Beach at night on Flickr © pmsmgomes I think it's true what they say about girls. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's just for me. Since I grew out of childhood, I no longer see things just as they are in the present. Some things yes, the things I find transient, that I know are going to end and I'm going to go home and forget about. Other things, I see them today and see them as they are going to be in the future, when I'm old, when life should settle.
I sit on the beach at night staring at the sky, and I wonder about all the future times I'm going to travel and how many more nights I will be free enough to just absorb the vastness of the world like that. I watch a movie with my family and I think about how one day I may be watching a movie all by myself. I see the most loving, playful, affectionate couple and I wonder if I can ever achieve or sustain something so fulfilling and magical like that. Especially, especially when I listen to slow touching or jazzy music, and most of all listen to it in a hotel lounge, I feel so so so far away and sad. Like a character in a movie who was too late in stopping his true love from marrying another guy.
Sometimes all I see is time, how long time is, how far the future is, how everything is driving towards this one unknown point. It's strange, because I'm not living in the now but in my imagination of the coming. Which is probably why my mind is never at rest.
It makes everything so much more poignant. Then again, it makes everything kinda depressing. After which, I'll just go to bed early to wake up and start it all over again.
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I've decided to throw my heart into everything I do: relationship, event, project, competition. Even when I don't feel like it. Because I want to be me, an identity by itself, and not me defined by the person I feel attached to, or my friends, or my family, or my job.
And I can't get enough of Mariah Carey's Always Be My Baby.
Oh, and I've finally begun the OTH5 journey! I can't believe Lucas is with some other woman. He's ALWAYS sleeping with someone.
-.-' How could he forget Peyton, his supposed true love? Or previously Brooke, for that matter.
2 comments:
this identity thing is kinda icky. i haven't quite figured it out myself.
always be my baby is on replay in my phone.
yeah. the moment you try to have an individual, independent, stand by yourself identity, you tend to just feel alone.
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