(s) : Earlobes, age 10
16. First person you see in the morning : Hayley (my puppy). Well, person - Hwei Jene.
17. First award : 1st in class, primary school
18. First sport you joined : Netball?
19. First pet : Terrapin
20. First vacation : Singapore
22. First crush : In primary school probably. I have no kindygardy memories.

CURRENTLY
23. Eating : Nothing. Though I'm staring at some cookies.
24. Drinking : Nothing.
25. I'm about to : Read Langman's Embryology.

YOUR FUTURE

26. Want kids : Probably, if I'm married. 2 or 3 la.
27. Want to get married : Probably. Ok, yes.
28. Careers in mind : Dentist - Ortho!

WHICH IS BETTER
29. Lips or eyes : Eyes
30. Hugs or kisses : Hugs
31. Shorter or taller : Taller
32. Romantic or spontaneous : Spontaneously romantic. Can I choose that?
33. Sensitive or loud : Sensitive
34. Trouble maker or hesitant : Neither

HAVE YOU EVER
35. Kissed a stranger : Not that I recall.
36. Drank bubbles : No. Soap bubbles yes.
37. Lost glasses/contacts : Yes, on multiple occasions.
38. Ran away from home : Nope
39. Liked someone younger : Yes
40. Liked someone older : Yes
41. Broken someone's heart : Likely
42. Been arrested : No
43. Cried when someone died : Yes
44. Liked a friend : What, platonically? Sure la.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
45. Yourself : Usually not at first, until I surprise myself.
46. Miracles : Yes
47. Heaven : Yes
48. Santa Claus : No. It would be nice to.
49. Angels : I think so.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
50. Is there one person you want to be with right now : In a way, yeah.
51. Do you believe in God : YES

Unfated

I wonder why I always fall back into familiarity. I'd rather relive good times than make new ones. I'm more relieved when something is over than to look forward to more, especially on the social front. I believe I'm only a short burst extrovert. I do it just to fulfill this fantasy image I have of myself as a bubbly fun person. Then I get tired and want to go back to being a whiny grouch.

I'm definitely sabotaging my opportunities for happiness. All thanks to fear and over-thinking.
The feeling's gone. So why aren't I happy?
Maeyue didn't get shortlisted for an NUS interview. Apparently everyone should've been contacted by now. I could call to double check if I'm rejected, but I can't seem to muster enough care. It's just all too far away to hurt me now I suppose. I guess maybe it was never meant to be.

I feel so gleeful at the thought of a weekend break next week. I know I should be utilizing it for the upcoming exam but my mind goes into auto-fun planning. I've got May 1st (Thurs) till Sunday free, cos' I'm skipping the 1 hour lecture on Friday. Any wild ideas, anyone? Let's do something fun!

Traveling

Aan de Utrechtse grachten on Flickr ©Jthole

I love the idea of holidays. It's probably something to do with books and tv - there's this dreamy faraway fantasy of culture, nightlife, excitement, and foreign things. You picture yourself wandering the streets, striking up conversations with strangers, indulging in crazy wild behaviour and just trying all sorts of new stuff.

Somehow when I actually get there, that all vanishes from my mind. As kids, we'd whine and moan and grumble if we had to step out of the hotel. The whole holiday was confined to a tiny radius of the hotel, the restaurant, the swimming pool and sometimes the adjoining beach.

Things have definitely changed. I try a lot harder to soak up the atmosphere, preferring to get up early and explore somewhere than while the hours away in the hotel room. But no matter what, I couldn't possibly last on a vacation for more than a week. When I actually arrive at my destination and do all the required touring and shopping, a part of me just feels aimless. It's that lonely feeling of being a world-weary traveler, country-hopping and sleeping in hotel rooms alone. It scares me and depresses me.

In the end, the whole jetsetter fantasy evaporates. I just want to go home. Most of all, I'm glad I go on holiday with my family and friends. No backpacking for me.

-----

We were almost filthy rich. Dad wanted to buy 4D for my car number 7440, but he forgot. It came out as the first prize yesterday.

Moods of the moment: Jubilant & satisfied
Colour of the moment: Pearly Pink
Thought of the moment: My bed
Wish of the moment: To be pleasantly surprised

The Prank

Adelia switched Dad's phone cover from dark blue to bright opiang neon green. Then we waited for him to realize but he was too busy watching TV. So we went outside and used the other house line in the hallway to call him. The first try got a busy line. ' What??', we thought.

On the 2nd try, Adelia dialing, it rang, and from my watch post by the bedroom door I heard Dad get up and go, 'Eh, why green colour!?' 'Whose phone is this? Why green colour? Why green colour?' 'Hello?' I can't believe he still picked it up.

OMG, our stomaches hurt so much from laughing.

Door

Each time the subject comes up, and I explain myself, people ask, 'Are you sad?' Sometimes they add a word, 'Are you STILL sad?'

Each time I think carefully about my reply. Honestly, I don't know. I guess I'm not sad. I just still can't handle the idea of it being any different. And I'm much happier feeling that there's an open door. It feels awful shutting the door in your own face, harder and harder each time, waiting for the time when you will look for another entrance instead.

I like this entry of JP's. Very on the ball.

Martyr

Doing good is it's own reward. That's what most people say, right? I've been wondering about what kind of satisfaction that actually brings, when you do a good deed.

I think we do good sometimes just to feel good about ourselves. Which ends up making it more about us, the do-gooder, than the recipient. It seems to be a guilty trigger inside us, guilt over having more than someone else, guilt that we're more blessed. To assuage that guilt, we try to give some of what we have to someone else who needs it. Nothing wrong with that, don't get me wrong. It's just ironic that in the process of helping someone else, you're actually trying to help yourself too.

I find myself always making small sacrifices. Though I complain, deep down, I wouldn't have it any other way. It's not really that I secretly want to do those things, more that I feel better knowing I've done my fair bit. Feeling better about yourself that you've done your share or more, instead of freeloading. For example, house chores come around, and I find myself again yelling at my sisters to please pull their weight around the house and stop letting me do all the work. In the end, I'd rather be the one to give in and finish the job than make my sisters do extra. There's just this mentality that if I do more, sacrifice more, I am doing the right thing.

Maybe we're just programmed that way. Humans are capable of treasuring any of their characteristics. To become 'proud', so to speak of our abilities, including being a martyr. But sometimes it doesn't really matter the motivation, as long as it brings about good consequences. Sometimes.

Smears & Feet

After my traumatic donation experience, I had jitters coming into Wet Lab. I had this theory that I was growing more phobic of blood rather than growing accustomed. Surprisingly, in reverse of my theory (which is the reverse of what's expected anyway), I think I'm starting to like blood. Maybe it's because blood oozes out of my 2nd finger very freely now. I can see myself turning vampirish, hanging around with vials of blood all day.

Although Mr Liew the lab guy/blood guy told me, 'Very bad, very bad smear.' Oops. That smarted. I tried to make excuses for myself, but next time, I should just accept the critique.

We've moved Hayley to the great outdoors, because I'm getting backache scrubbing the toilet floor every afternoon. She's extremely hydrophilic, preferring to put her paw in the water bowl rather than drink it. Sometimes she sleeps on damp tiles. Being clumsy, she runs and trips and slides in her own puddle of pee. Which explains why my fingers smelt of pee this morning. The stench is becoming a familiar smell in the air.

I discovered that I am not the only one who can't wear covered shoes! I've a habit of staring at people's shoes and feet. This girl at uni had plasters on the back of her ankles too! Hers were colourful, mine are nude. And I think I slept a little too obviously during lecture today haha.

While driving today, I remembered a radio community service message. I think it was a guy's voice saying 'I just closed my eyes for one second too long, and it was too late.' I've been really sleepy lately, and I also shut my eyes for just a little longer than a blink. I don't know what triggered that memory, but I am grateful. I do not want to make a stupid mistake.

Yesterday was the recruitment drive at IMU for clubs & societies (ECAs). I signed up for Music, Dance & the Adventure club. It may be just me, but nothing seems to be able to match up to the scale of enthusiasm and seriousness of CCAs in JC (or maybe Singapore?). Unless it's still just me. Then again, I'm more inclined to think that it's because I find it more convenient to go home than hang around uni. Also, my lifestyle has always revolved around my own friends since primary school. I suppose doing things with them will always seem more exciting and familiar than making the effort with new people.

A little part of me wonders how else it could've been.

I was feeling completely overwhelmed yesterday. The only thing on my mind was:
Lord, just get me through each day. That's all I ask.

But it's a new day today. =) I should probably change my perspective towards the things I do. You know, enjoy them a little more, smile at little things.

Thank you to everybody for your kind concern. I'm feeling better as I've gotten a new prepaid line (check my personal message for the new number, though it won't be activated for a couple of days) AND I'm back to my old phone, Tobias. We are fated to be together I suppose.

I wonder what it must have been like to be in my parents' time. Imagine not being able to replace anything you lost. Having to really scrimp and save to pay for something you wanted, or your education. To bear the burden of knowing that every last cent counted to something. I don't think I'd have survived, if I had to torture myself asking every second if I really need to spend my money on this or that. It really makes you question how much you want something, and how willing you actually are to sacrifice for something more important. So for the first time in a long time, I really noticed how my money is washing away just like that, rm50 after rm50. But cannot complain - later people say I kiamsap. =P

I am looking forward terribly to the photo shoot this weekend. I know all of us are dying to redeem ourselves in our pictures. It is really fun having a friend who can let you model for free. I like the fact that we get to have so much fun in fashion, getting to learn the ins and outs of the industry. Especially when most of us in the gang have incredibly serious future professions. (Way on the other end of the spectrum compared to fashion & design.)

My mom's been asked to work in Singapore for the next 3 months. She plans to come back on weekends. It's only been 2 days but the toll of the house chores is already getting to me.

My Precious is Gone

I am depressed beyond belief. Somewhere between church and home, I lost my 4 month old Nokia Xpress, which I absolutely absolutely loved. Absolutely loved is something different from liking your phone, because when you merely like it, you still compare it with others and think something else could still be better. I didn't think anything could be better than my Xpress.

I don't even know when and how it disappeared, until I couldn't find it to set my alarm at night.

I'm fine not having A phone. But it sucks when I think about THE phone. How slim it was, how I just put all my songs in, how I haven't even used it with earphones, how I listened through it's invisible speakers, just how it looked. It upsets me just to look at all my User CDs and the box it came in, and soon when I watch the stupid advertisement of it in the cinemas. Now it's charger will be lonely, since it's so special it won't fit any other Nokia model.

I wish it had been knocked out of my hand by a madman and crushed by falling off a 20 storey building instead. 1) At least it'd be ruined - the evidence in my hand - and I would stop imagining that it'll come back. 2) It wouldn't be my stupid fault.

You may think I'm mad, but I really loved that phone. Now I have to punish myself forever by using something ugly and most likely 2nd hand, til I earn myself a new one. For being so careless.

=(

Extremely Tired

Of the thousand commitments I've made that I'm now struggling to keep.
Of feeling left behind because of my own poor discipline and time management.
Of rushing from one thing to another.
Of my health failing me.
Of freeloaders.
Of waiting for her to poop.
Of the same things running through my mind.
Of lack of sleep.

Chat Acronyms

A chat got me searching for some acronyms. There are like a million acronyms and emoticons out there. And my elders complain we youngsters type weirdly.

14AA41
One for all, all for one

4COL
For crying out loud

AAK
Asleep at keyboard

ABITHIWTITB
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush (Right, I'm so dying to use that next)

DLTBBB
Don't let the bed bugs bite

G2GTAP
Gotta go take a pee

HAHA
Having a heart attack

LMABO
Laughing my ass back on

SOMY
Sick of me yet?

TOY
Thinking of you

TT2T
Too tired to talk

?4U
Question for you

>U
Screw you

/myB
Kick my boobs

It's crazy how just one dose can take the anxiety away.
A quick glance at the lives of people around me makes me realize how foolish I am, stuck in my own world. If they can do it, why can't I?
I am now a permanent sneezing machine, but I can't exactly give her back now. Just a small sacrifice to make.
And I keep forgetting to go to the dentist. I need to collect teeth ASAP!

Enemies at War

Poor Hayley is off to a rough start with Shadow & Macy. Aggie & I just had a theory of what happened in chronological order.

You see, when we brought her back, she was all docile and quiet. Macy was so happy and excited, and only Shadow seemed wary of her. Today, all that has changed. Hayley is super naughty, she keeps running after the both of them and nipping at them or playing with their toys. It's almost like she's chasing them, while they're so scared they're running away. Shadow avoids her like the plague, and growls so menacingly when she's near. I'm afraid he'll take her head off. Macy also showed her evil stripes! She bared her teeth and actually snarled at Hayley. I'm so sad and disappointed with the two oldies, so so so disappointed.

So Aggie & I suspect that at first, Macy was okay with Hayley. Then at night, Shadow went to have a talk with her haha. He probably said something like, 'Macy, we need to do something about this Hayley. She's going to ruin our lives!' And probably brainwashed her into some conspiracy, like, 'We've to make the Foongs send her back! Let's start running away from her like we're terrified. Make yourself look so pathetic that they'll blame the puppy!' And Macy by the way is really blur, totally a follower, not a leader, so it must be Shadow who's the mastermind. Shadow acts really nice to us family members, but let me tell you, he's very jealous and possessive inside - hypocrite. :-P

Evil Kanevil

Sidekick

Behind bars

P/S: Sorry that Shadow only absorbs light, so you only see a black lump.

The Real Deal

My eyes are completely red and swollen. I can't even bend down without it burning and feeling the blood pulsing. And my palms are now flaming with heat, from the blood rushing in every corner. It itches like hell and I just took a drowsy Flucap pill as an antihistamine.

It's all thanks to Little Miss Hayley.




I'm not that used to the name yet. It evokes reminders of One Tree Hill, like I'm listening to the show going on. Ee. I got kinda attached to Carly, and I'd been calling her that for awhile when I carried her home in the car. Then I thought of Sophie, from a book I'd been reading. Sophie means wisdom anyway.

But I'm not into changing a dog's name. I like to fix it so they can be trained to answer to it. And besides, your name is your name - it wouldn't do to come up with so many that you've no identity. So I guess that's that.

It was a really random decision to buy her. I knew though, it was a high possibility cos' Dad kept going on about it. (By the way, he pooh-ed every single name we came up with, instead came up with lousy names like Buddy, Gasper, ugh...) So after dropping Ade off at ballet exam, mom just said, 'If you want, you can go take a look at the puppy now.' So, we drove to the pet shop. And there and then, I just said, 'Get lah. Get lah.' Couldn't imagine her spending another night in the cage alone. Her supposed owner wanted a discount all the way to rm500 (-.-') so nuh-uh, it ain't for you mistuh.

Called Dad, and though he went 'Who's going to take care? Won't the neighbours complain about 3 dogs?', I knew it was just for show. In a heartbeat when I asked if he was SUUUURE, he immediately said we should bring her home haha.

So there she is. A monster already - biting everything, terrorizing her squeaky rabbit toy. A water guzzler too. And totally giving me allergies, sigh. But so cute.

Oh Well

I miss the memory, not the person.

I already own 2 dogs - Shadow (black Cocker Spaniel) and Macy (Golden Retriever). They're both turning 9 this year. But I still remember how adorable they were when they were puppies. Macy was a rolly polly much like the puppy in the picture. Shadow you could carry with one arm, and he slept on your feet while you washed the dishes. Then, they grew up into monsters.

They used to be so cute, fighting all the time with each other, two small balls. Then they were totally out of control, tugging on the leashes so hard my arms almost came out of their sockets. Once, Macy dragged me through a bougainvillea bush and I was so mad because I got scratched all over. Now they're a bunch of oldies. Just stare at us pitifully, walk with a slow gait. On the rare occasion they hear 'walk', they'll perk up and look youthful again. If I could, I'd scan my old puppy pictures in, but they'd be icky and blur. So never mind.

I progressively acquired an allergy to dog fur. I get a rash, stuffy runny nose, burning eyes and just generally itch wherever they touch me. It's dependent on maybe how sensitive I'm feeling. Sometimes, just touching my eye after brushing against the dog can give me a huge swollen eye.

Still, I couldn't help feeling excited when Dad mentioned wanting to buy a new puppy. He saw one at the petshop and fell in love with it (her), but unfortunately she was claimed already. All of us (especially me) got pretty excited, insisting we put ourselves 2nd on the list, and if the new owner continued not to show up, then we should take her!

I don't know why, but the thought of a cute bundle of fur suddenly brightened me up. I guess it's something about new joy, new possibilities that makes you just forget what a load of trouble puppies are haha.

A Load Off

Phew! I don't know why I was so bogged down by PBL presentation this week. I just felt like there was so much to do and my mind wasn't in it and everything. Now that it's over and we get a break from it for a week, it feels like I've removed the huge brick from my shoulder and flung it into outer space!

I'm having some difficulty finding something to look forward to in the day. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of the composition of a happy day, but I feel like my mind is split into several compartments. One is the automatic section, reminding me I have work to do, information to read up on, so I continually stress about it unproductively. The other is the joy-finder, scanning the area, searching for ideas - anything interesting to do that will excite me and distract me for the moment. Like chancing upon caramel cookies in the fridge.. snack time.

Last but not least, the part of me that gets lost in thoughts & recollections. That part I want to shut up, just for a day, or a month, or forever.

I did enjoy watching the Dance Competition in uni today. Most of the performances recycled hiphop songs, and I recognized plenty of the moves as moves I'd used myself (video copying haha) but it was surprisingly fun and entertaining. I'd really love to train for some kind of performance again, but we'll see. I thought the salsa group was very good, I loved the girl's showmanship.

A friend is going through a rough patch where she has to be brave and make a life changing decision. The only advice I can give her is 'Don't let your past mistakes prevent you from moving on and getting a better life.'

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Childhood

In Standard 3, my friends and I (which consists of pretty much the same people today) were members of the self founded Unicorn Club. Most of our ideas back then probably came from Stef, and were executed by me.

Naturally, we each owned Unicorns, that Stef drew up for us. I think mine was this sleek black one with white hair. And maybe wings. I wanted to be different haha.

We held Unicorn meetings in class, where we made up save-the-world missions - games we played that if we won, then we'd succeeded in saving the world from disasters. Like if there was a flood crisis, maybe we'd have to do something with water. We also had a book which kept a log of our activities. I was in charge of attendance. We even had secret passwords (I remember one was Snoopy!) which we had to utter before we could be allowed into meetings.

Every recess, it would be time to transform into our unicorns. We'd spend our time galloping and playing running games at a little sheltered area near the school gate. Most importantly, once the school bell rung to signal end of recess, we had to run through a magic portal to transform back to our human selves, otherwise we'd be stuck during class. Did any of us actually stay in unicorn character after that?

That was the beginning of our totally self-indulgent and idyllic time in primary school. We ended up drawing comics, with cartoon characters of ourselves that we really identified with (they WERE us). Stef, do you still have any of those books?

Later on, in Standard 6, Stef & I ran this Pet Shop service, where we got the whole class involved in buying 'pets'. We had a book where Stef drew all types of animals and breeds, like on display in a pet shop. People could purchase them - so we kept accounts. We also provided services, sold pet food, accessories, all kinds of things that we charged people... not real of course. For example, if someone wanted to earn a little 'salary' to buy his hamster grains, he could do a 'newspaper run' and do 1 whole lap through all the chairs in the classroom.

It was pretty obsessive, like a paper version of those digital pets, or an online pet service, or even Sims. To the point that we'd update EVERYDAY, helping people choose the cheapest pet food (which ironically, we created different price ranges and brands for). It was like living in another world.

But I loved it. I miss those days.
Where are you?

Dying

ARGGHHHHHHH

I am dying. I simply cannot look at the same book again for the ten thousandth time because after 2 pages, I get up and walk around. It was so different with 4 subjects, because you could switch to something else without feeling guilty, since you're still doing work. Now, I can only switch to another chapter, but I'm basically doing the same old thing, blindly scanning words. Save me!

Dance class is the only fun thing I have on the weekends. It's 1 1/2 hours every Sunday, with 1/2 hour of killer warm up. The first time anyone joins the class, you're bound to feel faint or want to throw up, guaranteed. I'm dead by the time it comes to the plank - not just my abs but my arms and legs because I've to literally grip the floor to prevent sliding to my doom (face smash) thanks to sweaty arms and slippery shoes. We're dancing to Flow Rida now, whose song Low attracted ALL my friends to join hip hop too. Don't tell the instructor. So now it's way more fun, with Quah Kari & Goloki coming along.

A few random thoughts keep cracking me up throughout the day.

One, Shang's story about her driving.
She was on the way to college and switched lanes on the road, thinking there was no car. Unfortunately she almost hit a motorcycle, who veered away in time. The guy shouted so loudly and was so mad that he kicked her car with his leg before driving off, waving madly.
The mental image is so funny!

Two, my mom's road rage.
Yesterday, our neighbour down the road had some huge festive thing and erected this tent that blocked the entire road. People who attended were so inconsiderate/stupid that they parked their cars along the dotted white lines on the road (dividing lines) instead of just walking a little further. So none of the residents' parked cars could move. Before my mom, another neighbour was so angry she blasted her car horn for like 2 minutes non stop.

When it was my mom's turn, her only option was to reverse her car all the way up the road. She was in such a foul mood that she refused to let this family walk by her car, through the tiny space between her car and another. She just kept moving and moving, and from my standing point, I watched agape as she almost rolled over a small boy's toes. Luckily the woman holding his hand, lifted him up. Tsk tsk tsk.

Three, Golo's post about her dream.
Actually more of the fact that she actually drew a scene of her dream using the computer. Hilarious.
She's being pretty cruel to him. But I don't blame her either.

Beauty

I was thinking about beauty. How girls worldwide, including myself (and not to forget guys) spend tonnes and tonnes of money, time, and aggravation on trying to look their best.

It's not necessarily about attracting the opposite sex, most would say, but to feel good about themselves. I was just curious about why looking good usually equates to feeling good. What is it about the aesthetically 'pleasing' that draws the eye, and as such gives us that confidence?

I'm sure I speak for many by saying that I'm way more comfortable with my appearance today than I was as a child. Something like the ugly duckling story. A huge part of that is adjusting the way we look to the way others around us, whom we judge beautiful, look.

When I did KI last year, I came across Photography by Susan Sontag, who wrote something cool. She said that today most of us judge beauty by the way we look in photographs. That struck me, because why would the way I look on a 2D film be more important than the presence I exude in real life? What happened to non-photographic beauty, the natural beauty of a person that comes from more than the outer shell? Why is the standard of beauty a comparison of how light reflects off you into the little eye of a lifeless machine? Okay, so I reflect light a bit funny while she reflects it mightily well. So what.

I know people who at first may not grab your attention but grow more beautiful in your eyes each day. This kind of beauty is intangible, nothing I can put my finger on. It's the kind of light in the eyes, optimism and excitement she carries with her that just makes you want to be her best friend.

Even features wise, you cannot look at a person and shelf him or her away in that first impression. I find myself staring at people I've known forever even after such a long time in their acquaintance. If you look properly, you always find lovely things about them. Surprise yourself - take a closer look at someone you think you know and observe something special about them. Just a smile can make a tremendous difference.

Beauty is nothing without personality and a wonderful heart. A happy averagely pretty girl blossoms while a person with perfect features withers when he/she doesn't invest in the inside.

It's not the physical beauty that continues to attract me after awhile, but the joy I feel around a person.

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My UCAS Track says I have been Unsuccessful with University of Sheffield. I wonder what rejection from another particular university is going to feel like. The funny thing is it's not even really a part of my expectant future, so why should it matter?

Change

I think I've finally settled into a rhythm. It's so difficult when emotionally, you always want to be in a different place but logically, you know that the only way to progress is to stay put and work hard at the things you have now.

I've gotten comfortable in IMU. I've started bible study, enjoy my cell group, go regularly to church. If I find another path, it's all going to start from scratch again, just like the first time when I escaped back home. How do you reconcile the stability you desire with the possibility of a change in lifestyle that tempts you?

At this point, the daily reminder helps: I'm definitely not the only person going through this. Half the people I know will be going through a major change as well, when they go overseas for university or simply start their course. When life or duty calls you into something different from what you're familiar with, you don't have to change yourself. You just bring yourself, and your faith along. Everything else is transient, but God isn't.
It seems like a different lifetime now, like it was a dream. That chapter of possibilities has closed, I believe.

Blood Drive

I am finally a certified blood donor!

As everyone who donated blood will boast, I am saving 3 lives!

It was not the fun-nest of experiences, unfortunately. For me that is. I don't know what the average blood donating time is (the nurses say 10-15 minutes) but I was on that stretcher bed for way longer than that.

From the get go, we horrible people wanted to donate because we thought we would fail for sure at the stations.
1) Weight /BMI. You can't be below 45kg.
2) Your drop of blood gotta sink (iron probably)
3) You can't have low blood pressure.
Some of us just wanted to know our blood types haha. I was pretty borderline (45.7kg) but I told the nurses I just had skinny arms, don't worry.
I was so sure I'd fail at station 1. But I told myself if I passed all stations I'd just go do it. I mean, Maeyue donates every year =P

I'll bet it's fun for some people. This guy came in much later after I'd started and left before I was near getting done. Guys have larger veins. He was spouting like a fountain while I dripped like a leaky faucet. After awhile, he noticed my torture and kept laughing at my moaning. Yes, I moaned. And I kept comparing the colour of my arms. I think I took half an hour and I admit, I was being a huge baby. Then again, who wouldn't be when their arm's turning blue. Damn freaky okay.

After you fill up a bag, they take 3 vials of samples. I couldn't even fill 2, it was so strange. But I've made it! Now there's just this ugly bruise and puncture wound.

I thought I'd never donate again, cos' really, the horrible pressure on my arm was killing me. I was so scared I actually teared a little, albeit while laughing. But I think I'll recover after a year of regenerating blood cells. I'll be back!

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I was pretty confident about driving home right after. Of course I made sure to gobble down carbs and the sweetest drink I could find. But I just realized how out of control it would be if I blacked out, as I experienced when blood completely drained from my head just now, getting up from the couch. Not to be taken lightly.

Chinese Class

I actually love attending Chinese Class. The reason is probably because it doubles as a catch-up session for Kari Powder, Quah Kari, Ah Pui and I. (I'm sorry guys, I felt like calling you that)

After weeks of treating the lesson like our very own mamak session, our teacher (Oops, I don't even know her name buahaha) encouraged us to speak Mandarin. Since we never do things half heartedly, we took to the task like mosquitoes to bloody flesh.

My brain now aches from trying to speak for 2 hours straight. She was so happy with our efforts that she now wants to play a game. She's going to fine us 10sen for every English word we use, starting next week. This so reminds me of when Lian-ee tried to fine us money for speaking bad English. Ended up with her making all the mistakes. I wonder what happened to the fund we collected.

By the middle of the lesson, we were all feeling pretty smug at our unexpected ability to converse fluently (well, we didn't have to resort to much sign language). In the spirit of challenge, we suggested a dialogue/Q&A/discussion session with the other class, who's a year ahead. Hohoho. That's going to happen next week. By the way, I suggested she fine the other class 20sen, since they've been at this longer haha.

It is majorly tiring to think in another language. But I can see how you don't have to work hard at it anymore after awhile, at least when it comes to key phrases you're used to. It's the vocab that's killing me right now. My temples are throbbing.

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I've been eating about 5 times a day. Probably explains the tummy discomfort.

Kari Powder, we know why you didn't come tonight. You probably reasoned to yourself you had to rest early for college tomorrow. Hello, class ends at 10!

Music

Music totally changes moods.

Whenever I hear a heart wrenching 80s or 90s tune, out of nowhere I feel like staring into the distance. Like an old man, gazing, contemplating my life before me.

Some melodies just sink so deep that my heart actually hurts as it bursts with emotion.

Other songs just make me feel funky, like I could just jump around wildly. I did that once, and got caught by Dad. Terribly mortifying.

And the best kind - the kind that makes you feel so smooth, like you're the slickest dancer on earth. That is a high I miss.

If only life were like a movie, where we had our own soundtrack running in the background of every scene haha.

Getting Lost

My uni-mate and friend Tallan says she has poor powers of people recognition, especially when it comes to Chinese guys. It's true. Today she thought of putting these 2 guys together so she could play spot the difference, hoping to finally distinguish Amos & Ian (?). Oops, only 47 people and I can't even remember all their names.

I, on the other hand, have poor powers of orientation and direction. Anastasya told me that she can go to a place once and remember the route. I can go to a place everyday and not remember the first turning out. Fortunately, forced repetition has imprinted the driving route to uni in my mind. Although in the first week, I'd still make wrong turnings and wild last minute lane switches because it suddenly looked wrong (yet I am alive today, thank God).

For example, this morning, I decided I'd pick Hwei Jene up, who carpools with me to uni. All along, I've been sending her home coming from a downhill direction, so her house is on the left. Today, to pick her up, I found myself waiting outside the wrong house. I'd forgotten what it looked like because I came from the opposite direction instead. I swear that car looked like her mom's!

Even now, everytime I step out of Orchard or Somerset MRT, I actually don't know where I'm going. So I usually make large detours and cross the road several times to get to the building I want. I heave a huge sigh of relief when I make it to the right place. The only thing that's changed is that I make the detours on my own, I no longer ask people silly questions for the umpteenth time haha.

I know now that I have a very narrow peripheral vision. I register just my immediate surroundings. Zero natural connection of the roads in my head. I truly can't take in the bigger picture or sense the general direction I am heading in. I need GPS.

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So much for Go Green. I save my trash to recycle in those pretty coloured bins and they go get rid of them. Do you want my recyclables or not??

A Spark

There is no understanding of the mechanism of relationships.

Two perfect strangers meet and like a spark, it either turns into a flame, burning brightly, or nothing happens.

When and how it turns into a flame, I don't know. We form friendships and relationships so strongly under the direst circumstances, when you need a person the most.

Under other circumstances, that same spark may never have even flared.

Even stranger - as quickly as it burns, it can die.

Then it's back to two strangers, as though nothing ever happened in the first place.

You're holding me back and you don't even know it.

I hate talking to people who show no interest in talking to me.
If you don't care, then neither do I.